(Sidenote: i live in italy and here instead of doing written exams we do mostly spoken ones where you have to orally explain the subject)

I knew i had a latin exam by tuesday. I planned to do all my other homework on friday and saturday morning so i could start focusing on that. Instead on saturday i finished in the evening and i got a depressive moment that lasted all night.

Idk what i did on sunday, cos i spaced out hard. I barely read the first page. And the assignment is several dozen pages + repetition so that i know i can be good and saying it outloud.

Today i didnt go to school so i wanted to focus more on this and i did until i recieved messages that the period was moved by one day. Great right? Yes, but it also put an assignment i didnt already do for tomorrow. Easy enough right, i just do it and get it over with? No. It was this stupid poem analysis thing. I cried. I stared at the page for hours. I wanted to get it over with but i didnt want to put any effort into it.

I asked a friend of mine to pass theirs to me so i could copy a bit and theirs was so much better than mine. Abd i couldnt replicate it cos i just didnt want to and cos i didnt study enough for it to know what it was talking about. So 30 minutes ago at 3 am i sent my teacher this horribly written piece of trash. It was supposed to be an exercise for the final exams this june, and now i feel wholly unprepared scholastically and psychologically. Id go there and cry all day long for the whole 6 hours theyd let us write without a real reason and then send in 3/4 of a page worth of text like i did today.

And so again i have only half a day to learn what i should have done in a week. And then maybe theyll give us more exams later to which i didnt even prepare. And im getting dirty again and i should shower but thats more time taken from study. I hate myself and how much time i waste and now im crying again. I really wish i could live as someon who isnt distracted every 5 seconds and that can focus on one task and complete it without opening yt and losing another hour. I hate myself so much for this. Every time i think well its going to be different this time but its never like that. Ugh.

Sorry for the rant, goodnight <3

        • Katieushka [they/them,she/her]
          ·
          4 years ago

          i've been asking to my mother to do it, but she tells me i should look into it and i dont really have to willpower or knowhow to do it, plus as you can tell i can never find free time

          • grisbajskulor [he/him]
            ·
            4 years ago

            Damn this sounds 100% like me 5 years ago. Especially the crying over homework stuff. My brother does psychiatric intake and from what I've heard you really sound like you have ADHD. I never got diagnosed but I always wish I had, I finished university so it feels unnecessary at this point but it definitely would have changed my life for the better. Honestly fuck that, I should see someone right now.

            What's weird though is that there aren't really great mechanisms for diagnosing ADHD in adults - it's basically like "hey I think I have ADHD" and they'll give you cognitive tests, but if you say you have it they pretty much take your word for it. Maybe this is specific to America tho.

            Also italian education is the fucking craziest shit, my supposedly "very competitive" high school was NOTHING compared to my friend's liceo linguistico.

            • Katieushka [they/them,she/her]
              ·
              4 years ago

              Idk it chamges from place to place. Im not bad at it, i have an average of 8.5/10. A lot of people are tryhards but i just try to squeak by