May I have your attention, please?

Will the real John Kerry please stand up?

I repeat, will the real John Kerry please stand up?

We're gonna have a problem here

Y'all act like you never seen a war criminal before

Jaws all on the floor when I say I'll bomb Iraq like never before

And increase the active wars from two to four

They first were mission accomplished, dropping depleted uranium (Agh!)

It's the return of the "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding

He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"

And Roger Alies said, nothing, you idiots!

Roger Alies's dead, he's locked in my basement (ha ha!)

Feminist women love Kerry

"Chicka, chicka, chicka, John Kerry, I'm sick of him

Look at him, walkin' around, grabbin' his purple hearts

Flippin' the swiftboat too, " "Yeah, but he's so cute though."

Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

But no worse than what's goin' on in your Dick Cheney's war room

Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just be obtuse

But I can't, but it's cool for Cheney's gun to let loose

"My bomb is gonna hit, my bomb is gonna hit"

And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little miss

And that's the message that we deliver to little kids

And expect them not to know what a war criminal is

Of course they're gonna know what a war criminal is

By the time they hit fourth grade They've got the Discord Channel, don't they?

We ain't nothin' but war criminals—well, some of us, cannibals

Who cut other people open like cantaloupes

But if we can hang activists on a tree by a rope

Then there's no reason that we can't tell them go get out the vote

But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote

W, get your Florida votes, sing the chorus, and it goes

I'm John Kerry, yes I'm the real Kerry

All you other John Kerry are just imitating

So won't the real John Kerry please stand up

Please stand up

Please stand up