I imagine him all frustrated trying so hard, regurgitating theory quotes with glassy eyes and everyone going "OK, CIA brat" under their breath
Really sex pest behaviour.
I imagine him all frustrated trying so hard, regurgitating theory quotes with glassy eyes and everyone going "OK, CIA brat" under their breath
Really sex pest behaviour.
I told BMO this over private chat.
So, I was getting on a flight back from a vacation a year and a bit back. And due to seating bullshit, I don’t get to sit with my family members. I get to sit next to strangers. I’ve had bad experiences sitting next to people I don’t know on flights. However, my teenage brain was kinda fine with it, because the woman sitting directly next to me was hot. And so I sit there during boarding, and occasionally, I look at her legs. However, a few minutes later, the woman is conversing with her friend, and talks about a creepy dude who was leering at her. I end up having a near heart attack before she clarifies that it was some old dude at check in. But my nerves don’t calm. I begin to consider what I was doing. I was subconsciously viewing her in a sexual manner without her consent. Same as the old dude, but the difference was I wasn’t caught. My mind ended up listing all the times I had viewed women in a sexual manner without their consent. Guess what? It was a lot. I’m no better than that creep.
First of all, you are clearly better than that creep because you had the common decency to avoid making this woman feel uncomfortable. We all - men, women and non-binary people alike - have intrusive thoughts that we would be mortified to acknowledge in public, but the important thing is how you respond to these. Feeling sexually attracted to someone is perfectly normal and doesn't impact that person in any way so long as your words and actions don't cause them discomfort.
Second, I really do think this is somewhat related to your religious upbringing. I know you said that wasn't the case, but hear me out because I experienced the same sort of shame over my sexuality for far too long. The puritanical views on sexuality and the idea that simply thinking of a sin was the same as committing it certainly played their roles, but I think the biggest issue was growing up with the belief that my thoughts weren't private - the belief that there was a watchful observer constantly monitoring me for impure thoughts. Although I didn't realize it at the time, this feeling stayed with me long after I'd given up on religion.
Remember that your thoughts can't hurt anyone but yourself until they turn into actions. I'd also suggest some CBT - for me, a lot of this ties into my OCD and the skills that I learned in therapy have been a huge help. Learning how to observe and accept your thoughts will make a difference!
I hope this is helpful advice. My lunch break is just about over, but I'm happy to talk about this later if you'd like. Feel free to message me anytime.
You probably are right on the religious angle. I’m a bit worried about the whole seeing a doctor thing because I don’t want to tell my parents about this. However, I’ll try to be brave and ask them for help. Thanks a lot.
By the way, do remember that some people are immature teenagers and meme saturated (me) so CBT , to me, doesn’t automatically click as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Thanks for that reminder! For any other teens reading this: no I am not suggesting cock and ball torture as a solution to feelings of shame over your sexuality.
Oh, and you know your parents better than I do, but I don't think your parents need the details if it makes you uncomfortable. Just tell them that you've been dealing with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, and that you'd love to share more but you need to work these things out with a therapist first.