Greetings, brothers and sisters.

My intern Matthew who previously introduced me to Instragram (and the accounts of some very beautiful ladies) showed me this website. He says that this is a place where young people who care deeply about the suffering of the poor and downtrodden people of the world gather. However, he also said that many of you may not have a positive relationship with the Catholic Church, or with religion in general. Those are exactly the people I am called to reach out to! When I asked Matthew what holds young people back from embracing the Church, he mentioned social issues, such as female priests. Therefore, I decided to write an explanation about the Church's teachings on that subject.

God is a man. Since the Church is all about worshipping God, it must follow that the Church is a lady. The Church can't be a man because that would be gay.

This is why the Church is a necessary institution. Priests are symbolically married to the Church. Without the Church, they would be symbolically married to God, which again, would be gay.

Now, obviously if a woman was to become a priest, she would have to be married to the Church, and since the Church is a lady, that would be gay.

FAQ

If all the priests are married to the Church, doesn't that mean that they're also married to each other in some kind of massive polycule?

No.

Doesn't there have to be an actual woman involved somewhere for it to not be gay?

Yes, and that woman is the Church.

Why can't female priests just be considered to be symbolically married to God directly, circumventing the need for the Church entirely?

I think you just answered your own question.

What does it even mean to say that the Church is symbolically female? Why are the organization's rules grounded in convoluted symbolism that has nothing to do with actual reality? Why should it matter who priests are attracted to when they all take vows of celibacy anyway? In fact, why do you care about anybody's sexual orientation? Isn't this whole line of reasoning just using homophobia as a flimsy excuse for sexism?

Have you ever heard of something called Oppositional Defiant Disorder?