I don't know.

I had a close friend pass away last week (from a long fight with cancer, not covid), and I don't know what it's going to do to me long term. She was one of the friends that stuck with me when I fell deep into depression and burnout, and I could always talk to her. I had conversations with her I haven't ever had with anyone else. And after she passed, I heard from mutual friends that she was always concerned about me, and always trying to get me to love myself more.

I didn't really notice it when she was alive. Now that she's gone, I realize what I've lost. I did get to say goodbye to her, and I did tell her how much I'd miss her, but I wish I could have said more to her, and that covid hadn't come and made her last months so lonely.

I'm trying to tell myself that she would want me to be happy, and make more connections with other people, and be less miserable. And I'm going to try to do that. I'm worried I'll fall back into my old patterns and habits once the holidays are over and I have to go back to work, though.