It starts exactly the same. I'm talking cut and paste opening crawl, Princess Leia getting captured, the whole thing, except when we get to Luke staring at the sunset he stares dead into the camera and delivers a 10 minute monologue on how much he hates those damned sand people. Then he goes to join the Empire and become a stormtrooper. Princess Leia is never mentioned again.
From there we have him and Darth Vader stomping rebels for the rest of the film, who are simultaneously presented as cowardly and a threat to Law and Order, because obviously. Vader is exactly the same, except he's now shot as a good guy, and at no point do they expect you to question any of his actions.
Han Solo is an ancap. That's the whole deal with his character. I haven't worked out how he would be worked in, but they probably wouldn't be able to either. That wouldn't stop them though. Also the Millennium Falcon is now the Millennium Eagle, both for copyright reasons and patriotism.
The film ends with the death star blowing up the rebel death star. Darth Vader delivers a painful one liner. Patriotic music swells, Luke says something about freedom, and Han cracks a beer. Someone makes a racist joke about Chewbacca, a common theme throughout the film. End credits.
I don't know what possessed me to write that out, but I do know I regret it.
Okay so here's my pitch
It starts exactly the same. I'm talking cut and paste opening crawl, Princess Leia getting captured, the whole thing, except when we get to Luke staring at the sunset he stares dead into the camera and delivers a 10 minute monologue on how much he hates those damned sand people. Then he goes to join the Empire and become a stormtrooper. Princess Leia is never mentioned again.
From there we have him and Darth Vader stomping rebels for the rest of the film, who are simultaneously presented as cowardly and a threat to Law and Order, because obviously. Vader is exactly the same, except he's now shot as a good guy, and at no point do they expect you to question any of his actions.
Han Solo is an ancap. That's the whole deal with his character. I haven't worked out how he would be worked in, but they probably wouldn't be able to either. That wouldn't stop them though. Also the Millennium Falcon is now the Millennium Eagle, both for copyright reasons and patriotism.
The film ends with the death star blowing up the rebel death star. Darth Vader delivers a painful one liner. Patriotic music swells, Luke says something about freedom, and Han cracks a beer. Someone makes a racist joke about Chewbacca, a common theme throughout the film. End credits.
I don't know what possessed me to write that out, but I do know I regret it.