Drank two nights in a row for the first time in awhile and feel bad about it
Over the last couple months, have been doing a lot better overall, but it never feels like enough and each falter feels worse when I've trying to be committed to being sober
Idk, I'm angry at myself and disappointed and don't know what to do with that
I'm making so much effort to improve myself and it's just like it all feels pathetic and useless sometimes
I feel really lonely and upset with where I am in my life and just wish I had a partner and some close friends and there's just nothing for me other than masochistic exercise and cats
Don't get me wrong, I love both of those, but it still feels really hollow sometimes
Idk
People need other people sometimes and I happen to be a person and unfortunately don't really have anyone
Stand proud, know that relapse is an effort not wasted, it is just a part of a difficult journey. I wish you the best!
have been doing a lot better overall, but it never feels like enough and each falter feels worse when I've trying to be committed to being sober
This one hits particularly close to home. What you realize after a while is that getting better is a tiring full time job, and you don't get to take a break from it cause that's called a relapse. It's like the IRA's "we only need to get lucky once, you need to get lucky every time" and you're Margaret Thatcher. It's hard. You need to stay strong in your weakest moments which... uh... they're called weak for a reason???
Idk, all I can say is don't let the guilt take over, comrade. You had a moment of weakness today, tomorrow you keep fighting like you were two days ago. A couple of fuckups don't define your overall trajectory, you're still getting better and that's what matters.
And you're definitely not alone in feeling lonely, comrade. It's not exactly an uplifting thought but it's something I guess...
I get that, loneliness makes the addiction cycle really hard to break :/ Hey, you're coming back and that's what matters yk? Lots of people relapse, not all of them stop drinking again though. I know it's not the same but I'll make sure I try and message you more often
stumbling again tonight tbh
alcoholism relapse specifics
went to the liquor store after the gym, had kinda a rough day but that shouldn't be an excuse
my "no spirits" caveat shifted to "hey, 70 proof is less bad than 80, right?"
got a tasty blueberry vodka, a specific little bottle of a certain brand as a joke because I'm a huge dork and thought it was funny, and an 8 pack of Guinness extra stout
Idk if I can ever be a teetotaler, but part of me is a real perfectionistic ascetic and is livid at myself
Another part of me loves and hates how good it feels after struggling my ass off trying to white knuckle sobriety to let my hair down and kick back a few
I'm not getting shitfaced and intend to go dry after these are finished and want to try making it through 2025 sober, but I'm very conflicted about being angry at myself but also genuinely having a great time rn getting a little drunk
As always, I blame all my psychological bullshit on my dad lmao
Hey you're doing your best and this is what that looks like right now and that's okay. Sometimes self care looks messy from the outside.
You didn't deserve to be treated poorly by your dad. You didn't deserve to be traumatized by his shitty parenting. You do deserve love and respect as you try to cope with the fallout of his lack of empathy and respect.
I'm really proud of you for caring about yourself and setting healthy goals. I see you making progress towards those goals even as this burden you carry tries to pull you down. We are all imperfect humans doing the best we can, baby!
You been down that road, comrade, and you know where it leads. Cut it out now and you won't have to go there again. I just hit 8 months. Never thought that would be possible. You can definitely do it! <3
