It's very easy to read as "I don't find you super attractive but you seem like someone I could settle for once I'm done playing the field"
Her intent seems to be more "I don't think I could have hooked up with you and moved on because of how special you are to me" but she phrased it in an ambiguous way
Yes thats most of the hetero marriages/long-term relationships. They simply grab the next person who "is there". There is like a lot of silent expectations in hetero social circles to have an active relationship. I notice this everytime people do not know that I am gay yet hahaha.
I would say most marriages throughout history are basically exactly that. I may be won't, but honestly I don't think I'm wrong. It has a lot more to do with availability than compatibility (which can be developed, tbf)
I think this is a sticking point for me. My wife and I have worked hard and paid a lot of attention to make sure we’re both growing and that we’re growing closer instead of apart. I understand statistically that if I could somehow review billions of people that I could find someone more immediately compatible with me, so availability was a major factor for us. But we consistently have been told people are jealous of our relationship and we were barrels of red flags when we first got together. By the time we married we were excellent communicators who adored each other.
I don’t want to shame people who haven’t had this experience because I’ve clearly missed out on a lot and I’m not so naive as to think everyone could just git gud at relationships. The whole discussion just seems foreign to me as a result.
As an """"AMAB,"""" this left me scratching my head confused as fuck, and I still don't understand how someone could be so upset by it. I'd love to hear nothing more than this from my partner.
Point for my gender being validated I guess but also a point for me hating cisheteronormative bullshit.
So what was she supposed to say to her bf of 2.5 years, "hey if I saw you on an app i'd totally have a meaningless one night stand with you and then never talk to you again"?
It seems to me that this man is just highly insecure that his gf may have had previous partners because he views her as his property basically.
I don't see how someone telling their partner "if I saw you on the street I wouldn't find you immediately attractive" is something that wouldn't bother you. Maybe the dude is overreacting, especially since she seems conciliatory and apologetic, but if I'm suffering from a period of body dysmorphia and my S.O. tells me that it would hurt a lot. People like to feel desired and this compliment, intentional or not, could easily be taken as saying you're not.
She said she wants to marry him. how is that not a huge compliment? it also definitely implies sexual attraction. if my partner said that to me I'd be for weeks.
If you're in a good headspace I think your reaction is 100% percent typical and the right way to interpret it. The kicker is sometimes you just feel like shit about your body and that changes the way you understand it. I hope this guy gets over it because it clearly wasn't meant that way, but he'll have to work through his emotions to do it. It really does impede the way your mind works
My girlfriend occasionally notes she'd have noticed me at a party or in the streets if I wore that outfit before we were together as a compliment, which is nice, I assume it's more in that realm and not "I don't care about you at all but you're hot"
I see people saying variations of "what they mean is that they couldn't just be FWB". That's not what is being said though
According to the post she did say she wouldn't be just FWB or Hookups with but marry". Which does arrive you at "You're hot and I want to boink you, but I couldn't just boink you because then I'd be lovesick on account of how great you are" which is a sick ass, major compliment, but I really do understand how the 1 - 2 levels of abstraction required to get there might easily be missed in the heat of the moment and smart a bit and how starting your bedroom compliment with "I wouldn't hook up with you" could use some polish
she obviously likes him cause she's distraught that they're having relationship issues. she was drunk when she made the comment. you seriously wouldn't find it endearing to have your drunk partner give you a silly and awkwardly phrased compliment? I think that sounds awesome.
But even if I didn't, I would ask about it the next day inatead of abruptly leaving. Surely this could have been cleared up with a short conversation.
Especially since they were both drunk at the time. That could very easily increase the breakdown in communication. Whether it be the man misinterpreting or the woman misremembering exactly how it was said. It makes me think of how I sometimes get a bit rambly when I'm drunk and the point can kinda get lost.
I think every one earth wants to be considered hot, smart, and funny. If your partner says something that comes off as suggesting you are not one of those things, it can be hurtful.
It's a backhanded and insulting "compliment". It can easily be seen as if she's saying that she's settling down and he's not her first choice, or that she doesn't see him as physically attractive but wants to have a long term relationship with him because of the "security" he offers. Pretty much almost every man that's attracted to women in some way will see this as a backhanded compliment or negging. No one wants it to be implied or told that they're not sexy or fun.
Yeah other people are pointing out ways that it could sound backhanded, but unless she said it in a pissed off voice it seems innocent and much more thoughtful than the more usual compliments you might think of.
How is this not a huge compliment? Dating men is literally the worst cause they are like this.
It's very easy to read as "I don't find you super attractive but you seem like someone I could settle for once I'm done playing the field"
Her intent seems to be more "I don't think I could have hooked up with you and moved on because of how special you are to me" but she phrased it in an ambiguous way
The first interpretation is extremely foreign to me. Do people just marry someone who they don’t like that much because they wanna settle down?
Yes all the time.
Yes thats most of the hetero marriages/long-term relationships. They simply grab the next person who "is there". There is like a lot of silent expectations in hetero social circles to have an active relationship. I notice this everytime people do not know that I am gay yet hahaha.
I would say most marriages throughout history are basically exactly that. I may be won't, but honestly I don't think I'm wrong. It has a lot more to do with availability than compatibility (which can be developed, tbf)
I think this is a sticking point for me. My wife and I have worked hard and paid a lot of attention to make sure we’re both growing and that we’re growing closer instead of apart. I understand statistically that if I could somehow review billions of people that I could find someone more immediately compatible with me, so availability was a major factor for us. But we consistently have been told people are jealous of our relationship and we were barrels of red flags when we first got together. By the time we married we were excellent communicators who adored each other.
I don’t want to shame people who haven’t had this experience because I’ve clearly missed out on a lot and I’m not so naive as to think everyone could just git gud at relationships. The whole discussion just seems foreign to me as a result.
deleted by creator
As an """"AMAB,"""" this left me scratching my head confused as fuck, and I still don't understand how someone could be so upset by it. I'd love to hear nothing more than this from my partner.
Point for my gender being validated I guess but also a point for me hating cisheteronormative bullshit.
deleted by creator
So what was she supposed to say to her bf of 2.5 years, "hey if I saw you on an app i'd totally have a meaningless one night stand with you and then never talk to you again"?
It seems to me that this man is just highly insecure that his gf may have had previous partners because he views her as his property basically.
I don't see how someone telling their partner "if I saw you on the street I wouldn't find you immediately attractive" is something that wouldn't bother you. Maybe the dude is overreacting, especially since she seems conciliatory and apologetic, but if I'm suffering from a period of body dysmorphia and my S.O. tells me that it would hurt a lot. People like to feel desired and this compliment, intentional or not, could easily be taken as saying you're not.
She said she wants to marry him. how is that not a huge compliment? it also definitely implies sexual attraction. if my partner said that to me I'd be
for weeks.
If you're in a good headspace I think your reaction is 100% percent typical and the right way to interpret it. The kicker is sometimes you just feel like shit about your body and that changes the way you understand it. I hope this guy gets over it because it clearly wasn't meant that way, but he'll have to work through his emotions to do it. It really does impede the way your mind works
deleted by creator
deleted by creator
My girlfriend occasionally notes she'd have noticed me at a party or in the streets if I wore that outfit before we were together as a compliment, which is nice, I assume it's more in that realm and not "I don't care about you at all but you're hot"
deleted by creator
According to the post she did say she wouldn't be just FWB or Hookups with but marry". Which does arrive you at "You're hot and I want to boink you, but I couldn't just boink you because then I'd be lovesick on account of how great you are" which is a sick ass, major compliment, but I really do understand how the 1 - 2 levels of abstraction required to get there might easily be missed in the heat of the moment and smart a bit and how starting your bedroom compliment with "I wouldn't hook up with you" could use some polish
deleted by creator
she obviously likes him cause she's distraught that they're having relationship issues. she was drunk when she made the comment. you seriously wouldn't find it endearing to have your drunk partner give you a silly and awkwardly phrased compliment? I think that sounds awesome.
But even if I didn't, I would ask about it the next day inatead of abruptly leaving. Surely this could have been cleared up with a short conversation.
deleted by creator
Especially since they were both drunk at the time. That could very easily increase the breakdown in communication. Whether it be the man misinterpreting or the woman misremembering exactly how it was said. It makes me think of how I sometimes get a bit rambly when I'm drunk and the point can kinda get lost.
I think every one earth wants to be considered hot, smart, and funny. If your partner says something that comes off as suggesting you are not one of those things, it can be hurtful.
It's a backhanded and insulting "compliment". It can easily be seen as if she's saying that she's settling down and he's not her first choice, or that she doesn't see him as physically attractive but wants to have a long term relationship with him because of the "security" he offers. Pretty much almost every man that's attracted to women in some way will see this as a backhanded compliment or negging. No one wants it to be implied or told that they're not sexy or fun.
Removed by mod
Yeah other people are pointing out ways that it could sound backhanded, but unless she said it in a pissed off voice it seems innocent and much more thoughtful than the more usual compliments you might think of.