(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it"). Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
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I missed the original post, but I can definitely sympathize with gender envy. For most of my life I've also never really been in women's spaces or been close to women other than the few times I dated, and even then it was weird because I wasn't treated like another woman, so I was still excluded, if that makes sense. The world of women was always something that to me represented a better, happier place that I would forever be excluded from, and that always made me sad. This distance also probably prevented me from coming out as trans sooner, since my ideas of what a woman was (what I really should be) were a bit nebulous. But then I realized I was trans and that all changed. Since I officially started transitioning I've been in boymode but allowing myself to act more feminine, which feels great, and women I interact with seem completely welcoming towards that as far as I can tell. Maybe it could help to start experimenting with being more fem on your own?