the cartoonishly evil billionaire villain escapes to Mars on their Blue Origin™ rocketship :sadness:

but they get ejected out to space by the ship's crew on the way there :josus-stalin:

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Put a dog in, spend the same time on pets as on the invasion. Balance achieved

Positive emotions can be achieved by having your characters watch an Amazon Originals show featuring the 12 Essential Elements of Iconic Shows

Welcome to the wonderful journey of writing! Here's a few tips for you as you embark on this Voyage, tow here no one has gone before (Just a little reference for you geeks out there)...

"It's not the journey....... it's the Destination." -- Maya Angelou (she's a woman of color, right? never read her)

Firstly, you must realize, you little fucknugget removedlover, that happiness is IMMATURE. That's right, you motherremoveding bitchBigMac. Remember how people made fun of you in highschool for reading Marvel comic books, and would shove you in lockers while yelling 'Read Grapes of Wrath, loser!'? Well, they were wrong, because superheroes ARE real art, and the top-grossing films list I looked up on Wikipedia proves it.

But to prove that your show is REAL art, so people will stop thinking you're shallow, you have to write about things that only adults can deal with, like sex, violence, gore, and racial slurs. Humor? Aww, does baby need his pacifier, too? Enjoyment? Go back to Moby-Dick. (Seriously, what a snooze-fest! I skipped over all those dumb chapters about whaling. And, uh, hello, not a single lesbian? How was I supposed to relate to anyone?) Darkness equals complexity, and if anyone gets even a momentary bit of joy out of watching or reading your story, that just shows it's not real art. After all, how will everyone know what a smart special adult you are if you don't have clinical depression?

So in keeping with your villains, who should be as evil as possible, every villain should be a racist, a pedophile, a racist pedophile, or a leftist. That'll make sure everyone hates them. And hey, if you're feeling really bold, and ready to strike it out independently like a real artist, then why not go to your producers and ask if the budget and marketing research will let you write the villains to win, too? That'll get a lot of engagement on your show from video-essayists. 14,000 people can't be wrong, especially when they'll make 8-hour video apologia for all of your show's flaws! (I like to put it on in the background, like a podcast.)

Now, since you're writing for Amazon, they're definitely gonna want you to throw some minorities in there. (Don't worry: the black characters will have their voices overlaid by white actors.) I know you might be thinking that you can just write them how you would a white, or a straight, or cisgender character -- wrong! Think again, buddy. You need a sensitivity reader, or a diversity consultant. It's impossible for a white person to ever know what a black person feels like, because they're basically another species. And really, isn't the greatest sign of social progress that we can now pay a black person, or a gay person, or a... a trans.... a trans -- whatever? -- to be a representative of how their entire minority feels, thinks, and acts? You know, isn't it weird how diversity consultants are usually black or gay but the CEOs of the companies hiring them are all white? I feel I shouldn't think about this too hard!

Uh-oh, now we get to dramatic tension. Don't worry, lol, because you should always defuse dramatic tension anyway lol. Committing to writing drama is pretty scary, because you might fuck it up, and people might... m-might criticize y-you for it. T-That would be a real big blow to your ego, s-since your entire identity is built around being a writer. B-But, the way around that is to not have any dramatic tension in the first place. Quips are a great way to do this, like so:

Officer Jacob had finally caught him in the act, "You're nothing but a monster and you're going down."

"Oh officer, you wound me. A monster? I'm the friendly local dentist. I'm the kindly old man that greets you at Wal-Mart. You do me great injustice by limiting me to just 'monster'." Gregor the shapeshifting racist leftist pedophile's face began to contort into the mirror image of Jacob.

"Then why do it," Jacob raised his gun at... himself?, "You have unlimited power, why fuck kids?"

"Don't worry about it, it's just kinda a thing I do." Gregor said, suddenly seeming a lot less well written, "Like, why does anyone do anything?"

Lol! Can you say #awkward? Pretty funny stuff. Um, but it's deep, too! Y-You just don't get it. It says a lot about... j-just leave me alone, okay? C-Check out this 8-hour video.

Lastly, ABC. (Always Be Describing.) At NO point should your viewer ever have to imagine or infer something on their own. Your show needs to be something everyone can understand and #get in one binge-watching session. Plus, half of them will be on their phones for it, so make sure you repeat everything. (And don't forget the racial slurs!) Heroes need to be likable in every way, or have only acceptable flaws, like a woman being barren or a man being under 6'0". Similarly, like I said earlier, villains need to be hated by everyone, and have as little nuance as possible. Now that you've got your 'sea-britches' underway, you can even use villains from real life for inspiration: child abusers, killer cops, people who didn't vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Palestinian children.

But let's be honest, you'll just steal from your favorite YA novel again.

I hope that helps! And remember, the best way to get people to watch more #AmazonPrime shows in the #GoldenAgeOfStreaming is to make sure they're never intellectually fulfilled or challenged, and have as much easy entertainment as possible. What's that? High art? Ugh, shut up, elitist. Let people enjoy things.

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