My wife showed me a picture of myself in a genderbending filter on snapchat, and I spent two weeks staring at that picture desperately wishing I could be that version of myself, and then I realized I've kinda ALWAYS wanted to be girl-me, and then I started talking to trans women and they all assured me I sounded exactly like they did before they realized they were trans.... ... so.... yeah

What's funny is I spent most of my life convincing myself EVERY man secretly wishes he was a girl. Even after I learned being trans is a thing, it never actually clicked until I saw that photo and felt like I was seeing my actual self for the first time ever...

So we shaved my beard, she helped me with my first full face of makeup, and apparently that's the happiest she's ever seen me ever including our wedding day. And my friends calling me she/her and a feminized version of my old name makes me happier than almost anything.

I don't have any major physical dysphoria (or rather, I'm just not chomping at the bits for surgery... yet ... but boobs would be nice, mostly just to fill out tops that call for curvature), but I also feel like I'm wearing a hazmat suit if I'm not presenting as a woman. It's not "ugly", it's just ... not me. It's a protective outfit I've been wearing my whole life and only just recently realized I can take it off and be myself instead.

I don't know what's dysphoria and what's not I guess, but if there was a magic button that would just feminize my body instantly, I'd smack that button so hard my hand would break.

I probably need to talk to a gender therapist.