I'll say this, I'm a hyper sensitive, hyper empathetic, total crybaby. And I'm happy I'm this way and I love this person. I spent the first 30+ years of my life trying to fit in with normy dudes who couldn't give a fuck about me. No offense to normy dudes, go watch sports and enjoy if that's your thing.
I'll lay my cards on the table and say what I'm thinking: there's no special presentation for being a man. It's totally cool for you to wonder, though. I'm not blaming you. Can I ask, and get you to explore, why you're struggling with this now? Is something happening? What are you feeling now?
Can I ask, and get you to explore, why you’re struggling with this now? Is something happening? What are you feeling now?
Well, the main thing is that I felt panicked for a bit about an hour ago, and I realized, anything I could think at the moment with "being a man" was all toxic masculinity stuff, and I reject it. But, thinking about, I realized that left me aimless with what being a man actually could mean outside of that. So I started to wonder if that meant my gender identity was incorrect. As embarrassing is it was, I honestly thought for a bit that not agreeing with "traditional" ideals of masculinity meant that I wasn't won. But I learned the difference between identity, and presentation and behavior. :)
A lot of it was a lack of a lot of male role models in my life; other than my dad, who wasn't the most present, it was mostly my mom and a bunch of family friends who were all women who taught me to be a dude. So I guess I also struggled because I thought I HAD to have male role models to learn how to be masculine.
Lots of people here helped me with sorting all of this out, and I feel more confident being the man I am right now. A dude who listens to people's struggles and says kind words to them, and who bakes and works out and nerds out over history and likes getting teased and enjoys all sorts of stuff. Who's oftentimes shy but still tries to put himself out there after asking for social advice. And who's still got work to do in processing and sorting emotions and brain stuff. It's all me, and I'm more okay with that :comfy:
A lot of which aren't "traditional" men's interests or behaviors, but I'm more secure in that: especially that I know that there will be plenty of people who also are cool with that too.
I personally haven't done much thinking about what it should mean to be a man in any context outside myself, as my instinct is to think it doesn't matter outside what I want for myself. But I can share what I use as the standard of being a man to myself, and you can share your thoughts.
The poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling sums up most of it. Plus, the idea that specialization is for insects, and you should be able to do nearly everything at some basic level. Also, remember that nothing is impossible, but some things aren't worth doing. The ability to make things and fix things is important to my idea of a man.
In my mind, Cody from Cody's Lab is a very masculine man. A pretty good role model. (At least the way he presents himself is as one.) If he made lots of cooking and sewing videos that wouldn't change that, his approach to things and the variety of stuff he does matters more than the specific thing is he doing to make me see him in that way.
I don't know how to apply these ideas to other people, or if it's useful to do so. But it's what I apply to myself.
I'll say this, I'm a hyper sensitive, hyper empathetic, total crybaby. And I'm happy I'm this way and I love this person. I spent the first 30+ years of my life trying to fit in with normy dudes who couldn't give a fuck about me. No offense to normy dudes, go watch sports and enjoy if that's your thing.
I'll lay my cards on the table and say what I'm thinking: there's no special presentation for being a man. It's totally cool for you to wonder, though. I'm not blaming you. Can I ask, and get you to explore, why you're struggling with this now? Is something happening? What are you feeling now?
Well, the main thing is that I felt panicked for a bit about an hour ago, and I realized, anything I could think at the moment with "being a man" was all toxic masculinity stuff, and I reject it. But, thinking about, I realized that left me aimless with what being a man actually could mean outside of that. So I started to wonder if that meant my gender identity was incorrect. As embarrassing is it was, I honestly thought for a bit that not agreeing with "traditional" ideals of masculinity meant that I wasn't won. But I learned the difference between identity, and presentation and behavior. :)
A lot of it was a lack of a lot of male role models in my life; other than my dad, who wasn't the most present, it was mostly my mom and a bunch of family friends who were all women who taught me to be a dude. So I guess I also struggled because I thought I HAD to have male role models to learn how to be masculine.
Lots of people here helped me with sorting all of this out, and I feel more confident being the man I am right now. A dude who listens to people's struggles and says kind words to them, and who bakes and works out and nerds out over history and likes getting teased and enjoys all sorts of stuff. Who's oftentimes shy but still tries to put himself out there after asking for social advice. And who's still got work to do in processing and sorting emotions and brain stuff. It's all me, and I'm more okay with that :comfy:
A lot of which aren't "traditional" men's interests or behaviors, but I'm more secure in that: especially that I know that there will be plenty of people who also are cool with that too.
You sound awesome, like someone I'd enjoy hanging out with. I'm glad you enjoying baking and history and listening. What a great person.
Ya, my dad wasn't really present either, and it left me with a bit of a hole. It's cool to feel it and express it when needs come.
Lol, it's totally cool for thinking about your gender identity. Feel free to explore, life isn't simple for anyone.
Glad you think so :comfy:
Yeah, still sure that I'm a cis dude, but I can still look around, and explore what it means to me.
I personally haven't done much thinking about what it should mean to be a man in any context outside myself, as my instinct is to think it doesn't matter outside what I want for myself. But I can share what I use as the standard of being a man to myself, and you can share your thoughts.
The poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling sums up most of it. Plus, the idea that specialization is for insects, and you should be able to do nearly everything at some basic level. Also, remember that nothing is impossible, but some things aren't worth doing. The ability to make things and fix things is important to my idea of a man.
In my mind, Cody from Cody's Lab is a very masculine man. A pretty good role model. (At least the way he presents himself is as one.) If he made lots of cooking and sewing videos that wouldn't change that, his approach to things and the variety of stuff he does matters more than the specific thing is he doing to make me see him in that way.
I don't know how to apply these ideas to other people, or if it's useful to do so. But it's what I apply to myself.
I'll read that poem, got a link?
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46473/if---
It's a good poem, thank you. It helped.