This is something I'm only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.
Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!
I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (????!?!?), and so I've tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I've tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.
It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere, and I'm starting to wonder if it's an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn't bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it's a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I'm NotLikeOtherGirls™
This happens most when the person I'm asking has no good answer - it's like my asking "but why?" makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn't the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.
That is never what I expect to happen - I don't ask why if I think there's no reason. If I'm asking, it's not because I think you're stupid, it's because I think I'm stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you're doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there's a good reason that I just don't understand yet, and I really really want to understand!
I'm just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.
The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. "I don't have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!" ???!?
Anybody relate?
What do?
Holy shit this post brought back a flood of unpleasant memories.
I was homeschooled most of my childhood before doing the last couple years of high school in public school. When I started there were lots of policies and behaviors I was expected to already know and several times grown ass adults got incredibly angry at me for asking why they wanted me to do something stupid.
A grown man screamed at me for chewing gum during a standardized test. Gum wasn’t banned at my school or anything, it was only this one time that it was a problem. I asked him why and he was so incredibly angry and that’s when I realized neurotypical adults are like extremely reactive dogs when they’re confronted with the fact that what they’re doing is stupid.
I was also once screamed at by a grown ass man who was a teacher’s assistant, not even a teacher, for not standing up during the creepy ass pledge of allegiance. The teacher had to tell him to go outside and calm down. This man owns a house and drives a car but honestly he needs a full time guardian he’s less responsible in the world than a 9 year old.
Why are they like that? The way some people just can't communicate makes me feel sane in an insane world. How could they have encountered no pressure to do introspection and learn about interpersonal dynamics? Some days I feel like I'm besieged on all sides by delicate details about people who need to be served with care or else they freak out. The crux of my career is having to explain to people how they're wrong but in a super nice way
I cannot even imagine the level of stress, jfc. Just reading that sentence made me anxious, holy fuck. That sounds like a nightmare.
It's a big obstacle in an otherwise nice job. There are things like the phrase "I recommend," accepting that business owners sometimes just don't care about making profit or minimizing work, and the therapy that allowed me to not take ignoring the email the first time personally.