This is something I'm only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.
Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!
I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (????!?!?), and so I've tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. I've tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.
It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere, and I'm starting to wonder if it's an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesn't bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, it's a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know I'm NotLikeOtherGirls™
This happens most when the person I'm asking has no good answer - it's like my asking "but why?" makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasn't the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.
That is never what I expect to happen - I don't ask why if I think there's no reason. If I'm asking, it's not because I think you're stupid, it's because I think I'm stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if you're doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume there's a good reason that I just don't understand yet, and I really really want to understand!
I'm just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.
The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. "I don't have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!" ???!?
Anybody relate?
What do?
Relatabale. I often end up phrasing questions like i'm trying to negotiate peace between world powers. It's frustrating af. I don't care about your ego i need you to explain how the machine works again bc my brain is fucked!
Oh god or asking somebody to slow down or repeat something because they assume you can hear them in a busy room.
then they repeat only the last few words which you already heard
And then having to explain that I heard the last few words, it’s the first few words I didn’t get
It's awful! I'm glad most of my friends are adhd and/or autistic because they understand and will repeat or restated what they said in a way that is helpful to me. I can just say "can you repeat that? I was distracted/had an adhd moment" and they understand and they help me and it's so nice compared to dealing with "normal" people.
100%. Not trying to make anyone feel bad, I just feel like I've yet again missed something, and I just want to know what it is.
Holy shit this post brought back a flood of unpleasant memories.
I was homeschooled most of my childhood before doing the last couple years of high school in public school. When I started there were lots of policies and behaviors I was expected to already know and several times grown ass adults got incredibly angry at me for asking why they wanted me to do something stupid.
A grown man screamed at me for chewing gum during a standardized test. Gum wasn’t banned at my school or anything, it was only this one time that it was a problem. I asked him why and he was so incredibly angry and that’s when I realized neurotypical adults are like extremely reactive dogs when they’re confronted with the fact that what they’re doing is stupid.
I was also once screamed at by a grown ass man who was a teacher’s assistant, not even a teacher, for not standing up during the creepy ass pledge of allegiance. The teacher had to tell him to go outside and calm down. This man owns a house and drives a car but honestly he needs a full time guardian he’s less responsible in the world than a 9 year old.
I realized neurotypical adults are like extremely reactive dogs when they’re confronted with the fact that what they’re doing is stupid.
Why are they like that? The way some people just can't communicate makes me feel sane in an insane world. How could they have encountered no pressure to do introspection and learn about interpersonal dynamics? Some days I feel like I'm besieged on all sides by delicate details about people who need to be served with care or else they freak out. The crux of my career is having to explain to people how they're wrong but in a super nice way
The crux of my career is having to explain to people how they're wrong but in a super nice way
I cannot even imagine the level of stress, jfc. Just reading that sentence made me anxious, holy fuck. That sounds like a nightmare.
It's a big obstacle in an otherwise nice job. There are things like the phrase "I recommend," accepting that business owners sometimes just don't care about making profit or minimizing work, and the therapy that allowed me to not take ignoring the email the first time personally.
The infernal loop of
"Can you please tell me what I did wrong so I won't repeat it"
Responded with
"No I won't tell you cos you're stupid and will just do it again, I don't owe you an explanation"
I think you've already almost answered your own question. They're getting upset because they don't have an answer to the question of why.
So consider, what is the thought process which results in proposing a course of action without ever having actually thought about why? Is it an isolated incident, or is it part of a pattern of doing things without thinking about reasons to do those things?
It's not that they feel guilty about not thinking things through, it's that not thinking things through is actually the norm, and therefore you asking why is seen as condescending.
you asking why is seen as condescending
Nail. Head.
I've straight up been told this many times, and I genuinely don't understand. I've even said that not having an answer is totally acceptable.
How do I make the question not condescending??
is there just not a way?
Fully absorb the implications of the fact that not considering reasons for doing things is the norm. And then embrace the condescension.
Alternatively, invent your own reasons why the people around you are doing poorly considered things and keep those reasons to yourself.
omg 😂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🤗
really can't thank you enough for this, gave me a lot to think about and a giggle fit
You Are Awesome.
Why thank you. I can't guarantee that this is a productive way to engage with people but it can be fun.
One of my favorites is trying to come up with the most reasonable explanation why someone would think or do something, and asking them if I'm correct
They don't usually like it, but until they come up with a better explanation I'm sticking to my idea
Sometimes maybe you're asking the wrong person, and maybe it's a scenario where you're supposed to know that. Like you wouldn't ask a cashier at a fast food restaurant why the price of something went up. That's a question for the CEO. And it would be rude and annoying if you did ask the cashier that.
There are some things people are trained to do that they don't fully understand, because someone more knowledgeable figured that out. Sometimes certain things are implied to not have a why. If someone tells you how to do something without an explanation why, sometimes that's because there is no why. and you're expected to know that. As with anything in life, there's always context that you have to account for.
Sometimes the why is too long winded and it's not the right time.
I just thought of being asked to pass the salt at dinner and asking why they wanted the salt. I might be curious because I'm not sure what item they wanted to salt, but the reality is that it's not my business what they use the salt for as long as I'll have salt if I want it later and that they don't plan to hurt me with it.
Sometimes it's okay to just do things, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to know when those times are. I've been doing the opposite - just doing things for people without asking why at all.
Like you wouldn't ask a cashier at a fast food restaurant why the price of something went up
That still doesn’t make sense to me, when I worked at a fast food place if prices went up I was dying to have someone ask about it so that I could complain about it with them and share any dirt I had heard about why.
This is weird because when I worked on a hoity-toity grocery store and drove me nuts when people would constantly ask why the price is of seafood, a commodity with a constantly changing price, was always changing, with a bunch of different potential reasons for doing so
Like lady I got all this fucking shrimp to peel like not going to go over supply and demand with you
I guess the difference is the prices didn’t change frequently at the large pizza chain I worked at, so when it did happen it was pretty noteworthy
I once had a job I fucking hated so I stopped trying to understand why something should be done and instead did it because that's what I was asked to do. I at least had the ability to communicate that with a "ask my manager why" or a "because I think doing this will satisfy the manager"
I tend to experience similar hostility. I ask questions constantly for the same reason you do and some people in particular take offense in ways I do not understand (like when I ask why something was done for example), and I am not certain how to navigate that properly because for some people, it really does feel like it is nearly impossible to ask in a way that would not feel confrontational or judgemental for them.
I suggest having a notebook and take notes, or pretend to. In my experience, they seem to not mind in depth explanations/repeating themselves because they can visually confirm that I’m asking why for the sake of doing it their way and not questioning their knowledge or authority lol.
When I don’t have my notebook, there’s an aura of irritation whenever I ask for them to explain.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Really sorry you're struggling with this too, but it's nice to know I'm not out here utterly bewildered on my own. 🤗 Thank you.
My coworkers tend to be experienced with what we do, and whenever I ask them something so I can make sure I do it right the first time, they often just hit me with the Jim halpert stare before helping or loudly say they have no idea what I’m even asking for.
Part of the reason is because they expect people to try things out themselves or already know. But at this point I’m just going to use my intuition and deal with the fallout if there is any, otherwise each interaction will just make me assume things and ruminate and become resentful of everyone for likely no reason lol.
Fuck this awoke an old angry memory in me. I had a job where the fucking bosses/manager (was a small workplace where the owner ran everything) had this as basically official policy. They didn't show me where anything was, but they refused to answer questions about stuff like that because I had to "figure it out myself". I was once given a special project with no instructions, got dismissive instructions when I asked for details, then got told I did everything wrong weeks later
Fucking neurotypicals
I am still learning my job after one year because people refuse to answer my questions. Like I'm not asking because I'm thick and I expect you to carry me, I'm asking because my intuition tells me this piece of information is vital.
Sometimes people will voice their problems because they want to be consoled, not offered solutions. I find this to be frustrating.
So as to what to do, be consoling.
If they get mad at you, tell them "fuck you, I'm trying to understand and help because i care about you." But thats a lot so maybe only do that if you really care and can't let it lie.
Sometimes it's better to just nod and show love. It's a tough judgement call.
I do this. I've gotten into the habit of hearing them out before injecting and first asking "do you need to trouble shoot this or do you just need me to listen?"
One time I did this, I started giving advice, and then they changed their mind and asked that I only listen. I fuckin love this.
Sometimes people will voice their problems because they want to be consoled, not offered solutions. I find this to be frustrating.
I find this so incredibly frustrating. If I’m complaining about something I 100% want to be offered solutions. Even if it’s not a solvable issue and I’ve thought of the things you suggest, you thinking of solutions and how to help shows that you care. Suggesting solutions is the comforting I want. It’s asshole behavior to listen to someone complain and not try to help, and I will die on the hill that offering solutions when people complain is polite and not doing so is rude.
I think I'll try to be better about letting people know when I want one or the other.
I resonated so hard with this. I want to understand, but it feels so obvious sometimes, like people would think I'm joking.
I'm trying to actively be honest and let the other person be an ass. "I don't understand why x is acceptable or done in a certain way. Could you tell me why it is?"
It's helped me in the past when I asked, and good faith people who will give me the benefit of the doubt are the only people I want in my life. I'm trying my best out here. They don't need to treat me like I'm stupid or being an asshole on purpose.
Sometimes it's as simple as "I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt."
My former spouse had this trait. I had to learn how to be responsible for my own emotions during a conversation with her and not force her to shoulder the responsibility of emotional reciprocation/emotional managing. And I had to learn more patience when the conversation would go way off-topic so she could understand. I had to learn how to better self-identify my own emotional state before starting a conversation so I could communicate my intent. It was really tough for me to figure it out at first and I wasn't always successful but we had some wonderful conversations and the relationship was really intellectually fulfilling.
These are all really good practices that I haven't committed to as hard as I probably should, thank you for the encouragement 🤗
Reading this thread further cements in my head that it's actually neurotypicals who have communication issues. Many autistic people are just fine when it comes to communication.
Honestly, I'm kinda right there with you! We put so much effort into understanding and being understood, and it doesn't seem like it's reciprocated very often.
I think I've been on both sides here. When I'm frustrated with someone else's questions, it's because I'm irritated that they're not being effective with our time. I feel that they're missing the forest for the trees, and asking questions about stuff that has no bearing on the outcome of the conversation (which has a purpose of some kind).
Like talking about getting a car washed by a certain time, and the other person wonders if it's a Nissan or a Toyota. Then, I have to take the responsibility of either following them down that path, or take the responsibility of redirecting them to the main point. Don't know if this is what your questions are like, but these really get my goat.
The main issue is just that interacting with that person is making me do more work, guaranteed, so then I end up avoiding them. I don't hate them, I'm just not willing to do more work for no reason.
I get aggravated by those kinds of questions too, so I save all non-urgent questions for a moment when time is not of the essence. I'll step in with a "why this instead of that?" if it looks like it could avoid an imminent problem - "why are you taking this exit at 3:00, there will be a ton of school traffic, let's go the other way" kinda stuff - but otherwise, I wait until later to try to understand why things happened the way they did.
Shit, is that why it is? It's the asking itself that's making people furious for no visible reason?
Fuck.
I always feel 30 steps behind everyone else, frankly what is the point of even talking in general
frankly what is the point of even talking in general
same question here 🤷😂 it's hilarious - isn't the point of communication an attempt to understand each other?!
I have learned that it is not the point, and assuming so is silly, because NTs are silly
isn't the point of communication an attempt to understand each other?!
I have learned that it is not the point
😂 hard truths I didn't expect to read this morning
I think you might be right, this would explain a lot about why some people communicate the way they do
Idk if somebody answered this already but I believe allistics treat questions as an attack on their authority or a criticism of their capabilities/feasibility of their plans
They think you're directly belittling them
Just completely different and most of the times, incompatible communication styles yea
i am genuinely unable to calculate most basic arithmetic in my head (have seen professionals about this, they've all come to the same conclusion. i understand mathematics very well, i just cannot do the arithmetic). this was greeted with TONS of hostility (mostly from older folks) at my last job when i had to take a second or two to punch their total into a calculator instead of being able to give it to them off the top of my head. i was fast with the calculator and it wasn't any slower than my coworkers who could calculate it themselves, people were literally furious that i had to use a piece of technology. i quit that job pretty quickly.
