I was raised Catholic, not hardcore Catholic or anything, but Catholic.
So like all religions, I was told that my existence/life, just by virtue of existing, ultimately had a higher purpose/meaning.
As I got older, especially high-school and after, I increasingly became agnostic (An agnostic theist to be specific) and eventually stopped identifying as Christian all-together. And now, these last few years, I've been transitioning from that to full-on atheism.
I'm not 100% there though, and I'm not sure I ever will be. Because no matter how hard I try, there's this part of me that simply can't/won't fully accept the possibility that my existence/life really and truly is pointless, even though I know that's the most likely scenario.
It's like being given the softest, warmest blanket you've ever felt in your life, the idea that you're here for a reason and that after it's over you'll get to see and be with all the people you've loved and lost in your life forever...
...and then having it ripped from you and thrown outside into a blizzard, that it was all a lie.
And no matter what I've been told by others to try and replace that blanket, whether it's been stuff like "You give your life meaning." or "Just have fun while you're here.", none of it has actually made me feel better, no matter how hard I try.
It's like some Lovecraft shit: I've seen the horrible truth, but my mind simply cannot fully comprehend/accept it, and thus I'm slowly going mad from the revelation.
If I had been raised atheist from birth, I think I'd be handling all this better. It's the fact that I once believed existence/life had an ultimate meaning, and had that taken away from me, that's creating this conflict.
If I had never been given that blanket and known it's warmth, and was instead just born into the blizzard, I'd be better off right now.
I think it's useful to acknowledge that the human mind is incontrivertably predisposed to incredible vanity, such as the vanity of assuming one's life is imbued with some divine purpose. This very common, incredibly vain assumption cohabitating with the impossiblity of finding any evidence of any divine purpose is what Albert Camus defined as The Absurd.
The Absurd is a fundemental human condition, it cannot be dispelled, only addressed in the following ways:
Suicide, complete refusal of the condition.
Faith in a divine purpose, a refusal of material reality and the utility of critical thinking in life, suicide of the mind.
Acceptance, find the humor in your mind always vainly assuming a grand purpose without the possibility of ever finding one, like some megalomaniacal Clouseau that shares your mind.
All our lives we develop coping mechanisms to deal with what horrors life presents us with, but we also need to develop coping mechanisms for the inherent biases that are preconfigured in our minds by evolution. Developing these coping mechanisms can be painful, but I find it's helpful to read about what others have found to see if I can adapt or adopt them for myself.