Something interesting about the idea of fascist ideology being an "answer" for reactionary angst is that it only serves to heighten and weaponise that angst, not present a harmonious world view that alleviates it. Fascists live in a state of perpetual, mortal fear of the total destruction of everything they hold dear via conspiracies like "white genocide" and "cultural Bolshevism," which is always just around the corner. The average person is not bloodthirsty and evil so fascism needs to inculcate into them a fear of their fellow human being. It's fundamentally alienating and unhealthy to live with reactionary beliefs, but this is especially the case for fascism.

Also there was always a latent thought in the back of my head that life can’t just be this way “because it is” I refused to accept that no matter how many times I was told.

Holy shit this really hits home for me. I have said those exact words so many times. One time I said it to my lawyer / mentor friend and he asked me, "So what should life be like?" It stopped me dead in my tracks because for the first time I realized that I didn't have an answer. Like, any answer at all. I hadn't even thought about what the answer should be, I was just working toward some unspecified "better" without having any sort of picture of what that would mean. Studying theory is the only thing that's filled that hole in my thinking.