I've been seriously considering estrogen/anti-T HRT, and reading other people's experiences the mental effects seem the most appealing to me as opposed to the physical side (not that those seem unappealing tho). I'd love to hear people's experiences here of how HRT has affected their emotions/cognition/sensory perception/connection to the cosmos/etc.
I just want to say thanks so much already to everyone sharing such helpful insights. I have come to recently realize I have such an internalized fear of embracing my transness. and it's honestly so encouraging and legit inspiring to read people's experiences, even with the heterogeneity in experiences it's so telling that the most common thing I read is how unimaginable it would be to go back before HRT and transitioning.
I've felt so depersonalized from my body as a whole and other people for so long, which I chocked up to sadness and anxiety under capitalism (which i still think it is) but recently realizing that dysphoria could play such a huge role in that mysterious soup of sources of ennui is a big epiphany for me who at 30 years old thought was mostly done with epiphanies.
My experience has been moreso feeling less like wanting to be a woman in the traditional sense and moreso wanting to grow into the fully realized version of myself, which feels much more femme and nonbinary (or vice versa). But overwhelmingly since puberty being included in the social grouping of men has felt nauseating. I think I just feel so hesitant and scared to center my own feelings that thinking of myself as trans and the implications of embracing that has seemed terrifying. but reading these experiences has made me realize how transformative that could be.
a few follow up questions for anyone still reading:
what was your experience of dysphoria like? did you experiment with presenting femme in public before hrt? did you worry about not feeling "trans enough" before starting hrt?
I haven't experimented with presenting femme in public really at all, even after being on HRT for a month. I mean, I wear women's clothes in public, but basically mom jeans and a shirt, still styled pretty masc (I actually had thigh-highs on under the jeans as kind of a reminder that only I could feel lmao). The most I've done is wear nail polish outside. Until my body changes more, really going all-out to present as femme as I want to in public is really intimidating. And for what it's worth, there are people who do HRT for like a year before they ever start presenting as their real gender, it's really common these days- and one of the reasons that the standard of care in America were so bad before the big change in 2011 is that those standards required people to present as their true gender full time for a year before starting hormones, which is a fucking nightmare if you ask me (there was also a bunch of other bullshit, like transitioning had to be "making you straight" and not presenting as the most exaggerated version of your true gender could get you cut off from hormones, e.g. trans women going to the doctor in anything other than a dress would lose their hormones for it).
Before I realized I was trans, I did try buying and wearing a dress in my room. I think I expected that I would get some kind of clarity from it, but the truth it it was just a piece of cloth lmao. Femme clothing feels affirming now that I'm out, but it aint magic. The story you always hear about people who knew they were trans since they were 4 years old and wearing dresses was an immediate lightning-bolt-clarity moment, those people exist but they're not the majority.
Not feeling trans enough is an extremely common thing. In some trans spaces I'm in, we joke that wondering if maybe you're not trans is just further proof that you're trans lmao. On that subject, there's a book called Yes, You Are Trans Enough- I haven't read it, but I've had it recommended highly to me. Could be worth a shot.
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