I get really mad about comments being removed by moderators, both here and on reddit. I get obsessive about it. Is it a neurodivergent thing, since I obsess so much and want to argue over shit? am I just an asshole? idk. But the more I disagree with the rationale for removal the more angry about it I get. Like one time a trans user was talking about the need for hair removal surgery and someone asked a clarifying question about the necessity of it, and I chimed in to say that, although I did not know this for sure, I was pretty sure it's medically necessary to ensure that everything heals properly after subsequent bottom surgeries, so there aren't random hair follicles growing in where they shouldn't, getting infected, etc., which ended up being the right answer.
So my comment was 100% in good faith, respectful, and trying to be helpful and offer clarification. But I referred to OP as "they," and she accused me of misgendering her????? for using a gender neutral pronoun??????? which I did because it did not seem to matter (the comment was 99% medical explanation and like one reference to the OP) and... how can a gender neutral pronoun misgender???? like going into a gender neutral bathroom isn't a misgendering experience, is it? it's... neutral?????? and then a mod removed it
as you can see I still really disagree about that, and I'm probably partially mad about it because I resent the implication that I did something malicious? but idk
this happened well over a year ago, why do I still think about it
As a neurodivergent person, I get it. I wish people had the patience to reconsider their possible ableism. But I'm not trans, so I cannot judge the person. Maybe people use neutral terms as soft ways to misgender the person frequently. Idk. I am sorry. :(
I guess that's what they thought I was doing but I wasn't and it's like there was like a valid explanation for why this surgery was necessary that was not elsewhere in the thread but like woops whole comment deleted :/
Fact of the matter is that it hurts people whether ur intentions were meant to or not, and it's not really up to you to decide when people are allowed to get to be hurt by things like misgendering. It's not a perfect system, but it's making do with the complications of the language we have. They can be a degendering word, which can be degrading to somebody who is constantly degendered. At the same time it's the best word to use as a gender neutral word and sometimes this issue will come up. It's just best to be kind to each other and changing one word is part of that some times.
To hexbear mods the remove comment button is kind of their version of a downvote.
But trans people can get quite sensitive abiut gender neutral pronouns, because they can be used as a socially acceptable way to avoid using their preferred pronouns, an act that is of course incredibly shitty.
Idk like I could see people using gender neutral pronouns to explicitly avoid using a preferred pronoun, but I feel like the actions of those people shouldn't make all usage of gender neutral pronouns as a default way to speak as having that same intent. I didn't intend to misgender anyone. I was just writing a long thing where the person's gender wasn't really relevant, referred to the person once (something like "this is probably their concern," and figured a gender neutral pronoun is kind of inherently inclusive. And I think me giving a literal effort post on the biological reasoning behind a surgery being necessary should have also made it obvious that I wasn't just posting to misgender someone. Idk. I spent like 10-15 minutes writing this thing and I don't think I will ever not be irritated at its removal just because I said "their"
It's one of those things where even though you perceive it as harmless, that's not how other people perceive it. Our pronouns are very visible here on hexbear. In my eyes, if you used gender neutral pronouns to me, it would feel as though you're invalidating my identity and not accepting me for who I am because you can plainly see I go by she/her. It can really hurt. Especially if it's during a very vulnerable time. Even if it is something you perceive as small as that. I know that I am personally fairly sensitive to such matters, so I would certainly remove it or report it for misgendering. I also know that I'm not the only one in the trans community that is sensitive to such matters. Therefore, you really should consider different points of view here.
Most of it is comes down to Lemmy sucking as a platform. The real solution would be for a mod to simply edit your post by changing the pronouns to she/her. It's like how so many posts and comments get taken down for not having NSFW/CW when the sensible thing to do would be for the mod to simply add the NSFW/CW. But we're stuck with this shitty Reddit clone where users can't even create their own polls, something that forums had the capability to do for decades now. Mods and admins can only remove posts and comments, not edit them, so posts and comments that get enough reports will be taken down.
I get really mad about comments being removed by moderators, both here and on reddit. I get obsessive about it. Is it a neurodivergent thing, since I obsess so much and want to argue over shit? am I just an asshole? idk. But the more I disagree with the rationale for removal the more angry about it I get. Like one time a trans user was talking about the need for hair removal surgery and someone asked a clarifying question about the necessity of it, and I chimed in to say that, although I did not know this for sure, I was pretty sure it's medically necessary to ensure that everything heals properly after subsequent bottom surgeries, so there aren't random hair follicles growing in where they shouldn't, getting infected, etc., which ended up being the right answer.
So my comment was 100% in good faith, respectful, and trying to be helpful and offer clarification. But I referred to OP as "they," and she accused me of misgendering her????? for using a gender neutral pronoun??????? which I did because it did not seem to matter (the comment was 99% medical explanation and like one reference to the OP) and... how can a gender neutral pronoun misgender???? like going into a gender neutral bathroom isn't a misgendering experience, is it? it's... neutral?????? and then a mod removed it
as you can see I still really disagree about that, and I'm probably partially mad about it because I resent the implication that I did something malicious? but idk
this happened well over a year ago, why do I still think about it
in the future, just say sorry and swap it out
🫂
As a neurodivergent person, I get it. I wish people had the patience to reconsider their possible ableism. But I'm not trans, so I cannot judge the person. Maybe people use neutral terms as soft ways to misgender the person frequently. Idk. I am sorry. :(
I guess that's what they thought I was doing but I wasn't and it's like there was like a valid explanation for why this surgery was necessary that was not elsewhere in the thread but like woops whole comment deleted :/
Fact of the matter is that it hurts people whether ur intentions were meant to or not, and it's not really up to you to decide when people are allowed to get to be hurt by things like misgendering. It's not a perfect system, but it's making do with the complications of the language we have. They can be a degendering word, which can be degrading to somebody who is constantly degendered. At the same time it's the best word to use as a gender neutral word and sometimes this issue will come up. It's just best to be kind to each other and changing one word is part of that some times.
🫂
To hexbear mods the remove comment button is kind of their version of a downvote. But trans people can get quite sensitive abiut gender neutral pronouns, because they can be used as a socially acceptable way to avoid using their preferred pronouns, an act that is of course incredibly shitty.
Idk like I could see people using gender neutral pronouns to explicitly avoid using a preferred pronoun, but I feel like the actions of those people shouldn't make all usage of gender neutral pronouns as a default way to speak as having that same intent. I didn't intend to misgender anyone. I was just writing a long thing where the person's gender wasn't really relevant, referred to the person once (something like "this is probably their concern," and figured a gender neutral pronoun is kind of inherently inclusive. And I think me giving a literal effort post on the biological reasoning behind a surgery being necessary should have also made it obvious that I wasn't just posting to misgender someone. Idk. I spent like 10-15 minutes writing this thing and I don't think I will ever not be irritated at its removal just because I said "their"
It's one of those things where even though you perceive it as harmless, that's not how other people perceive it. Our pronouns are very visible here on hexbear. In my eyes, if you used gender neutral pronouns to me, it would feel as though you're invalidating my identity and not accepting me for who I am because you can plainly see I go by she/her. It can really hurt. Especially if it's during a very vulnerable time. Even if it is something you perceive as small as that. I know that I am personally fairly sensitive to such matters, so I would certainly remove it or report it for misgendering. I also know that I'm not the only one in the trans community that is sensitive to such matters. Therefore, you really should consider different points of view here.
Most of it is comes down to Lemmy sucking as a platform. The real solution would be for a mod to simply edit your post by changing the pronouns to she/her. It's like how so many posts and comments get taken down for not having NSFW/CW when the sensible thing to do would be for the mod to simply add the NSFW/CW. But we're stuck with this shitty Reddit clone where users can't even create their own polls, something that forums had the capability to do for decades now. Mods and admins can only remove posts and comments, not edit them, so posts and comments that get enough reports will be taken down.