Is someone putting "No Fat Chicks" on their social media, or tinder bio not body shaming?
The main argument, as far as I can tell, that you can say as to why one would be body-shaming while the other wouldn't, is on the basis that the person putting forward the standard that I'm using in comparison is presumably a man. Whereas the one maintaining the standard in the opposite case is presumably a woman.
And incidentally, I do actually think both of these would be bad standards to have; and funnily enough the one about body-fat is ironically more relevant to me than the height one.
Is someone putting “No Fat Chicks” on their social media, or tinder bio not body shaming?
I think this disingenuouly conflates two separate ideas: is it ok to have and state preferences about the kind of bodies you're attracted to, and whether you're doing so in a neutral way or a cruel, bullying way.
It seems like you're of the opinion people aren't allowed to be attracted to certain things and not others, which like, fine you can believe that but I don't really believe you do in practice.
I think the thing you're missing is men swipe left all the time based on weight, or breast size, or just closeness to whatever standard of beauty they have. The difference is most of these apps are photo-based, so there's no need to explicitly specify those preferences. Height, on the other hand, is quite hard to determine by looking at photos a person has selected, so if it's important to someone they have every right to state that.
I think this disingenuously conflates two separate ideas: is it ok to have and state preferences about the kind of bodies you’re attracted to, and whether you’re doing so in a neutral way or a cruel, bullying way.
You're probably right about that, but I do also think that it's worth interrogating in ourselves why we find certain types of bodies attractive, and what types of people we find attractive or not, and why. That is actually something I try to think about on my own time, and it's something that I do try to make concessions about in as much as I'm capable.
It's worth noting, that I don't think women would do this out of any kind of ill-will, really. Certainly not in the same way that my hypothetical dude would be. I highly doubt that they actually know exactly what a "6 foot" guy actually looks like anyways (in the sense that I don't think most people could eyeball that as a precise measurement). The point is that they would want a guy who's noticeably taller than both themselves & other men around them. And the question is like "Why; where exactly is that desire coming from?"
And I imagine if you really dug into it it's more than just a personal preference. :shrug-outta-hecks:
Or rather that there are specific reasons for those preferences that would be surprisingly gender-essentialist, and those probably ought to be challenged.
It seems like you’re of the opinion people aren’t allowed to be attracted to certain things and not others...
My take is that I don't necessarily care if any particular person has a specific set of preferences with regards to who they like to hang out with, or what they're attracted to.
However it's very difficult to disentangle broad social trends about those things, from the manifest reality of social hierarchies between people, & social discrimination between types of people. Which isn't just about targeting people for abuse & mistreatment btw, it's also about leaving them isolated, or without a community.
In effect I do think that both men & women can reproduce patriarchal standards (and also other kinds, not just those specifically) through who they choose to associate with. And for that reason it's worth being at least mildly skeptical of, and pressing people a little bit to explain why they "like what they like".
I think the thing you’re missing is men swipe left all the time based on weight, or breast size, or just closeness to whatever standard of beauty they have. The difference is most of these apps are photo-based, so there’s no need to explicitly specify those preferences. Height, on the other hand, is quite hard to determine by looking at photos a person has selected, so if it’s important to someone they have every right to state that.
That's a fair point & counterargument. I suppose that it is true that they would do that, and that this isn't really something that is easily questioned, or discouraged within the framework of dating apps. I would say that this is a reason why dating apps are in general, probably bad.
Thank you for the even-handed response. I don't ultimately disagree that our biases are worth interrogating, but I also would put forward that ultimately all our thoughts and preferences are socially conditioned and at a certain point it's okay to just accept that you like certain things and don't like others and just try to be happy.
Mostly I push back in these convos because it always feels like another situation where men try to control women's sexual agency :shrug-outta-hecks:. Thanks for your thoughts comrade.
For a human attribute that is routinely derided, which I believe height for men is, I think it is an asshole move for someone to just put that out there. Especially since it's pretty early in the discussion. You're probably not going to match and depending on the app, the height is very likely listed.
Like, you can have social skills and for someone on a dating app, you should probably have social skills.
Being clear about what you want and not wasting people's time is exhibiting good social skills. Poor social skills is stringing someone along who you ultimately won't want to meet up with because you're not attracted to them.
You claim that being short is routinely derided, but if you're counting this kind of behaviour as deriding honestly it's kind of hard to take the claim seriously.
IDK comrade I think this kind of reasoning tends toward a kind of incel logic where men are just supposed to get women independent of what women actually want.
IDK comrade I think this kind of reasoning tends toward a kind of incel logic where men are just supposed to get women independent of what women actually want.
100%, asking people to be considerate about people's feelings when rejecting them is Incel logic.
Being open and honest about your desires and deal-breakers is a way to be considerate about people's feelings. Treating that as some sort of personal attack is bringing a lot of your own baggage to the table.
And FWIW I didn't say it is incel logic, but it trends in that direction.
This isn't body shaming though right? We can agree on that?
Is someone putting "No Fat Chicks" on their social media, or tinder bio not body shaming?
The main argument, as far as I can tell, that you can say as to why one would be body-shaming while the other wouldn't, is on the basis that the person putting forward the standard that I'm using in comparison is presumably a man. Whereas the one maintaining the standard in the opposite case is presumably a woman.
And incidentally, I do actually think both of these would be bad standards to have; and funnily enough the one about body-fat is ironically more relevant to me than the height one.
I think this disingenuouly conflates two separate ideas: is it ok to have and state preferences about the kind of bodies you're attracted to, and whether you're doing so in a neutral way or a cruel, bullying way.
It seems like you're of the opinion people aren't allowed to be attracted to certain things and not others, which like, fine you can believe that but I don't really believe you do in practice.
I think the thing you're missing is men swipe left all the time based on weight, or breast size, or just closeness to whatever standard of beauty they have. The difference is most of these apps are photo-based, so there's no need to explicitly specify those preferences. Height, on the other hand, is quite hard to determine by looking at photos a person has selected, so if it's important to someone they have every right to state that.
You're probably right about that, but I do also think that it's worth interrogating in ourselves why we find certain types of bodies attractive, and what types of people we find attractive or not, and why. That is actually something I try to think about on my own time, and it's something that I do try to make concessions about in as much as I'm capable.
It's worth noting, that I don't think women would do this out of any kind of ill-will, really. Certainly not in the same way that my hypothetical dude would be. I highly doubt that they actually know exactly what a "6 foot" guy actually looks like anyways (in the sense that I don't think most people could eyeball that as a precise measurement). The point is that they would want a guy who's noticeably taller than both themselves & other men around them. And the question is like "Why; where exactly is that desire coming from?"
And I imagine if you really dug into it it's more than just a personal preference. :shrug-outta-hecks:
Or rather that there are specific reasons for those preferences that would be surprisingly gender-essentialist, and those probably ought to be challenged.
My take is that I don't necessarily care if any particular person has a specific set of preferences with regards to who they like to hang out with, or what they're attracted to.
However it's very difficult to disentangle broad social trends about those things, from the manifest reality of social hierarchies between people, & social discrimination between types of people. Which isn't just about targeting people for abuse & mistreatment btw, it's also about leaving them isolated, or without a community.
In effect I do think that both men & women can reproduce patriarchal standards (and also other kinds, not just those specifically) through who they choose to associate with. And for that reason it's worth being at least mildly skeptical of, and pressing people a little bit to explain why they "like what they like".
That's a fair point & counterargument. I suppose that it is true that they would do that, and that this isn't really something that is easily questioned, or discouraged within the framework of dating apps. I would say that this is a reason why dating apps are in general, probably bad.
Thank you for the even-handed response. I don't ultimately disagree that our biases are worth interrogating, but I also would put forward that ultimately all our thoughts and preferences are socially conditioned and at a certain point it's okay to just accept that you like certain things and don't like others and just try to be happy.
Mostly I push back in these convos because it always feels like another situation where men try to control women's sexual agency :shrug-outta-hecks:. Thanks for your thoughts comrade.
I'm going to have to disagree on that.
How is it shaming for women to express a preference in appearance?
For a human attribute that is routinely derided, which I believe height for men is, I think it is an asshole move for someone to just put that out there. Especially since it's pretty early in the discussion. You're probably not going to match and depending on the app, the height is very likely listed.
Like, you can have social skills and for someone on a dating app, you should probably have social skills.
Being clear about what you want and not wasting people's time is exhibiting good social skills. Poor social skills is stringing someone along who you ultimately won't want to meet up with because you're not attracted to them.
You claim that being short is routinely derided, but if you're counting this kind of behaviour as deriding honestly it's kind of hard to take the claim seriously.
IDK comrade I think this kind of reasoning tends toward a kind of incel logic where men are just supposed to get women independent of what women actually want.
100%, asking people to be considerate about people's feelings when rejecting them is Incel logic.
Being open and honest about your desires and deal-breakers is a way to be considerate about people's feelings. Treating that as some sort of personal attack is bringing a lot of your own baggage to the table.
And FWIW I didn't say it is incel logic, but it trends in that direction.
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