Edit: I’m going to sleep, I’m not ignoring you if it takes like 12 hours for a response.
I can elaborate if you have questions that help clear things up, suffice it to say I’m doing normal ass things and they’ll walk by and pat me on back saying “good job” in the voice one uses when a puppy begs to be let out instead of pissing on the floor.
How the fuck do I go to HR and not sound paranoid/persecution complex” about this? They took it a step further today and the meat department asshole I’ve posted about wanting to duel (damn the consequences) about before slapped my shoulder (I’m not even comfortable with a gentle pat) and said “what a perfectly adequate job you’re doing”. Of course the house trained ….pick a word that I am said “thanks for the compliment”.
I’m going to lose my job after flipping out if I allow them to continue this, yet alone escalating.
Advice?
P.S the people I work with in my department are basically just normies. No better or worse than average American. The deli guy fucking called me little one and I’m still pissed about that because I have a height complex even though Reddit losers have turned into that meaning child and I can’t tell which direction he meant it in.
Sorry I think my advice is shitty but just trying to think through what I'd do in your situation.
How would it go down if next time they 'complimented' you, you asked "Do you mean that sincerely?" they may need to double down and actually explain how they were praising your work, shifting it into a commendation on your work from then on. That's a a tick in your favour w HR as you can then say "I was consistently praised for my work". Or they'll have to come clean and admit it's sarcastic, in which case they're admitting harassment.
Idk basically asking them to out themselves in a less confrontational way. However I don't think it'll change their attitude so it's maybe a lost cause in the long run, they'll probably find other ways to get back at you.
Edit: I mean like it sounds as though this is the approach you're already using re. your 'house trained' comment. Ig I'm too housebroken too
The fact you are trying to give advice is worth something by itself, I would never say a person trying to help should stop because they aren’t good at it. The emotion behind trying is alone helpful in and of itself.
They’d probably just say something like “of course I meant, you do such a good job” and it would pile. Or maybe I’m dooming.
That’s the thing, I’m ND. I’ve been bullied in various forms my entire life and the only “benefit” is I’m good at repressing. I may be over sharing and too unfiltered on here, but afk I can wish I could I flay a person and have them think I’m too dumb to understand the way they treat me.
I’m not good at deception tbh, too literal, my only fear is giving away the game and them taking a subtler approach. I want to get this person fired.
I like the idea though, I’ll think on it. Maybe with enough time I can either spin it the way you said in an honest manner or just maybe they’ll get bored
I've got my hackles raised reading about this, I'm really pissed off on your behalf because I can totally see them just sarcastically going "Oh yes of course I'm genuine" and thinking that they're being oh so subtle. But yeah maybe I'm thinking about verbal jiu jutsu rather than the evident misconduct others have raised re the unwelcome touching. When I've been in the same situation (condescended to) I've just kept my head down and waited tip they or I move on... which is why I'm not confident in my ability to give actionable, legally sound advice.
That really does mean a lot. I would have been fine with people telling me to suck it up or to inquire further to see if it’s real or perceived , but you came in swinging with genuine attempts to help.
I'll just throw an alternative perspective comrade. Instead of confronting them in the moment, do so out of the context of an aggressive act. You might even say "I don't need you to praise me for my work, just tell me when I'm not doing something right please". You might put more thought into that, but I feel there's a way to give that sense.
I'll just say whenever I get praise, even sincerely for exceptional work, I have a lot of trouble with it. So it's not like it's not a real feeling (even divorced from passive aggressive bullying type situations).
I'd just say (and I mentioned this above and in my other comment), whatever you do, do it outside of an incident. You're less likely to fight/argue/etc
That’s good advice. I don’t particularly enjoy praise either, even if I know it’s genuine.
How would it go down if next time they 'complimented' you, you asked "Do you mean that sincerely?" they may need to double down and actually explain how they were praising your work, shifting it into a commendation on your work from then on.
Idk if someone’s trying to neg them, then asking for clarification is opening the door for more bullying. In this scenario I wouldn’t hold my breath for someone to stop being an asshole out of good faith. I really hate being patronized so I would probably go nuclear pretty easy over this specific issue lol.
I agree, I also probably didn't explain my thoughts as clearly as I could have. I was thinking that if you forced them to either let you reframe their comment as, to all intents and purposes and to all spectators, as genuine praise, then the only other option would be to admit it was insincere. Of course yes, this probably means they may, instead of just getting bored, instead just ditch the negging and move on to other forms of bullying.
Also yeh, workplace bullying isn't gotchas and 4d chess. Going through formal channels and raising grievances assertively and appropriately is better, so I'm not wedded to the thought bubble of what I would try first.
pat me on back
Your definitely OK to ask people not to touch you, and then escalate it to HR if they keep doing it. 1000000% no one's allowed to touch you if you're not ok with it.
I'm regards to the verbal stuff, you're also OK to ask certain people not to talk to you outside of required work stuff. Like if you've asked them to not chat you up, and they keep doing it, it's cool to just say "I don't like the way they talk with me, and I asked them to minimise it" to HR.
You're probably not misunderstanding things either, as dudes sometimes do this shit. I'm sorry that men exist.
I like men tbh, when they are properly socialized. I sometimes curse my dad never being around when I really needed him, but being raised by my ma and her sister probably made me better the. I would otherwise be.
I’ll definitely ask to not be touched though, but the guys a literal butcher. I doubt he has the empathy to not just an alternative
Shit comrade that sucks.
You should always be able to set boundaries at work though. Even about small stuff.
I have a name that's easily shortened. Let's say "Steven/Steve" just as an example.
With my closest friends, I'm Steve.
Professionally, I'm usually Steven, though "Last name" is also fine.
When I was doing shit service sector work about 15 years ago, I had a coworker I really was cool with (he was kind of a comrade/working class guy) who I let call me Steve. We had a good friendship out of work, drank beers, etc.
One day at work, my other coworker, who I really didn't like, started calling me Steve. I told them in no uncertain terms, please just call me Steven. They did so after that.
Ironically, my work friend eventually asked and I was like "you're cool, we're friends."
So even in something that has nothing to do with the (far more serious) kind of stuff you're talking about, I set boundaries and (if they weren't respected) would have escalated to HR.
I would say, just be firm and straightforward. Be unemotional about it (as hard as it is - again, with my very minor thing I got incredibly icky feelings from inside being called wrong by this person, so I waited a day and then did it first thing before they could piss me off again). After all, while I don't want to be charitable to your coworkers ( I don't know if they deserve it), sometimes all ppl need is one correction.
I dunno if this helps, but your post reminded me how hard it can be in the trenches comrade.
It did help, you provided a positive example of doing the “normal” thing and just speaking up. For whatever reason, that just didn’t occur as viable to me, but I’ll be sure to let that bounce around with all the other ideas until something clicks.
Thank you
You are so much more valuable than just your hours of labor at one job. If coworkers are pissing you off, they've probably taken it really far.
I hope you find a way to turn it on them, or possibly assert yourself to put an end to it. A job shouldn't entail enduring harassment.
Kind words, thank you. There’s a big shakeup in management coming soon so if it’s still going on when that happens I’ll find a resolution to it. It’ll be easier to get a change during a churn, I think.
Again, thanks
maybe hr/management can help curb the unwanted touching going on. i guess the toxic positivity bullying stuff probably needs to either be battled with dark humor or completely ignored.
I have a lifetime of knowing how to endire cruelty, my only hope might be getting them fired by allowing them to escalate.
I live in a single party consent state and might just start a voice memo every time they walk up
Most people I know generally do no compliment anyone for any reason unless they’re very intimate. And when they do, it just comes off awkward and maybe condescending. When I walk someone through something that’s easy - whether for me or for both of us - I might just unconsciously say “good job” in some quick deadpan voice because, well, customer service brain. Other times someone achieved something and they’re excited, and I don’t know enough to really be genuinely excited with them, so I just say “hey that’s awesome” because I want them to know that I at least support them lol
little one
If it’s some 70+ year old man/woman, they probably mean that as a sincere compliment. You probably remind them of a grandkid they love. If they’re about your age or trivially older than you, then that’s just weird. Maybe it’s a cultural thing because I’ve had some people who were learning English for the first time and calling me “big boy”, presumably because I’m tall but maybe because I was chubby back then, but I also wasn’t a teenager, but they didn’t seem to mean anything by it.
If they’re complimenting you on normal stuff and they’re much older, then they’re probably just happy to see a young person work hard - or at least what they perceive as hard work. If they’re not that much older then maybe they think you’re mentally slow or something like that. https://youtu.be/88B3O0pdal4
Though the latter is not always true. I have a boss who goes out of her way to thank me for working hard. Most of the time I am, but other times I just take very detailed notes and handling back to back requests so it looks like I’m doing a lot. But if you look at the actual notes you’d realize that I’m just sitting around for most of the time lol
If you could elaborate, that would clarify something things. I’m not sure what “bullying masked with toxic positivity” looks like outside of memories from movies with mean popular girls in school saying something like “wow Samantha snickers I really love you hair. It totally fits you.”
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
The guy might even be younger than me. He’s the sort of “either a very healthy 30s or similar in age.
I think what I was trying to get at is it’s obviously fake or contrived. There’s another person who does similar amounts of unnecessary compliments but she’s just a nice person.
Like half the time I buy an energy drink or something she “accidentally” scans it out instead of ringing it up. So unless it’s an elaborate ploy ( I’m not that paranoid), it’s probably just a nice older lady thing.
Thanks for the thought out response and context giving.
