I hope you're feeling a little better, friend.

I have some insight on what you're going through from both perspectives. I'd be hesitant to compare literal suicide with abstract suicide of one's self. I'm going to assume you're reaching out in good faith. You're obviously saddened and maybe even angry. Realization and acceptance is an ugly combo to battle in such a short time frame.

I won't sugar coat anything here. I used to be a chud/reactionary (or whatever you want to think up). I was in so much emotional pain that I was lashing out 24/7. I would shit on everything that was happy and good. There was nothing I couldn't corrupt if I tried. Hateful moment after hateful moment lead me to an actual, physical suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital and a mental ward for nearly a month.

While I was in the mental ward, I was paired up with two patients. One was a black guy who had a breakdown from working too many hours. After his stay was finished, a white guy was my new "roommate". This guy was a full blown neo-nazi, talking about restoring the fatherland, a Q follower and the works.

Having all the talking points I used to spew fly back in my face was a catalyst. I'm a mixed filipino guy that was on an equal level of chud as this guy but was told that I was one of the good ones despite having a german last name. It made no fucking sense. Suddenly, this person made me so uncomfortable that it made me self-reflect hard.

It made me think about just how uncomfortable I made people with the way I used to conduct myself. It was like a backlog of cringe blasted me with so much emotional pain that I started to remember that I had empathy stuffed down somewhere.

I've never been able to explain what happened to me. It's so abstract and painful. I also vowed to never fall back into that hateful despair ever again.

As for the second part of my story, I'm slowly working on being the best leftist I can be. This also came with more struggles but on the other end.

I have friends who have never really been "political" or they were strictly moderate centrists. You know the type and I don't need to get into that. However, reactionary people and their talking points have crept into the group. I'm hopelessly outnumbered. They already defaulted to being anti-leftist as usual but the reactionary thoughts poison things slowly.

I don't know what the future will hold for me and one particularily close friend of mine. The situation might turn into what you're going through. It also may not.

I'm not giving up on people. I want to so badly.

I'm not going to tell you to keep trying at the detriment to your health. Mao was a fucking liberal for not taking batshit America into account when he wrote Combat Liberalism. Do what you need to be happy. If you care for yourself, you can be in a better position to help and care for others. That's solely on you to decide and I'll support you whichever path you take.

Maybe this little story of mine may help, maybe it won't.

You're not entirely alone in this monumental struggle.