Lost my friend to Nazism. His personhood is going to be completely erased so he's dead to me. It's as if he committed suicide. I've been heavily grieving for years.
Yeah jeez thanks for posting this I was fucking going to post this much less nicely. Wtf OP
His brain is being hyjacked in a way that kills everything that is his person. He's being wiped of his personhood and replaced with a cannibalistic zombie that isn't him. Zombified people are no longer with us. Permanently completed NPCs are killed people. He's getting consumed by the death cult, and he's too deep in to be pulled out.
In some ways, it's more gruesome than a bullet because when he disappears, his body doesn't expire. It continues to walk as a monster hurting and potentially killing. As horrid as a bullet to the brain is, it doesn't do that.
If there's a chance he won't be permanently erased forever, it's easily basically nonexistant. I have to radically accept that he's gone for good.
I can see why you wouldn't want to draw a comparison, but from the perspective of the OP, this is still a loss. I've grieved both a suicide by a father figure, as well as estrangement of my mother due to her racism, abuse, and Christian Nationalism. Both affected me deeply and very similarly. It's all loss and grief, it feels about the same from my perspective. From an observer, they could see the differences, but from my own first person perspective, I can only see the differences when I analyze it externally and more objectively.
The biggest difference I feel is I couldn't help the suicide, but I chose the estrangement. Still, the pain of deep loss is there in both cases.
Thank you for the concern and kind words. Estrangement is a hard one because it's like a divorce or breakup where you go through the grieving process, but the person isn't dead and can still affect you. I ended up having to block my own mother and essentially declare her dead to me when she started directing racism at me specifically. We're Latino, but in her mind, she thinks she's white and denigrates our culture and people ever chance she gets. I got a racist rant directed at me when I blew up on her for not respecting my boundaries. In my heart, it felt like she died. I knew there was no coming back for her. She was always abusive towards me, but I learned how not to be at least.
For her, it was Fox, ONN, 700 Club, and scores of televangelists over the decades. She's a lost cause and looking back, she always was. That's the only thing that helps with the grief aspect, realizing she chose that and won't ever change.
Conversely, my uncle was a CNN/MSNBC ShitLib who joined the Vietnam war to "get him some commies". I was open about my own communism to him in later years and I openly questioned his motives. He seemed remorseful of his actions in the war and participation in it. I can tell he had some regrets. Both were significantly mentally ill, as am I, but I'm at least getting treatment now.
Thank you for validating my perspective. I'm sorry you had to resort to letting your mom be dead to you. I miss the person the Nazi used to be, and I can't imagine how I'd miss them if they were my parent. If you ever struggle with holding that boundary, please keep doing what's good for you.
Not suicide, but I had a roommate die in his sleep around 6 years ago. I still think of him constantly because he was my only friend in a strange city and suddenly he was just gone. Thought it was some undiagnosed diabetes for years until his childhood best friend reached out and explained it was an aneurysm. He was even taken to the hospital the week prior for an unexplained collapse and they didn't find anything.
Even the real explanation didn't do justice to how.... pointless? his death was. He didn't do anything to bring it on, he wasn't the victim of an accident. He just went out because his body and brain made a whoopsie.
Maybe its similar to suicide, a victim of one's own body and brain. He was a most excellent dude. Shortly after his death, a letter came for him from Bernie thanking him for a donation. I'll always miss smoking spliffs with him on the porch in the frigid southern tier of NY.
What a total freak occurrence. I'm sorry such a lame death happened to your rad dude. I think your comparison makes sense. Albeit without his consent, his body wrecked itself.
I hope you find more friends to kick it with. Maybe he'd want you to enjoy new loving moments with new friends.
I think grief is grief regardless of the source. Something triggers that response and it can't always be a dead family member or friend, maybe you don't have those things? I think it's wrong to say you can't experience grief in that case.
It's horrible, painful and it never goes away. You really do just get used to it. But on the flip side, its one of those feelings that you should experience to know that you're a human.
I lost an uncle to suicide. I say uncle, but the man was my father figure all throughout life. We were texting, 10 minutes later he unalived himself with rope. It fuuuucked me up and I've been seeing 3 different therapists to deal with that plus childhood trauma, PTSD, and some other issues I didn't realize I had until this event brought it all out.
But you know, the therapy helps a lot. EMDR, DBT, radical acceptance and exposure therapy are making this bearable. I got one of them semicolon tattoos because fuck if I'll ever subject my kids to these emotions and damage. I've moved into acceptance, but it's been about a year and a half. I still think about him and miss him, but I accept what happened due to his own mental illnesses.
I'm really sorry that you lost your father figure. Sounds like a good tattoo for you to have. There's always so much to live for and relationships to have.
I've gone to a DBT group and seen multiple therapists as well. I'm trying to practice radical acceptance, but I usually forget that the very concept of it exists. Because of that, my work on it is sporadic and slow.
I guess I can accept that my friend fell for Nazi rhetoric while battling a drug addiction. I don't think he chose this. He was stolen by a death cult and there's nothing to do but be keenly aware of the danger Nazis pose.
I hope you're feeling a little better, friend.
I have some insight on what you're going through from both perspectives. I'd be hesitant to compare literal suicide with abstract suicide of one's self. I'm going to assume you're reaching out in good faith. You're obviously saddened and maybe even angry. Realization and acceptance is an ugly combo to battle in such a short time frame.
I won't sugar coat anything here. I used to be a chud/reactionary (or whatever you want to think up). I was in so much emotional pain that I was lashing out 24/7. I would shit on everything that was happy and good. There was nothing I couldn't corrupt if I tried. Hateful moment after hateful moment lead me to an actual, physical suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital and a mental ward for nearly a month.
While I was in the mental ward, I was paired up with two patients. One was a black guy who had a breakdown from working too many hours. After his stay was finished, a white guy was my new "roommate". This guy was a full blown neo-nazi, talking about restoring the fatherland, a Q follower and the works.
Having all the talking points I used to spew fly back in my face was a catalyst. I'm a mixed filipino guy that was on an equal level of chud as this guy but was told that I was one of the good ones despite having a german last name. It made no fucking sense. Suddenly, this person made me so uncomfortable that it made me self-reflect hard.
It made me think about just how uncomfortable I made people with the way I used to conduct myself. It was like a backlog of cringe blasted me with so much emotional pain that I started to remember that I had empathy stuffed down somewhere.
I've never been able to explain what happened to me. It's so abstract and painful. I also vowed to never fall back into that hateful despair ever again.
As for the second part of my story, I'm slowly working on being the best leftist I can be. This also came with more struggles but on the other end.
I have friends who have never really been "political" or they were strictly moderate centrists. You know the type and I don't need to get into that. However, reactionary people and their talking points have crept into the group. I'm hopelessly outnumbered. They already defaulted to being anti-leftist as usual but the reactionary thoughts poison things slowly.
I don't know what the future will hold for me and one particularily close friend of mine. The situation might turn into what you're going through. It also may not.
I'm not giving up on people. I want to so badly.
I'm not going to tell you to keep trying at the detriment to your health. Mao was a fucking liberal for not taking batshit America into account when he wrote Combat Liberalism. Do what you need to be happy. If you care for yourself, you can be in a better position to help and care for others. That's solely on you to decide and I'll support you whichever path you take.
Maybe this little story of mine may help, maybe it won't.
You're not entirely alone in this monumental struggle.
Thanks. I'm glad you stepped off that ledge before diving further right. Keep letting any remaining poison leave your body! May you perceive so much more beauty in the little things everyday. Sometimes when we're shitty, a grotesque looking reflection is all we need to snap back to reality. During wake up moments like that, I've been in deep despair, but extra happy to feel sunshine and rain on my skin.:meow-melt:
Yeah I bet his words were batshit. Racism is wrapped around illogic. At the core of every race conspiracy is nonsense. Sounds like his presence was viscerally repulsive.
I'm sorry your friend group looks like a bunch of radicalizing libs. Conservatives and their ghoulish views feel lowkey scary to hear. I hate when they show their ass with a monsterous statement. I'm not the best at speaking my mind, but I do listen, and I can relate with losing more people to centrist ideologies.
I gotta take care of myself better before I try to pull liberals out from getting rabbit-holed into actual race conspiracies. But I'm proud of you for the long way you've come, and your efforts to pull loved ones back from a similar dark fate. You seem like a very decent man. Good luck. :soviet-heart:
I've been suicidal since I was fifteen years old, and when I was in my darkest places, the thought of how much my suicide would harm the people I love stayed my hand. Glad it did, but there really was nothing else at times.
My favorite quote is "The light at the end of the tunnel isn't an illusion. The tunnel is." - Rumi
Tunnel vision fucks up our perspective of our current situation. Idk if you need to hear this, but I want to remind you that there's always so much to live for and relationships to have. Glad you're still around.
My favorite quote about a light at the end of the tunnel is from :zizek: because it makes me laugh
:zizek-joy: "Of course there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That's the train rushing towards us."
I lost a friend to Nazism also, we had not spoke in a couple years since finishing high school together and he transitioned to female then became brainwashed by 4chan, when they were homeless I offered money for them to come back to our hometown and rent an apartment but after seeing her Twitter I am glad she refused my offer - It was all anti-black and anti-LGBT rants with elements of "Christianity" thrown in there. It's sad how people can change for the worse so quickly...
Is 4chan a pipeline to being far right now?
Good thing you dodged that bullet. I'm sorry your friend got hooked into racist and homophobic rhetoric.
