I just needed to vent about some relationship stuff, and felt most comfortable sharing it here. I ended up writing a lot, so feel free to keep scrolling if you don't care to read, lol.
spoiler
This is someone I've had feelings for for the past 11 years, and I'm really bummed out about it. I've been in a few long-term relationships spanning years, but I've only really felt this strongly towards her. She has a tendency to pop into my life, then disappear for 1-2 years at a time. In 2021, we talked for two weeks, and then she ghosted me on a night we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was posting on instagram photos of her on a date with someone else, including pics of them kissing. She never did respond to me after that missed date.
About a year ago, she texted me out of nowhere and apologized. She said she was really sorry that she hurt me, and she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. The relationship between her and the other person didn't work out. I was a lonely idiot and responded back to her. We ended up talking for a couple weeks, then she started doing some sketchy stuff again. I'm monogamous and demisexual and wanted to avoid getting hurt again, so I told her: "You know how I feel about you. If you're going to act affectionately to me, talk horny about stuff, and get me to open up to you, I want it to be in a monogamous relationship. So if you're going to spontaneously ignore my texts and ditch me on the nights we're supposed to chill, please don't get a hold of me." She said she was sorry and it's fine if we stopped talking.
Well, two months ago she reached out to me, and I responded back to hear what she had to say. We ended up texting each other almost every day for two months. We confided in each other, we video chatted, and we got a little :bonk:. She invited me over two weeks ago, and it was an amazing time. We cuddled, we talked for hours, we got a little physical. And it made me feel really good.
But shortly after, she started taking hours to respond to my messages. She'd "fall asleep" more often at 8 pm, when we'd regularly talk until midnight. Then we were supposed to hang out a few days ago, and she told me last minute that she just wanted to crochet and hang out with her cats instead. She didn't respond to me again for 3 days, but I saw that she posted Stories of her cuddling with another guy at his apartment. I didn't know who this guy was, but he was tagged in the video. I went to his profile and it said he was in a relationship and his cover photo was the two of them holding each other at a disc golf course.
It made me super upset. So I messaged her: "You're doing the same exact shit again, what the fuck? I told you not to contact me anymore when you're just sad and lonely and need something familiar. I'm a fucking human being and every time you do this to me, it fucks me up for awhile. Please don't ever text me again."
To be honest, I got kind of ugly with it, and I'm not sure if this was justified of me. I thought about screenshotting our sexting messages and us talking about how much we enjoyed the physical stuff we did, and sending it to the guy. If I was in a relationship, I'd be pissed and hurt if I found out my partner was doing that. And if they were in an open relationship, she needed to disclose that to me. So I told her exactly that.
She called me on my bluff and said, "If you feel like you need to, go ahead. You don't know what our arrangement is." She said that she didn't respond to me because she was having a rough few days, and said she wouldn't ever bother me again. Then she blocked me on everything.
So I'm just bummed out about it. I hate having someone you really like in your life every day, and then it just ends super badly and abruptly. I really liked having her to talk to, and it truly felt like it was budding into something real. But it was all a lie, and that hurts. I feel like a dumbass for falling for it again, but I'm lonely af and thought she might've really come around. Then to see that we're finally blocked from all communication, it sucks that it's real. I just needed to get this out, and if you guys had any similar stories or things to share, that'd be cool too.
:heart-sickle:
I've dealt with this my whole life and i have a horrible pattern of this with multiple women throughout my life that i am trying to honestly cut but like a drug addiction, i keep suffering multiple relapses and fall off the wagon.
I'm going to tell you the same advice i am trying to give myself, just cut it. There is no other solution than to just cut these type of people from your dating life because quite honestly they're very aware of the effects they have on you. Sometimes we come across incredible connections that do things to us no other person has. But if It turns into a one sided dynamic at your expense and let me tell you the receiving side is very much aware of this as well. They feel it too, they just don't value it the same way unfortunately. They use it as a source of validation they can fall back on, think of something in their back pocket.
The only way to stop this is to cut it altogether, and believe me i am not one to speak on this matter I'm actively reevaluating this in my own life.
deleted by creator
Right. I signed up for a couple dating apps to see if I could just find someone cute to text, and that was probably a bad idea. I don't want to get into a relationship right now, but I'd like to find some type of connection to fill the void. I'm wondering if that would lead me to treat someone the way that I was just treated.
I should do something more fulfilling. Finish reading some theory, start exercising with my resistance bar, and focus on a skill. Once I feel more confident and whole, I could allow myself to be open to a relationship again. I've just been single for four years and the loneliness is starting to get to me.
deleted by creator
We're just responding back to each other at different points in the post, haha.
Absolutely. I matched with somebody last night and we've been having a really nice chat. But I'm going to tell her today that I created the profile to fill a void, and that it probably wasn't the best choice. If she wants to continue talking casually until I'm in a better place, that'd be fine. But I don't want to waste her time.
And thanks for the audiobook tip! I absolutely hate exercise, and I would do anything to make it less tedious and horrible.
deleted by creator
Thanks, bud! You've been super helpful!
If the conversations with her is going well maybe you should just let it flow naturally before you close yourself off but if you ever feel like you're filling a void, be honest and transparent. But if it doesn't feel that way and you feel a nice connection just flow with it.
Awww man I've been single for 4 years too 😭💔
It's ok, i think you got the right idea! I don't wanna fill voids either so I've been in therapy for those 4 years trying to get it right. I've also picked up school again to study music which is a passion of mine I've always quit while pursuing growing up. I've been trying to channel this energy into my creativity. But it's been very hard because i hit relapses and find myself back in these situations for the mere sake of escaping the hard work that is this passion.
I can't do dating apps I just really hate the environment and the fake people I've met through it. But i wish you the best in it maybe I'm doing something wrong.
If you need someone to talk to my inbox is open and i have apps like telegram and such for communication. Stay strong
I can empathize with that, comrade. There's something about having someone show interest in me that makes my life feel more complete, and I'll do almost anything to pursue that. It's absolutely like a drug addiction, and I've never considered that before.
And you're right that it was a one-sided dynamic. She knows that she can elicit these actions and feelings from me, and she manipulates that in order to make herself feel better. When she's gotten her fill, she can go back to someone that she actually has feelings for. And she often receives the same treatment from her partners that she dishes out to me. It's almost like a cycle of abuse.
I'm going to cut her out. Typing this comment out to you really made me see how abusive the situation is.
I'm so happy my input can have that effect on someone, and as i read the way you describe the situation you're in, i can honestly see myself with some situations i am Trying to cut myself. I've been self aware for a while about this comrade and like a drug, i hate that i go back to it constantly.
It's a source of validation for us as well unfortunately, and in my case my confidence, self esteem, validation, and even mental stimulation seems to all come from these women in my life and these one sided dynamics I've allowed to go on for too long.
Quite honestly it's not healthy mentally at all, its a gateway to incel, misogyny, and red pilling. The reality is, i have done this to myself by putting my self worth into these horrible dynamics for the sake of crumbs. You bake a whole cake for someone and get back crumbs from this person.
It has got me into horrible situations and drama, because ive also accepted these one sided situations from married and taken women... It's turned me into a monster in inebriated situations and I've compromised myself and my healthy relationships as a result of this vicious cycle. I've lost loved ones i valued, and at 31 I'm very ashamed I've let it come this far. I've recovered from cocaine and alcohol addiction and yet this is the one thing that makes me feel just as horrible as those binges.
My self worth is not at it's best as a result of doing this my whole life, and I'm doing my best to start this new year strongly by cutting all these nasty situationships. I can't sit here and simply blame the women because I've been self aware of these dynamics for a couple years since i started therapy and it's so shameful at this point the excuses I've made to constantly return to this swamp of false validation. It's been harder lately because i live alone, i don't have many friends who see eye to eye politically or socially, and the loneliness has put me in a desperate longing to just be understood. The only one that did though, simply does not value me the same way i do. I have a particular girl i think of as i read your words and if there's any good take away i can add. It's that being with her taught me one thing. It taught that all i ever wanted in my romance, was to be in love with my best friend. Someone who i can spend a day doing menial stuff with like shopping at grocery store but it feels like I'm at Disneyland with them. Someone i don't have to fill the silence with and someone who just understands me through the struggles of the ADHD symptoms i experience and how difficult it feels to express myself properly because i feel like no one understands me. (I don't take meds for my ADHD)
That's the only beauty i can take away from it, and maybe there's someone out there with similar traits that WILL value US back. Reciprocation is not something that you have to fight for or hope for it just happens. Be careful matching energy with people like the ones you've described because they'll use it to lure you into these types of situations, once you see the red flags that remind you of the same situationships with this person, just get the fuck out before the emotions take hold. One minute they completely forget about you and all the moments you and together and then when you're gone or they need a source of attention, they will suddenly remember those key moments to make you feel like y'all have something special; it's cruel trap. You don't have to go through this for someone to love you back because the person that will wouldn't do this you ever. It's also important to remember that in the event that you DO WIN THEM over, what then? They'll just do to you what they did behind other's backs, they'll go outside of your monogamous relationship for attention, affection, and intimacy. And you'll be in the dark just like their partners in their "official" relationships. I wish you the best in your recovery from this process, i wouldn't wish this mental and emotional trap on anyone.