Christopher, my son, did I ever tell you the full story of Shelob? You know, the monstrous spider - descended from the vile Ungoliant! - which I used to read aloud of in our Oxford meetings of the Inklings? Well what I didn't mention back then was Shelob could also transform into a totally hot babe: all pale and dark and wan like Rebecca in Ivanhoe or what will later come to be known as the goth subculture. In fact she looked very much like the pornographic actress Stoya who will be born 13 years after I die. Christopher, I will be entrusting you with my estate. If there is ever a videogame adaptation of my work you must make sure they get this Shelob right - make sure she is what the Anglo-Saxons would have called a hæða ecge, a real sexy bitch.
"... And that's why Alatar and Palando the unrepresented blue wizards from the Lord of the Rings canon had to go to Rhun and Far Harad; because otherwise Sauron's 32nd Lieutenant Bothrog Ballsack revives the corpse dragon to..."
There's a theory out there based on one of J.R.R. Tolkien's letters that they start a new cult of Morgoth in the Fourth Age.
The excerpt (from letter 211):
I think that they went as emissaries to distant regions, east and south... Missionaries to enemy occupied lands as it were. What success they had I do not know; but I fear that they failed, as Saruman did, though doubtless in different ways; and I suspect they were founders or beginners of secret cults and "magic" traditions that outlasted the fall of Sauron.
Calmly putting down my seltzer water and drafting a forty-page essay about how Shelob is the most important character in the LotR cycle
Her mom killed the Two Trees, an event that shook the entire world and still has consequences to the Third Age.
Christopher, my son, did I ever tell you the full story of Shelob? You know, the monstrous spider - descended from the vile Ungoliant! - which I used to read aloud of in our Oxford meetings of the Inklings? Well what I didn't mention back then was Shelob could also transform into a totally hot babe: all pale and dark and wan like Rebecca in Ivanhoe or what will later come to be known as the goth subculture. In fact she looked very much like the pornographic actress Stoya who will be born 13 years after I die. Christopher, I will be entrusting you with my estate. If there is ever a videogame adaptation of my work you must make sure they get this Shelob right - make sure she is what the Anglo-Saxons would have called a hæða ecge, a real sexy bitch.
It's not a story the hobbits would tell you
:panting:
this part always gets me
"... And that's why Alatar and Palando the unrepresented blue wizards from the Lord of the Rings canon had to go to Rhun and Far Harad; because otherwise Sauron's 32nd Lieutenant Bothrog Ballsack revives the corpse dragon to..."
Everyone loves the blue twin Maiar who only get mentioned like once.
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They just noped out east and spent the war of the ring smoking pipeweed and playing video games
There's a theory out there based on one of J.R.R. Tolkien's letters that they start a new cult of Morgoth in the Fourth Age.
The excerpt (from letter 211):
Tolkien orientalist moment lol
He also says they maybe rallied forces against Sauron in those places much like Gandalf did in Middle Earth. He never really settled on what they did.