It's ruining my life. And the irony is it's the only way to dissociate from bad things. At least it seems like that's the only way. Feels like the snake that eats its own tail.
Edit: thank you all for the good advice and support. It means a lot. I love my comrades. 
I'd highly advocate against doing this, since kratom can also be addictive.
I understand people react differently to things but I don't even understand how you can get addicted to it, I get nauseous if I take too much and it becomes unpleasant real quick.
It might be a matter of slowly dosing and titrating up, and once you get those opiate like effects that's probably when it becomes addictive. I do now one person who got very addicted. Like you said your mileage may vary though. I wanted the opiate high from it but always got sick on even small doses so never got there
Yeah I know a guy that said he was straight hooked and if you have issues with abusing pain killers then I would recommend against it, I just personally never had those issues even after dosing a couple times a day for most of a year. There seems to be a real cutoff point where I get a lot of positives from it until I increase the dosage and then I'm nauseous/drowsy.