Is it someone you see and immediately want to make out with/fuck? Because if I see someone who is aesthetically pleasing/interesting, I make the decision to try to get to know them as a person before I escalate things further. And I’m starting to think this is atypical because my track record isn’t great.
Is that just a long-winded way to describe an average crush? Does it vary from person to person?
Attraction and attachment are actually very complicated and people’s experiences with them are diverse, so it’s not a bad idea to describe your experiences.
I’m gonna hide a long post behind a spoiler, but wanna directly answer your question first.
Yes, it varies from person to person. Most people don’t talk about it as if it varies, but it does. I consider a crush to be sustained romantic attraction for a person you’re not partnered with.
I experience the same “crush” feeling for my long-term partner, but it would be weird to refer to it that way, because society is allo-centric and just calls that love (it also calls a bunch of other stuff love). It’s just romantic attraction, which can feel different between people, but for me is kind of a fluttering warmth in my tummy that makes me wanna smile. Feels similar to admiration.
Some people experience that very strongly very quickly. Others need to establish attachment first. Some people experience it fleetingly. For others it’s overwhelming and constant, even after a long period of time.
long post
spoiler
I see attraction through two lenses:
There’s overlap between the two, but you can imagine science hasn’t exactly caught up on accounting for the experiences of aromantic/asexual people. The science is paraphrased and I don’t have any relevant qualifications, so if you wanna know more about that, this is more of a jumping off point than a definitive guide.
biological model
There are systems in the brain for physical (sexual) attraction, arousal, romantic love, and attachment. In most people:
the dual attraction model
There many kinds of attraction:
When allo people (both alloromantic and allosexual) talk about being attracted to a (potential) partner, they typically mean sexual and romantic attraction, but do not differentiate between them.
There are lots of ways for people to be on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrums. Some people experience neither romantic nor sexual attraction. Some people can only experience one/both in specific circumstances (like being closely attached to someone).
There’s also the topic of sex repulsion. If you’re only attracted to one end of the gender spectrum, you may experience sexual repulsion at the idea of having sex with someone from the other end of the spectrum. Asexual people may experience that for everyone. Or they may experience it in specific circumstances or at differing intensities. It’s worth noting that people’s reasons for having sex are incredibly diverse and people may choose to partake or abstain independent or whether they’re sex repulsed or not. Similarly, there are plenty of aromantic people who have long term partners who they’re attached to and love. Feels like that should go without saying, but people are brainwormed.