I have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend but I keep getting overpowering feelings of wanting to date other people.
My girlfriend and I have been together almost 7 years now. We have a great life together and I love her dearly. She’s my best friend who I talk to all the time, we always have so much fun when we do things, we travel, great sex, etc. Recently talk of engagement has been popping up which I’m not ready for even though we’ve been together for so long. Despite that, I’m very happy with our relationship.
I do envision spending the rest of my life together and building toward a great future but recently I’ve been experiencing feelings of wanting to date around. I never dated before her. She’s my first partner and only women I’ve had sex with. As I’m getting into my late 20s I feel like I’ve missed out on dating and meeting knew people. Before my girlfriend I never had the confidence to ask girls out, I skipped all of my high school dances, and I had trouble talking to girls in person. I have a lot of regret because of my lack of confidence at that time.
Now I’m confident and much better socially. I just want to experience the thrill of dating. This is despite having a great partner who I love dearly. I’ve been trying to stop these feelings of wanting to date others for months but they’re stronger than ever. I know the grass is not always greener on the other side and dating is not easy. It’s also likely I won’t ever meet someone as good as my current partner. But I can’t shake these feelings. I don’t want to be 40 and having regrets when I already have so many.
What should I do? What other perspectives can I think of? Sorry for the relationship rant, but this site always gives great advice.
You're gonna regret giving up a loving relationship more than you'll regret not fooling around. Dating can be fun sometimes but it's also exhausting and filled with bad experiences.
The grass always looks greener, comrade
Second this. It sounds like you have a good thing going with someone you love OP. You're seriously not missing out on much with being single and dating.
Forgot to mention, I’m in a long distance relationship for the next year and I’ve begun to enjoy my alone time and independence. I guess the grass looks greener because I feel like a weekend night out with someone seems fun when I’m spending it alone.
I gotta be real with you, dude, it doesn't really sound like you're wistful for what could be, it sounds like you're bored and horny and trying to justify getting your dick wet. And that's a totally normal way to feel in those circumstances. But again, you really gotta consider what you're giving up here for it.
Well so I have a question now, what exactly are the circumstances of you two being long-distance? Like, what's prompted this, and why does it have to last a year?
I know this is the right answer but the uncertainty is killing me. It’s not right for her either.
There are dozens of really cool fun ways to spend your 20's and you're going to miss out on the majority of them no matter what you do. No doubt someone else feels the same way you do and would trade with you in a heartbeat. I would. Part of growing up is looking back at the path not taken. Don't let it drive you crazy.
I struggled with making choices like this for a long time. It always felt like choosing one door was just artificially denying myself another. The difference was that “closing doors” was often just me not having the social infrastructure to be in the right place at the right time doing the right things to be able to grasp an opportunity.
Hey thanks for putting this into words, it's something I have struggled with a lot whenever I reach a fork in the road (the forks have a way of multiplying, the deeper you get)
Grass is always greener on the other side
Sleeping around with a bunch of people is nowhere near as fulfilling as having a healthy secure relationship with good sex. And dating people you hardly know is nowhere near as fun as hanging out with a partner that knows you more than anybody else
I'm 100% confident anybody who has experienced both would agree
I've knew a girl who did this. She saw her friends sleeping around and going out dancing on strangers, and got worried that she was missing out on her youth by being in a committed relationship. By all means she and her boyfriend had a perfect relationship for years. She left and the guy was devasted. I wasn't super close with the girl, I don't know how she's doing right now. But they were together for 3 years, not 7.
Since you're a guy, there's a very good shot you would break up with your girl and have trouble even finding someone who will hook up with you. The red flag for this is you described yourself has having trouble dating in school, double since you are probably out of schooling all together. Dating is a lot harder after college. Also starting a new relationship is a very different skill from holding one down, and you don't seem like you've ever gotten much practice.
Being with a partner for a few years might have gotten your confidence up, but online dating will smack it down to earth again. You'll have bad experiences and find yourself regressing back into an awkward teenager. If your plan is to download Tinder/Hinge and have a few fun weekends/see where things go you are in for a rude awakening. A good amount of guys get no matches, if you do get matches you will probably get very few. When you're talking with your matches (if they even respond at all) chances are you will be ghosted long before you even get to know them. There are so many more guys using these apps; any girl you match with is going to have a few hundred more options than you do to select from. You better be confident that you will stand out from the other hundred+ guys, that just from a couple pictures and a few sentences about yourself you will stand out as a stud, the one she is anxious to get to know. If you aren't things get hard, because if someone she fancies more than you starts messaging her while you're still in the talking stage, you probably won't hear from her again.
Yes there are plenty of guys that experience dating success, but you do not know that you will be one of them. 33% of men ages 25-34 self reported that they were not sexually active last year. I know guys who have dating success who still have dry spells that last several months. The guys I know who experience the kind of success where they are regularly meeting new people, the experience you seem to be looking for, are extroverted bros who have a lot going on for them.
You're experiencing anxiety from the engagement talk, that or you're getting bored with life. Find something else to spice up your life with. Unless you have an absolutely massive community of friends/acquaintances that regularly get together, dating sucks. You are not Michael Cera in a coming of age movie, the opportunities you yearn for are already gone, if they even existed for you at all. You are beyond lucky in your current situation. It would be really sad for you to throw it away just to find yourself incel adjacent.
EDIT: I just read the comments where you say you are going long distance for a year. You better put in the effort to find a way to sprinkle in a few visits in that timeframe, or at least do something to keep her interested. That sort of thing doesn't always work out.
like i get what you're saying, to some extent, but the only thing at the end of this path is loneliness and regret. dont be a dumbass. you live in the present, the past is gone. you're not going to get it back by ruining what you have now.
I'm 37 and have never had any success with dating. A few first dates, never a second one, never a relationship. Worked on myself a long time without thought of dating, and I'm trying again, and it's brutal out there. It's hard to even match with anyone on these apps, let alone keep a conversation going. Once you do lots of times it just fizzles out and goes nowhere, and from what I'm hearing from others it's not just the rejects that experience this. This is what hot people go through too. Lots and lots of just nothing. And it's hard to meet people in other ways. We're so atomized now, everything is monetized, everyone is overworked and underpaid and burned out, and from what I can tell, you have something that most people don't. Don't let this FOMO ruin it. You might go through with it and figure out quickly that you threw away a good thing for the dream of recapturing something you missed out on when you were younger. You can't recapture it. Don't try. Appreciate what you have and let this shit fade away.
I was once in a long distance relationship where we agreed that seeing other people was cool. When we got back together after a few months things were different and not in a good way. Its like the original oxytocin bond was broken by forming new ones with other people and then when we got back together it wouldn't reform.
There are certainly experiences you missed out on, and some of them would have been positive. But you're also missing out on a lot of negative experiences by having someone where you both care a lot about one another.
I've been with my wife since we were teenagers and it's easy to reflect on what could have been, but we've also got a life built together with a lot of happiness that we can also reflect on and more importantly enjoy right now every day together.
Just try not to let this turn into resentment for your partner. To me that would be what I would focus on through these feelings.
I have had similar feelings (though I did date a fair bit before meeting my partner) but I’ve never acted on them, and never would. Every time thoughts like that cross my mind I contemplate how insanely lucky I am that I’ve built a life and home with someone who loves me and respects me and has the same values and interests as me. imo no amount of thrills is worth jeopardising that for
Especially when one did create a well working relation with someone and shared a lot of time that becomes a strong shared space in life.
i'm guessing since you didn't mention it, opening the relationship isn't really in the cards?
i don't have any real advice for you but i totally feel where you're coming from. i was in one relationship from the time i was in my mid teens until my mid twenties. after that ended i spent two years single and not dating at all (didn't really know how, couldn't do the apps, etc). now im in a relationship with a poly person and while we're great together it is kind of weird and unfortunate because they are very good at finding new partners and i still don't really know how to date at all. i'd be lying if i said i didn't regret spending so much time with just that one person, ya know?
Forgot to mention we started long distance 1.5 months ago. We’ve talked about an open relationship in the past and we’ve gone on very casual dates recently. I think it’s something to bring up again because we’ll be distant for a full year.
Nothing you do now can change the past. I know this is probably cliche or whatever, but therapy, journaling, self-reflection, and stuff are going to help you deal with all of those feelings about the past more than dating is going to. You can still meet new people, make some friends. Seriously, are you talking to a therapist about this?
Dating is very fun, sometimes. But can be hard and heartbreaking too. Most people (not everyone, ofc) are basically doing it to try to get to the situation you are in. You won, I wouldn't give that up unless either you don't want to be with this person anymore (or have real doubts about that) or think you might be poly. It's like if a kid sucked at basketball in highschool, but somehow got good and got offered a pro-contract, but gave that up to go dunk on highschoolers to get over feelings of inadequacy. You're in the NBA dude, forget about highschool.
The long distance is probably gonna suck, but like, idk get really into video games or something.
