CW: Alcoholism, binge drinking, blackouts
spoiler
I've spoken before about having a parent with serious alcoholism problems before here somewhere, but I personally relapsed after trying to get sober for awhile and feel really shitty about it. I got wasted early in the day, and then went through shit I had to get done at home drunk around 3-ish throughout the day and just kept taking a gluggluglugglug kind of swig from an 80 proof bottle after each chore, and eventually ended up going to bed early, then woke up completely confused and thinking I was in my back yard instead of my bedroom for some reason and it took me like 10 minutes to figure out where I was while being scared and pathetic and alone. I don't want to fucking be like this anymore. I've been to AA meetings before and was really offput by the weird pseudo-Calvinist shit and would appreciate some kind of secular and preferable left-friendly options for getting sober because I'm in really bad shape mentally right now and don't really have any faith in the typical avenues where people go to when they want to get help.
Hi, I'm the creator of this comm. Ironically, I'm mostly sober, just being a struggling alcoholic that can't seem to make it past a couple weeks. I'm very well versed in alcoholism. If I'm drinking, I'm just chugging straight out of my gallon of vodka every 30 minutes while I do the dishes and such. I would love to give you the tips I've learned over my time getting more sober. I'm still not to a point I can call myself sober, but I'm doing way better than I was a year ago, and I think that's the important part. Seriously, if you ever need someone to DM, DM me. I'll send you a message after this so that we can kinda keep in touch. I have a sobriety buddy on here, and recently learned that I'm kinda someone else's sobriety buddy on here. Hexbear has been an amazing sobriety resource on here.
First off, withdrawals. Do you get the shakes when you don't drink? Do you sweat uncontrollably when you're sober? If so, your first step is going to a hospital in the morning before you start drinking. Alcohol withdrawal can be deadly, it's what killed Amy Winehouse, if you're having symptoms of physical addiction please go to the hospital or maybe urgent care if you know a cool one. Be honest with them, you're an alcoholic trying to quit and you're in withdrawal. They will respect you, and help you more the more you're honest with them. Nobody is going to shame an alcoholic whose sober. They will give you meds that will help. Be honest about how much you drink too, they won't judge you, they're just trying to figure out how much of the meds they should give you. Librium is what's typically given, it will really help with cravings and withdrawal, especially if you go to a decent ER. Be warned though, shit is a benzo, they don't give you enough for it to be a problem, but don't get hooked on it. One time I got given ativan for it and I kinda hated that, librium is way better.
Second, other people have said it, but I love SMART recovery. They're secular, and they include behavioral addictions which is one of my favorite parts. I've talked to sex addicts and video game addicts that have gone just as low as I have in my drug addictions, and it makes me feel a lot less crazy. Like addiction isn't JUST the drugs and your "bad decisions" but just a part of being human. Seriously, I LOVE SMART. Even if you don't, just talking to people like you is good. The program is less important than the aspect of not feeling alone. AA is too religious for me, it makes me really uncomfortable, and as someone who has had a near death experience, I make the christians real uncomfortable. I even 100 percent believe in an abstract higher power, but AA is too much.
Third, this is a tip another Hexbear user gave me, but start writing letters to yourself. Think about why you drink, why you don't want to drink, the things you want to maintain/build by not drinking. Write to yourself like you're watching a close friend do what you're doing. How you love them and hate to see them destroy their life with alcohol. Write letters to people who have hurt you if that's a factor. You don't have to show anything to anybody else, you just have to get your thoughts out somewhere. Do not bottle up all your feelings, the only way to handle that is by exploding from the emotions fermenting, drinking to ignore it, or both. Write your feelings out, seriously it's made a huge difference. When I was withdrawaling bad as fuck earlier this week, I had the cheap choice of going to buy more vodka, or spending the $100 it would take to get to the ER and get my prescriptions. I put on my shoes to go grab the liquor, but then I decided to write a letter to myself, and decided to go to the ER to be free of the physical dependence.
Fourth, is psychiatric help. I'm in a free outpatient rehab program that has therapists and psychs that have training in MAT, so I'm lucky. I'm super fucking lucky getting this in the US. But this has helped a lot in my alcoholism. I'm so upset thinking about having to tell my therapist about that last paragraph tomorrow. It's not that she's going to make me feel like shit, she'll make me feel better about the situation. But I'm accountable to someone, and that's really hard sometimes but it's worth it. She listened to the standards I want to hold for myself, and helps me keep them. Also, getting on zoloft for my social anxiety made me less dependent on alcohol for my energy, social abilities, sleep, ect... Risperidone for psychotic symptoms and sleep. I'm gonna ask them to put me on camperal next time I'm in for the urges to drink.
Fifth, is weed. Specifically CBN. Get some edibles with CBN, some made by you or your friend will have CBN because you technically made them "wrong" (but that's a whole 'nother conversation because CBN makes edibles way better). CBN is psychoactive CBD, it's like a weed benzo, it's absolutely amazing. It'll help you through withdrawals, and will help you with cravings. I mean, why drink when you can have a way better "downer" experience?
Six, is take magnesium and b12. Separate from being sober, liquor (and drugs mostly) drain your body's magnesium and b12 quite a bit, and this can have quite major consequences, such as constant muscle tension, and semi-permanent dissociation in the case of b12. They make hangovers way better. But these also help quite a bit with withdrawals.
Seventh, is psychedelics. I put down fentanyl after a shrooms trip when I looked in the mirror and just asked "what the fuck am I doing with my life?". I looked so shitty from my addiction, I realized everything it was making me give up. I started tapering and got off in 2 weeks with the taper. I cried for a bit, then got on with the rest of my trip and had a fun time. It really helped me.
I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to vent here anytime, and my DMs are always open
Kinda and not really? My hands have always been slightly shaky even before I started drinking, but it is noticably a bit worse when I'm hungover or have a longer than usual time back on the wagon. I'm frequently warmer than other people around me, but wouldn't say I'm especially sweaty. I do drink a lot of water and pee a lot though?
SMART looks good from what I've now heard and looked at.
I feel like I'd probably struggle with the letter thing the most honestly. I have a really hard time being kind to myself and am simultaneously a neurotic perfectionist and kinda self-sabotaging and self-deprecating. I've been to therapy and doing self dialogues and "inner child" kinda work honestly made me more uncomfortable than opening up about really traumatic memories and some of my worst anxieties.
Appreciate what you had to say a lot though, and thank you for making the comm. Being really hard on myself most of the time, it helps a lot to here from relative strangers who I share a lot in common with and like that I'm not like, uniquely fucked up like my worst impulses want to convince myself that I am.
Don't know where you're located, but if you're in a city look for a mental health urgent care. I'm also constantly shaky even without withdrawals, but straight hangover doesn't make people shaky. Withdrawal also gives you far worse heat regulation. You might be able to find a cheap place to get meds for withdrawals. Just don't risk it. Take your meds however you feel like besides abusing them, and 100 percent don't drink on them.
As far as the difficulty with self dialogue, I understand that. Honestly, I'm kinda the same way besides for the self dialogue part. If you need to trauma dump, my DMs are open. Seriously, go for it buddy (not a condescending buddy, I just use it as a gender neutral term).
Thanks a ton for all the suggestions. Is there a guide out there for identifying and diagnosing "how much of this is the psychological addiction symptoms" vs "how much of this is physical chemical dependency withdrawal symptoms" type stuff? I've been diagnosed with GAD before and knowing where that begins with like, occasionally racing heart rate vs "your CNS has got accustomed to functioning with a depressant on your system, and if you're not on it your baseline is gonna be higher."
I don't really think there's a guide for it. Physical dependency is the bigger deal I'd say, because it makes it feel nearly impossible to put down the bottle for a day. If you can make it a day or two without drinking before you falter, it's more psychological addiction.
And with being previously diagnosed with GAD, alcohol and downers all make sense as an addiction. Your body will recover without the alcohol, your nervous system will go back to the way it used to be for the most part (ignoring nerve damage caused by alcohol). And the recovery starts way sooner than you think it does. We were like this before we were drinking, shaky, anxiety ridden messes that couldn't get our brains to slow down. Alcohol made it worse, no doubt, but we were like this before we started drinking. We'll be returning to a shitty state, but it's still us.
From what we've talked about, I'd assume most of your addiction is psychological, even if you're physically dependent. Even ignoring the withdrawals, you're using alcohol to replace social and coping skills. Not saying anything bad about you, I'm an alcoholic too and had similar thoughts of "if I can get past the withdrawal it'll be fine" but now I've gone through the full withdrawal 3 times since February. Getting through withdrawal didn't make me less anxious or scared of people. The big reason I suggest psychiatric help is because you have good reasons to drink, and you need to have those needs met before you even stand a chance of getting sober. I mean if you get something for social anxiety that helps you, that's one less urge to drink yk? I got all those needs met with meds, but I'm still struggling to stay sober.
Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply I thought "hey, once I kick withdrawals it'll be smooth sailing" haha. I've had extended stretches before where I've been dry for months and then something really difficult or retraumatizing will come up and I'll fall off the wagon kinda hard. The last month-ish has been like that, and it took me until making this post initially to be like "shit, I need to get it together" again.