year we have been broken up now for about 2 and I haven’t talked to her since she said we were better off apart when we split up. I feel guilty about being abusive to her because I go to therapy now and got sober off of the stuff I was addicted to so I feel like an asshole and want to apologize. At the same time I have no feelings for this girl I dislike her and think she mistreated me so like it sucks that I feel so guilty to someone who was also abusive to me. She told me we were better off apart and goodbye. I know I shouldn’t text her but I want too because the guilt grows everyday about what I did. Pls help. Do I apologize? Or is it selfish and just my own ego wanting to feel better and doing it for the wrong reason. Basically I’m asking if I should apologize or just leave her alone.
Sounds like you want to potentially bring back bad memories for her so you feel better about yourself. Having that desire doesn't make you a bad person - you're basically fishing for closure - but I think acting on it would be quite selfish. That said, none of us know the details of your past relationship so can't tell you for sure whether it's a good idea or not.
Also consider the very real risk that things devolve into an argument and you both just feel worse about yourselves. If there's a long history of abusive patterns then it's all too easy to fall back into that same behaviour.
You just like gave me a life realization. It is self centered motivation and that’s been like my whole problem with life. I’m too self centered and it causes me to behave in disgusting shitty ways. I need to be selfless and let go of the ego internal struggle I’ve been having for a long time now. It’s selfish of me too and I need to change