Holy shit, that's heartbreaking. You definitely don't need to apologize - i'm glad you have somewhere to post and hopefully a comrade can help you out. Even though you're the one who has to shoulder the consequences of this, please know that it's hard to blame you for getting swept up in a system explicitly designed to take advantage of people in your situation.

For anyone reading along and hasn't seen it yet, Jim Sterling's video essay on this topic is excellent and has some seriously mask-off moments from the industry that shows they know exactly what they're doing and this cyclical process of exploitation is a pillar of their business model.