My work life was always shit for some reason I'm a lightning rod for people to express their anger onto always have been.
My parents never loved me every job i ever had all my colleagues resented me and it kinda peaked at one job where a guy there called me a freak, a creap every day and then just kinda started physically assaulting me. But that was ok it was a "family business" we were just like brothers right?
Eventually i worked up the courage to complain and all that was said is "sorry can't do anything he's useful resource" "we saw it all happen but didn't think it was important". Its me I'm always making a fuss I'm wrong I've always been wrong just fucking everything up for everyone else.
They all hated me, i was excluded from everything and i never said anything. At Christmas events I'd hide in the toilets. I was bullied constantly and i just am constantly attracting people who want to make sure I'm always unhappy.
Idk what i did but maybe i deserve it. Idk what i did wrong
Not even an ask I'm just lost. Idk what I'm supposed to do anymore. I sit in some stupid privileged programmer position but i hate everything all the time i feel nothing but negative emotions every day all i ever do is make the world worse
you didn't deserve it. terrible things happen to good people all the time.
you didn't attract abuse. abusers are very skilled at finding victims.
none of this is your fault.
are you somewhere safe right now?
I just got home idk whats wrong with me i must have done something in a past life. Tbh i feel like I'm just making a fuss other people have much bigger problems than i do
this is a classic response. don't fall for it. it matters for you, you didn't deserve this treatment, and it's not because of who you are or were.
make sure you're eating enough, getting enough water, take some naps if you gotta. every time you're needing to take care of the mental/spirit you gotta stop yourself and make sure you've been getting enough of the body stuff checked off as well, otherwise you're gonna feel bad.
i am very sorry you are dealing with this.
your problems matter ❤️ we care about you.
how are you doing physically? would a shower help?
I am not going to talk to you about things you should "do" or how to deal with the situation of your employment. Not my place, I am not wise enough, or clued-in enough.
I just wanted to say that as a person who was sexually abused by a coworker in their younger years, who woke up the next day feeling like human garbage, I really want you to treat yourself with as much kindness as you can. Do the trick where you imagine you are someone else that you have to be nice to, if that is necessary. However you do it, just don't cave to the occasional negative feelings, or minimization, or self-blame, or any of that yucky crap.
Even after you get yourself out of that situation / the situation changes, you will still need to be the person you can count on to treat yourself with compassion. It took me a long time to "feel better", and a long time to be able to fully acknowledge to myself what happened and what it meant for me.
