Drank two nights in a row for the first time in awhile and feel bad about it
Over the last couple months, have been doing a lot better overall, but it never feels like enough and each falter feels worse when I've trying to be committed to being sober
Idk, I'm angry at myself and disappointed and don't know what to do with that
I'm making so much effort to improve myself and it's just like it all feels pathetic and useless sometimes
I feel really lonely and upset with where I am in my life and just wish I had a partner and some close friends and there's just nothing for me other than masochistic exercise and cats
Don't get me wrong, I love both of those, but it still feels really hollow sometimes
Idk
People need other people sometimes and I happen to be a person and unfortunately don't really have anyone
This one hits particularly close to home. What you realize after a while is that getting better is a tiring full time job, and you don't get to take a break from it cause that's called a relapse. It's like the IRA's "we only need to get lucky once, you need to get lucky every time" and you're Margaret Thatcher. It's hard. You need to stay strong in your weakest moments which... uh... they're called weak for a reason???
Idk, all I can say is don't let the guilt take over, comrade. You had a moment of weakness today, tomorrow you keep fighting like you were two days ago. A couple of fuckups don't define your overall trajectory, you're still getting better and that's what matters.
And you're definitely not alone in feeling lonely, comrade. It's not exactly an uplifting thought but it's something I guess...