CW Rant with some discussion of familial trauma, religion, mention of substance use
I drove over 6 hours to see them and be present for the holidays and they went out of their way to cross my boundaries and make me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be rude when they put me on the spot so I read the verses they wanted to humor them, but then they asked me to lead a fuckin prayer. They are aware I’m an atheist and resent that fact; I try to respect their beliefs but they push theirs onto me like this. I said a short prayer to get out of this whole situation and my mom started crying and smiling huge like I was just converted. Feel so weird and gross about this. They roped my partner into participating too and they’re of the same mind as me on these things so it made us both uncomfortable and anxious.
This incident was just icing on the cake of a trip full of my emotionally abusive mother starting constant arguments, my family trying to get me to drink knowing I’m sober, and being around my siblings one of whom is I’ll just say an abusive shithead. I don’t think I’ll bother going next year. I recall vividly why I was hyped to move out and why I don’t call more often. The neglect, manipulation, and abuse of years in that household all came flowing back. No wonder i deal with so much mental health shit lol
Edit: sorry if initial phrasing doesn’t convey the reason the prayer got me but it’s because I left Christianity due to the institutional abuses I experienced and witnessed, not just because I’m not religious these days. I just got put on the spot and due to family history went fight or flight and compromised my needs to get out of there asap. Really just needed to vent abt this didn’t want to spark confusion or debate sorry
Sorry for the rant just wanted to vent to my cool internet stranger friends
Me asking “why are parents like this” and in 18 years from now demanding my turbo-liberal offspring read a passage from Blackshirts and Reds before we begin our November 7th festivities
Yikes. No one should have to go through that (and I'd point out most Abrahamaic sects expressly prohibit coerced religious participation, not that it helps much)
I guess the prayer would've been just, at best, awkward, but it being the icing of the cake of your drunkard-enabling and abusive family... you know what, I have no words for your situation
Seems like you're pretty independent. Why do you let them abuse you like this? :\
I dropped out of uni and moved back in with them when I was 18, then when I moved out again they helped me get a car. So I feel on some level like I owe them for that. This is only my second year of holidays without living under their roof so I suppose I’m figuring out how to set these boundaries by experience
You'll feel a lot better when you set those boundaries but it took me many years after moving out to do it. I let my parents push me around for years with emotional manipulation and constant guilt tripping until one day i actually told them how they made me feel... The intention was to get them to see my perspective but what happened was my mum had a massive meltdown and went fully into denial then decided to flip it around and make me the problem lol so i gave them the middle finger and haven't spoken to them in 2 years.
The part that hurt the most was my dad telling me he now likes my mum again after i went because he and i quote "doesn't have to see her being mean to me"....
Upside is the chronic anxiety i had since I was like 7 just up and vanished as if i never had it to begin with
It takes time for sure. Just be sure to set them. I never did with my father and I eventually had to tell him to fuck off. Honestly, if you were a more confrontational person (which it doesn't seem like you are since you allowed this to happen), I would've just outright told them no on the spot. Or something like that. I only have advice for confrontational people since I am one. I don't care for dancing around issues over the course of months. Sorry :\
You know it’s funny I’m normally not averse to confrontation if a friend, stranger, whatever does some fuck shit. But I can’t w my parents sometimes just bc of trauma around it. But that’s more to talk abt with my therapist not hexbear lol. Ty for your supportive comments and thoughts though I appreciate that
Some families there is no winning. You just go a long to get along so as not to make a scene. Then you don't come back. Because they're not going to change.
Sometimes making a scene is the only way to get your point across. But maybe I'm just an asshole like that. IDK
As someone who was raised Christian and still has some level of religious participation, this is unsettling to read about. Using that kind of pressure on someone to do religious activity is repulsive, the Bible has a lot to say about promoting people to take part in the religion non-genuinely.
You've done nothing wrong and are entirely justified in not coming back. Tell them about all the boundaries they've crossed, and that it's neither okay nor useful to try to coerce someone into halfhearted religious activity. You're fully within your rights to say you'll never come back unless they promise you they won't make you take a role in religious stuff, or prompt you to drink, or anything else you want to include. It's worth it to live your own life, not their projections of it.
Damn I'm sorry, I have a similar religious situation but my family isn't that shitty. You don't deserve that crap.
Fuck that. Sorry they pulled that manipulative BS on you.
I hope you can articulate clear boundaries that they will respect in the future, I think you're within your rights to demand that respect or decline to visit until you get assurances.
The combo of wacky religious conviction and also trying to undermine your sobriety is fucking wild tho. That's not a version of Christian asshole I've encountered before.
I appreciate that ty for your comment. Yeah it’s a combo of my dad being an ex pastor and my mom being raised in what she herself described as a Christian cult that she recently rejoined, giving the evangelical vibes, and my mother being an alcohol abuser since I was a child.
I’m sober because of what alcohol did and does to my family, but I’ve never articulated that to them. I think my parents are aware enough to recognize their own alcohol abuse and its impacts though, and they take me rejecting alcohol entirely as a slight at them for that so defensively try to change me instead of reflecting. It’s a weird dynamic
Honestly that seems like a very charitable and insightful understanding of them. I can tell they matter a lot to you.
If you haven't tried a firm but polite refusal they might be concerned enough about decorum for that to stop them in the moment? I've known people like this who are very intent on the appearance of politeness and harmony. But you know them better than me.
Whatever the case please protect yourself and your partner. If they can manipulate you into doing something like this they could maybe get you to do other things you would regret.
You’ve got good intuition there they certainly value that outward image highly. And yeah after all this I decided we should leave early. I want a good relationship with my family in the abstract but need to have my boundaries respected first, and they’re not willing to do that without a fight right now. Thank you for your insight and concern, it means a lot
I dealt with so much abuse and bigotry being raised in the church. They’re words that remind me of years of the worst shit organized religion can do behind closed doors, and this is context that was known in this situation and intentionally disregarded because they don’t view my beliefs and experiences as valid or respectable.
I don’t expect you to know all the context and details, I’m just venting, but it’s a lot more than just words to me
when people are venting about something that impacts them, your opinion as an uninvolved, neutral observer does not matter
learn to shut the fuck up, sincerely. it's a valuable skill.
no. there's symbolic meaning to the ritual and coercing someone into it is super shitty.
Trying to convince a sober alcoholic to drink is far more than just words
