I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm in my mid/late 20s and don't know how to function in the world. It took me forever to graduate from college with a degree in computer science, not cause I wasn't capable but because I wanted to do comedy. I've gotten interviews with big tech and grad school offers but I'm funny. I've had pro comedians tell me I'm special and can be something. So I took the broke road and actually was starting to join an improv troupe and learning more sets while doing side jobs in entertainment to supplement my income.
But then the pandemic happened and I don't know what to do. I can't work in entertainment atm cause COVID and my mom's at risk. My mother and I are unemployed. I've been cripplingly depressed. I feel like I should go back into comp sci because I'm leaving 100k+ on the table. Money doesn't mean anything to me personally, but I know I have to eat. My mom is older and having troubles finding things. I've done side jobs to supplement our income but I know it's not sustainable.
I want to be happy in life. There was nothing that made me happier than being on stage. Making people smile while saying thoughtful things left me so fulfilled. I've done videos on social media but you need a viewer base. I've considered doing informational comedy videos around politics cause there is no true leftist comedian out there (esp black ones), but I've been so depressed and anxious and I'm so new to leftism, I've been convincing myself out of it. Maybe I should just push that time into the fucking coding interview book I've grown to hate. Maybe my happiness is selfish because I can support my family so much by selling my soul for big tech.
I'm fighting depression, struggles with the pandemic, money, ADHD, myself, I hate everything and feel I'm too old to not know what I'm doing. I don't want to be selfish but I really REALLY feel if I work on things, I can be a comedian. But I also can't create if I hate myself, which I currently do for being my age, being dependent with an amazing degree and not doing as much as I thought I would at this age.
Should I just go back to tech? Is comedy too naive, esp in these times? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? IDK chapos, I'm just big sad atm.
Edit: Awwww geee, I was already crying before I wrote this, now I started crying again from all the kind replies. I appreciate this community so much. Thank you all for your kind words, encouragement and advice. I already wrote some small things in response to the encouragement. I love you all and ANYTHING I create, the first place I'll share it is with my comrades here at Chapo. Thanks for giving this anxious depressed fuck more encouragement to keep fighting on. :rat-salute: :deng-cowboy: :fidel-salute: :chavez-salute: :sankara-salute: :maduro-salute:
I probably can, the thought just depresses me so much and I know tech friends that do but don't have a lot of time for themselves. But maybe I need to suck it up. IDK.
No, you don’t need to suck it up. Working for the man generally sucks. Even as a successful comedian, you will still be stolen from and you will still be under all kinds of pressure in our sick society. (For instance I suspect that few comedians are outright socialists because the kinds of people who go to comedy shows don’t want to hear it.) If all jobs suck, you might as well work a job that earns you some money, if you can.
But if this is truly an unbearable thought—if every direction you turn in seems to suck—it might be clinical depression doing this to you. Have you felt like shit all day every day for more than two weeks?
I've been diagnosed and been having some issues this summer w/ lockdown and black deaths all over, so know it's depression talking in my head the loudest. I used to have a therapist but lost it with the age limit and my mom being unemployed. The county has services for uninsured peeps but I don't mesh as well with my new therapist. I have to lean harder on exercise and meditation since I can't get the therapy I need. But my support system has helped me a ton from getting back to my lowest point.
Good. I’m always here to talk if you need someone.