I went to a gay nightclub and most of the night I just stood there not talking to anyone (for the third night in a row). But when I was about to leave I managed to compliment a guy’s top. He said thanks then we didn’t really interact anymore.
As I was leaving, I noticed him standing outside, so I went and asked if he was waiting for a ride (to make sure he was alright I guess? I don’t really know why I did it tbh). He said yeah a friend was coming to pick him up.
But then he asked me for my Snapchat or Instagram, I told him I could give my phone number (I don’t have either of those apps) and he handed me his phone to put my number in the messages app and message myself so I get his number. I told him my name and he told me his.
Then I just sort of went back to my car and left. I have no idea what to do next. We didn’t really talk or anything, everything I said above is the entirety of my interactions with him. So we don’t know anything about each other.
So what do I do? Did I walk away too early? What do I text him? Try to get to know him over text? How would I even start that? Or just ask to meet up at a coffee shop or something? How do I not sound desperate? Do I need to wait 3 days or whatever social rule bullshit exists? Did he just exchange numbers to humor me to get me to go away?
I have literally no experience with any of this, but I do have crippling social anxiety.
I wouldn't worry too much about social rules about waiting 3 days.
You want to temper your personality if you have a tendency to be excessive but if you do things that are really counter to your nature then you're going to give false impressions and sooner or later you'll be faced with a choice between continuing to keep up the act, which is not good for you or the potential relationship/friendship, or to drop the act, which generally leads to rejection because you will appear to have changed in the eyes of the other person.
Think about this like clothes. You don't want to be wearing something that absolutely isn't your style. You want to wear something flattering that represents the best parts of yourself while minimising the flaws. You don't want to wear your awkward, unflattering house clothes.
In a similar way, you want to present a good version of yourself that minimises the flaws but which is still authentic to who you are when interacting with them.
Next, strike up a conversation with them via message. Tell them that it was nice to meet them and maybe say something like "I would've spent more time chatting to you but I'm kinda shy", except in your own words. Ask them something general in the same message - did they have a good night, were they out for an occasion or were they just having a night out, do they go there often, that sort of thing. But only ask them one question.
Let them respond before your next reply. Hopefully they'll respond with a question for you. Acknowledge what they said, e.g. "Yeah there was a good vibe there the other night. I had fun too." if they said they had a good time, then answer their question and reply with a follow up question that is still pretty general and not too personal.
Keep the back and forth going like that but get more personal on questions gradually or as per their signalling. E.g. if they tell you they were out with friends then it signals that you're allowed to ask them if they are friends from college or something to that effect. If they tell you they were out for a friend's birthday then it signals that you're (most likely) welcome to ask how old their friend was turning. That sort of thing.
If they show an active interest in responding to your questions and (especially) if they reply with questions for you that's a good sign and, eventually, you're either going to have two options:
-
Tell them that you have a tendency to miss cues and that you appreciate directness
-
Try to wait for a cue when they bring up the next time they're going out or that they don't have any plans for the weekend and interpret that correctly and do the social manoeuvring to ascertain whether they are inviting you to meet up or they are signalling to you that they want you to offer a suggestion to catch up for coffee or something similar
Option one is easier on you but it's asking them to take a fair degree of risk of rejection which often doesn't go over so well with shy people and those lacking confidence.
Option two is harder and it often takes a degree of familiarity with the steps in the social dance of neurotypicals, which always varies depending on the other person and their cultural context so there's really no hard and fast rules. Sucks, but it is what it is.
If you're leaning towards option one then you can soften the blow by saying that you're pretty direct and honest but that doesn't mean that they have to put themselves on the line because they are welcome to ask direct questions to feel out how where you're at and it'll take the guesswork out of the situation because you don't really play games. I wouldn't word it in those terms though. I'd say something like "I'm a pretty straightforward person and tbh I don't really play games because I'm not good at them so if I ever leave you wondering then feel free to ask me what I'm thinking and I'll give you an honest answer." But put this sort of message in your own words, if you feel comfortable with using it. Or adapt it to your preference.
Eventually the next step will be to nail down a time and place to meet up again that you both agree to.
I hope this is helpful to you.
Do you mind proofreading the first message?
Hey [name], it was nice meeting you! Sorry I didn’t really have much to say on Saturday, I can be pretty shy [maybe: with new people]. Did you have a good time that night?
Although I’m worried the conversation could come to a pause. If he just replies with something like “Yeah I had a good time.” with no question for me. There’s nothing really to follow up.
Or actually, I feel like it would probably go “did you have a good time?”, “yeah, you?”, “yeah” and then I wouldn’t know how to follow up.
a follow up question that is still pretty general and not too personal.
What could this question be? I can’t really think of anythIng.
Looks good!
Although I’m worried the conversation could come to a pause. If he just replies with something like “Yeah I had a good time.” with no question for me. There’s nothing really to follow up.
If that happens leave it for a short while maybe and then ask them if they go there often.
Or actually, I feel like it would probably go “did you have a good time?”, “yeah, you?”, “yeah” and then I wouldn’t know how to follow up.
The next thing, for more neurotypical conversations like this, is "breadcrumbing" where you lead the next question they'll ask you by saying something like "Yeah, I had a good time. It was the first time I've been there and it was more fun than I expected." This indicates that, if they have a fairly high level of social reciprocity, they should ask you where you normally go out where you can respond by saying where you normally go to or, alternatively, to say that you don't go out that often but instead you engage in other hobbies or activities, such as saying that you tend to get up early and go to the gym on weekends rather than going out partying or that you tend to stay in watching movies. That sort of thing.
What could this question be? I can’t really think of anythIng.
Were you out with friends? What do you do for fun? Are you in college? That sort of thing. Try to pick up on the cues that the other person leaves for you to inform what you ask about - if they mention a topic they are typically signalling for you to ask a question about that topic.
I'm in awe of the details in these comments and the clarity with which you have communicated them. Thank you, these are super helpful.
Thanks, I really appreciate your feedback.
I know how hard it can be to navigate social interactions with allistic people because of how confusing it all is, so I try to be as clear and specific as I possibly can to make it a bit easier.
So how long do I wait to give up hope on getting a reply to my first message?
I assume it’s not a good idea to send another message?
Why would he ask for my phone number if he didn’t want to talk?
Also, I don’t think I’ve said it yet, so thank you for the advice.
So how long do I wait to give up hope on getting a reply to my first message?
Hard to say. They might even take a couple of days to respond.
I assume it’s not a good idea to send another message?
I wouldn't send another message because it won't go over well.
Why would he ask for my phone number if he didn’t want to talk?
Sometimes people can be drunk/high/impulsive or occasionally even just in it for the ego boost (for themselves or to brag about to others) or to make someone else jealous.
Some people play games, unfortunately.
Also, I don’t think I’ve said it yet, so thank you for the advice.
You're most welcome!
I have had a deep interest in communication since I was a kid and I'm high masking and late diagnosed so I've been deep in neurotypical culture like some unqualified field anthropologist for my entire life and because of that I feel like I have a reasonable grasp on neurotypical culture by this point in my life and I'm just happy to be able to share my insight into it.
(I get how frustrating it can be when you ask a neurotypical person why you should/shouldn't do something and the only response you get is "...because!"; sometimes it takes an outsider who doesn't implicitly grasp what's going on so instead they have to learn the rules by trial & error and careful observation to be able to articulate what's going on. Sorta like how if you ask a native speaker why something is said the way it is and they'll tell you "Because that's how you're supposed to say it" but a non-native speaker will be more likely to tell you about irregular conjugation of verbs or hypercorrection or that sort of thing since they had to learn the rules consciously rather than on autopilot.)
-
I would text something like "Hey I'm pretty socially awkward, you seem cool, want to get coffee sometime?" If he doesn't respond then just don't reach out again. If he does respond, then go from there. Some people are cool with socially awkward people and kind. If he uses your social awkwardness to put you down if you do interact with him, then stop hanging out with him.
“Hey I’m pretty socially awkward, you seem cool, want to get coffee sometime?”
I don't date, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I always sneak a couple of disclaimers like "I'm bad with names/faces/instant messaging apps" during the first couple of conversations with people I just met, and they always react well to that and avoids a lot of early game confusion. And if they react poorly, you have successfully identified an asshole.
Him initiating would definitely be better, but I’m worried if I wait too long for him to initiate, it will become too stale for me to initiate.
No idea if I’d see him again without texting him. The only way is if we’re both at the nightclub again and run into each other.
Question: do you have a desire to get to know him better? Or even to go on a date or get into a relationship?
Yes. I’m ultimately trying to get a boyfriend. But even just a friend would be good.
Especially since you led with a compliment, I think it is okay to be pretty direct/forwards esp. for/with gay men. ReadFanon put a good framework for thinking about the whole thing. You can also say something like "Nice meeting u last night, I think ur really cute/handsome/hot! Do you want to get a drink/go dancing/get coffee sometime?" as your first text if its still within a few days.
