i keep playing games im really bad at, which i like watching from time to time but only make me feel like a dumbass cos i lose costantly (mainly chess).
after that, i tell myself im good for nothing, and i go back into a depressive/anxious spiral that can last half a day if i dont manage to calm myself down, but even after that i try to try again the day after, which one might think is the good and honest thing to do, right? like trying again to try to improve? but then i lose another couple of games/do badly at the videogamez and it restarts all over again and i cry on myself again. i know it might sound like im exaggerating but i think it's some sort of self harm.
and im starting to doubt if im good at anything, cos i really am not. like the only thing i've been more than ok at for the past two years or so is my high school math, which, tbh, is going great, im helping out basically all my friends pass, but even slightly outside of that i am complete trash at stuff, like not even worth trying.
You seem to have low self esteem but also very high expectations from yourself even on unimportant stuff. But if you are in highschool, I wouldn't worry THAT much, lots of people are like that in highschool. They push through and it usually gets better at the other side. I was a bit like that in highschool too.
Also, being bad at videogames is cool and good. Fuck the videogames, it's not important either way. At least math is more important.
push through what?
The shittiness of mid-late teens basically.
Also seeing a therapist might help (it usually does help a lot from people I've talked to) and that's what a lot of people might tell you but I know some parents are really weird about therapy.