i keep playing games im really bad at, which i like watching from time to time but only make me feel like a dumbass cos i lose costantly (mainly chess).
after that, i tell myself im good for nothing, and i go back into a depressive/anxious spiral that can last half a day if i dont manage to calm myself down, but even after that i try to try again the day after, which one might think is the good and honest thing to do, right? like trying again to try to improve? but then i lose another couple of games/do badly at the videogamez and it restarts all over again and i cry on myself again. i know it might sound like im exaggerating but i think it's some sort of self harm.
and im starting to doubt if im good at anything, cos i really am not. like the only thing i've been more than ok at for the past two years or so is my high school math, which, tbh, is going great, im helping out basically all my friends pass, but even slightly outside of that i am complete trash at stuff, like not even worth trying.
Nobody's good at chess or video games naturally. It's heavily dependent on practice- both how much you practice and how effectively you practice. For something like that, it doesn't make sense to say "I'm bad at" like it's some immutable part of your being. It makes morse sense to say "I haven't yet invested the time to get good at".
I'm not an expert on mental health, so I don't want to make recommendations. It sounds like you're getting seriously emotionally invested in something like chess or video games in a way that's unhealthy (and, as you say, may be a form of self-harm), so maybe the best thing to do is just steer clear of activities like that until you feel equipped to handle them in a healthy way. But it might also be a good idea to take up a hobby that you can practice in a way that doesn't make you feel like this, and feel yourself going from novice to being good at it. Maybe something non-competitive like a musical instrument or learning a second language. Even chess could possibly work if you got one of those apps that plays at your level, gives you tutorials and puzzles. But don't do any of the above if it's going to make you feel anxiety like you're describing!
Also if I had to pick one thing to be good at high school, math would be at the top of the list. I don't know what your plans for the future are, but being good at math alone is enough to unlock some really good careers.
thank you, this is a really good comment. but maybe im saying this just cos it validates the fact im feeling quite bad atm
really? idk, i wanted to be a math teacher since that sounds like something good and easy for me, but i also have mental issues so im not sure i would be fit to. other than that it's all really boring shit, like finance and accounting, and i'd rather die than do those. idrk if i want to study math if that's what i might end up doing.
You should definitely look around, try to get an impression of what kind of jobs are out there. I give this advice as somebody who was also good at math and totally failed to do this myself. I was very lucky to fall into a good job anyway but it would have been a much smoother ride if I'd had more of an idea from the outset.
I don't know what you'd find interesting or enjoyable. Statistics in particular has really wide-ranging uses, including in academia if that's something that you're interested in. Also data science, though that also involves coding. In finance there may be jobs that are less boring than you think, but it also has other potential issues- moral objections and work culture being two big ones. Math teacher could be a good option too