i keep playing games im really bad at, which i like watching from time to time but only make me feel like a dumbass cos i lose costantly (mainly chess).
after that, i tell myself im good for nothing, and i go back into a depressive/anxious spiral that can last half a day if i dont manage to calm myself down, but even after that i try to try again the day after, which one might think is the good and honest thing to do, right? like trying again to try to improve? but then i lose another couple of games/do badly at the videogamez and it restarts all over again and i cry on myself again. i know it might sound like im exaggerating but i think it's some sort of self harm.
and im starting to doubt if im good at anything, cos i really am not. like the only thing i've been more than ok at for the past two years or so is my high school math, which, tbh, is going great, im helping out basically all my friends pass, but even slightly outside of that i am complete trash at stuff, like not even worth trying.
I don't believe that talent is a myth, but a lot of the variation in ability for beginners, particularly in school performance, comes from previous experiences that helped you without you knowing it. Playing a bunch of video games with realistic movement will give you a good sense of newtonian physics. Reading virtually anything gives people better reading comprehension and analysis. When you reach the upper levels of any kind of field, such as graduate level or even undergraduate studies, you'll likely see a flattening out of ability. Nothing really prepares you for k-space, Fourier transforms, or Hegelian dialectics. There will still be a fair amount of variability, but the primary driver of performance will likely be effort, at that point. You always hear about exceptions, but I think it's just people blustering most of the time.
Really, just don't hyperfixate on your performance for things, except for when it materially matters. For school, jobs, etc., we have no choice, but for everything else go easy on yourself. They certainly won't.