happened this saturday. i usually write stuff like this a bit earlier than this, but i was a bit busy and i wasnt bothered to make a post about it. i woke up very late (2PM) cos i had a dnd game with my online friends that lasted well into the night. apparently when they woke me up and told me to come upstairs to have lunch i told them off, but i dont really have recollection of that. after that they went on a tangent about how i am never grateful, i never help, im never there with them, and so on. after a while of just taking it (while still in bed), i break out, crying in my pillow, i threaten them to call my therapist, which they thought was a stupid idea, they told me i had no good reason to cry. they then kept talking about random unrelated stuff they dont like about me (how i have long hair, how i prefer my online friends to my school friends (who according to them arent "real friends", cos those ones are only irl and if they can help you or something like that), how i should be prohibited to talk with them or use my pc past midnight (im 18??), how i wasnt able to study abroad for long enough for mental reasons, etc). the only person who came to like atleast tell me it's all going to be fine was my brother who comforted and hugged me for a few minutes while i was still shaking and blowing my nose.
i dont really know what to do. i dont get why they act so cruel. they are usually nice people. they hug me, and generally look loving, but they also sometimes just berate me with shit like this and downplay my emotions. i want to leave my house but im also very scared of living alone. i feel like i couldnt survive without them but i also cant survive with them. i want to say im their child so i deserve a bit more love, but im also an adult so they might as well throw me out. i dont really know if you can say they really do love me, cos this seems a pretty bad approach to it. i dont even know if they realize how much im in pain for this or they just want to irrationally/egoistically let anger out on me.
sorry for the too-much-info rant again. i hope i can talk about this to my therapist soon. she do be having covid tho, so no time soon. i dont really expect advice (but keep that coming if you have to), more a bit of venting space if that's possible.
ye, they were yelling a lot about the fact i actually dont help out and dont pick up any slack, so i look like i only ever consume and never give back anything.
I mean, do you help out around the house?
The response I always wanted to say to this would be then why the hell did you make me? But that might not be helpful. Idk doing something might help but at the same time I wonder if this really is what they complaining about. Have they said anything since Saturday?
yes they tried to act all friendly while im honestly pretty scared of them, almost shamed me into doing chores for them, and my father told me he feels awful (physically) for having been so nervous with me, as if it's my fault.
Yeah sounds like they going through shit and then use you like a punching bag. I really don't know if there is much to do on your end. I think some worry goes away when you realize that your parents are really unhealthy. There are better ways to communicate to someone then shouting.
I hope you can get to your therapist soon. Also props for seeking therapy, from the sound of how dismissive your parents are to it makes me think they aren't strong like how you are. Admitting you need help is powerful and so is recognizing your feelings and making sure you don't repeat the cycle of abuse. All this you are going through is abuse if you ask me.