happened this saturday. i usually write stuff like this a bit earlier than this, but i was a bit busy and i wasnt bothered to make a post about it. i woke up very late (2PM) cos i had a dnd game with my online friends that lasted well into the night. apparently when they woke me up and told me to come upstairs to have lunch i told them off, but i dont really have recollection of that. after that they went on a tangent about how i am never grateful, i never help, im never there with them, and so on. after a while of just taking it (while still in bed), i break out, crying in my pillow, i threaten them to call my therapist, which they thought was a stupid idea, they told me i had no good reason to cry. they then kept talking about random unrelated stuff they dont like about me (how i have long hair, how i prefer my online friends to my school friends (who according to them arent "real friends", cos those ones are only irl and if they can help you or something like that), how i should be prohibited to talk with them or use my pc past midnight (im 18??), how i wasnt able to study abroad for long enough for mental reasons, etc). the only person who came to like atleast tell me it's all going to be fine was my brother who comforted and hugged me for a few minutes while i was still shaking and blowing my nose.
i dont really know what to do. i dont get why they act so cruel. they are usually nice people. they hug me, and generally look loving, but they also sometimes just berate me with shit like this and downplay my emotions. i want to leave my house but im also very scared of living alone. i feel like i couldnt survive without them but i also cant survive with them. i want to say im their child so i deserve a bit more love, but im also an adult so they might as well throw me out. i dont really know if you can say they really do love me, cos this seems a pretty bad approach to it. i dont even know if they realize how much im in pain for this or they just want to irrationally/egoistically let anger out on me.
sorry for the too-much-info rant again. i hope i can talk about this to my therapist soon. she do be having covid tho, so no time soon. i dont really expect advice (but keep that coming if you have to), more a bit of venting space if that's possible.
Nothing really to add other than online strangers and irl strangers have been nicer to me and my mom than my entire family unit. Family sucks, honestly if it was up to me I would abolish it. All you need are your comrades to lean on.
ehh i mean, i still want a social safety net so i cant really say fuck you to everyone i dont like. especially since im bad at making irl indepth friendships.
I totally understand. My mom and I have the same issue with our family, they help us out financially so it's difficult to tell them to fuck off. Shit like this is why the government should be responsible for providing a safety net to it's citizens and not the whims of wealthy philanthropists.
yes fuck the family, abolish it and build communism instead. Alexandra Kollontai was woke on this.
My experience with family has and always will be reactionary. It just feels like it's another tool used to keep us atomized and alienated from each other, from communities at large.
you know that saying "it takes a village to raise a child", well it's fucking true and in normal non-capitalist alienated communities kids would have a bunch of parental figures to talk to and rely instead of the two random assholes who fucked each other.
I don't think it's an accident how the american nuclear family has led to more consumer spending because there is less communal use items, every 4 person unit needs to buy their own suite of toasters and cars and dishwashers.
“it takes a village to raise a child”
Love this saying. Honestly my life would be so much better off if I had a tight knight community to fall back on than my family. Like with my family, sure there's help, but you're guilt tripped if you take it. They love to hold it over your head and make you feel like a piece of shit for asking. Like I have no clue what it feels like to get help with no strings attached.
Sorry to hear comrade, I think maybe you're in the ballpark when you say "i dont even know if they realize how much im in pain for this or they just want to irrationally/egoistically let anger out on me." Sometimes we get tunnel vision and want to put our worldview across so badly that we don't properly think about how hurting people affects them in the long run.
I remember I used to get into a lot of arguments with my parents after I dropped out of my first degree and wasn't sure what direction I wanted to take -- they were probably frustrated that their expectations had been shattered. Sometimes it felt like they didn't love me but more an idea of me that they had constructed. But, I realise now that if they didn't actually love me they would have kicked me out a long time ago. Things improved after I started an apprenticeship and they realised that while I wasn't meeting their exact expectations, I was going to do okay anyway.
I hope things improve for you soon and that your parents realise causing you stress doesn't do any good.
eh i mean they have threatened me to kick me out, i think they arent doing it cos im still in school and they cant do it or i would literally die on the streets.
Just want to point out that wayyyy more parents threaten to do that than actually do it. People tend vocalize extreme possibilities when they're upset, even if it's something they wouldn't really do. My point is just, try not to let that be one of the things that makes you anxious all the time.
But also be prepared. If you can, save up some money, have some friends you can stay with. etc. I know it's not that easy, but it is better to have a fallback plan.
I feel that. Literally two nights after my 18th birthday I got into an argument with my parents. The first card they pulled was threatening to kick me out. It really sucks and it hurts to hear really bad, but they never did so I suppose that's good. I hope your situation gets better. Sending good vibes your way. :heart-sickle:
Yeah, my brother and I both got that threat a few times -- hopefully yours doesn't eventuate, and if anything maybe you move out if things get worse -- full power to you in any event :heart-sickle:
Edit - Some people are telling me this is bad advice. I disagree, but I'm not gonna argue.
Some things I think you should do -
Tell them you're sorry you woke up late and told them off. Don't tell them again that you don't even remember doing so. Trust them when they said that you did and just apologize. They may still be mad at this point. Don't take it personally. It can take some time to forgive people.
Tell them you'll wake up early from now on and you'll talk to your online friends about scheduling the game earlier. Ask them if there's anything you can do to make up, if they have any chores right now or later. Then make a habit of doing chores.
Actually wake up earlier. Either try an move the game back an hour or so, cut back on the number of times you play a week, leave the game an hour early, or just function on less sleep. I don't know what will work in your case, but your parents have to see you actually trying and becoming better.
Have lunch/dinner with them. Ask them about their day, what's happening in the news, sports, local neighborhood etc. If they're meeting some friends or want to do some stuff with you later, tomorrow, weekend etc. Spend some time with them, giving them your genuine attention.
because the subreddit got banned
(edit - was this a good dad response?)
Actually no, Fuck all of that advice.
Noone, not even "family" has the right to verbally abuse someone.
They do not owe their family engagement if they are gonna gaslight and be shitty like this. you don't have to "just trust them" when the family say op "told them off" they could very well be vastly exaggerating what was actually said or they misheard mumbled sleep words.
When they start berating small things about your appearance you know you've well and truly entered abuse territory. fuck that.
Source: an abusive family that I'm very glad is out of my life.
this all seems like good advice but I feel like this is kind of enabling/capitulating to their rudeness?? idk my parents were assholes and if I tried to apologize or promise to "do better" they'd probably just scoff and I'd feel absolutely humiliated. Eating or talking casually with my parents is straight nightmare fuel for me, stresses me out just thinking about it. honestly if my parents yelled at me like OP I'd just do the bare minimum to placate them and then make preparations to move somewhere else, which is basically what I did irl. I guess she said her parents are normally nice but nice people don't yell at their kids until they cry imo.
Parent or not anyone will begin to resent you if they material support you at their own cost be that support physical, emotional, economic or spatially (physical living space). If they perceive you to be ungrateful or manipulative of their own emotions it will only get worse quicker. I suggest 1. Emancipating yourself or 2. Come to a reproachmont with your living partners that you can live with. As an adult it is not uncommon to have house rules when living communally. I lived with many, many people over my life and establishing expectations can help everyone. Best wishes to you.
It sucks massively when you're made a emotional punching bag for your parents. I have to take on emotional labor when taking to my parents to make them happy. Being married for almost 40 years means nothing since they barely talk to each other. I pick up the slack by talking with and feeding my mom and hanging with my dad fixing shit.
It's draining but I feel pretty confident they won't ever kick me out because of it. I think they want to talk or something but none of this excuses the way they treated you and your feelings are valid. I hope you get to talk to your therapist soon. Good luck comrade and sorry you have to deal with this.
ye, they were yelling a lot about the fact i actually dont help out and dont pick up any slack, so i look like i only ever consume and never give back anything.
The response I always wanted to say to this would be then why the hell did you make me? But that might not be helpful. Idk doing something might help but at the same time I wonder if this really is what they complaining about. Have they said anything since Saturday?
yes they tried to act all friendly while im honestly pretty scared of them, almost shamed me into doing chores for them, and my father told me he feels awful (physically) for having been so nervous with me, as if it's my fault.
Yeah sounds like they going through shit and then use you like a punching bag. I really don't know if there is much to do on your end. I think some worry goes away when you realize that your parents are really unhealthy. There are better ways to communicate to someone then shouting.
I hope you can get to your therapist soon. Also props for seeking therapy, from the sound of how dismissive your parents are to it makes me think they aren't strong like how you are. Admitting you need help is powerful and so is recognizing your feelings and making sure you don't repeat the cycle of abuse. All this you are going through is abuse if you ask me.
I’m sorry they are putting you through this. Parents are supposed to support their children, not undermine them. This is a reflection of their lack of good character, not yours. Try your best to put faith in yourself to be who you want to be, as you want to be, and do not let them threaten your sense of self-worth. You deserve to pursue happiness as you want to, not as their small-minded attitudes dictate.
Hope this doesn’t come across as preachy, I understand you are primarily trying to vent. Just wanted to say that you are better & stronger than you might feel right now.
Assuming (and this is an assumption, no way for me to know it's true or not) they're not otherwise abusive, I think @LibsEatPoop2's advice was pretty good for patching things up with them. But also your feelings are valid. I think they probably do love you, but that doesn't mean they're always going to do and say the right thing. It's hard for parents to see their children as fully capable people, and talking to one's parents can feel like talking to a brick wall. I think most people are basically pretty bad at parenting.
Wanting to move out and gain some independence is a good thing, and honestly it would probably improve your relationship with them, but I also get not feeling ready. Assuming they're not actually threatening to kick you out, you don't have to do it right away. You have time to think about the steps you'd need to take to get your own place and work towards those gradually. Poor mental health can make it harder, but it's definitely possible. Maybe you can explain to your parents that talking to your online friends gives you the emotional strength to do that.
that sucks comrade. i have dealt with similar situations, so i have some advice. if your house is big enough to have multiple stories, consider making it so you have to go upstairs/downstairs less often. buying a mini-fridge, bottled waters, anything you might need over the course of the day. hopefully your parents are lazy enough to not bother going up/down the stairs each time they want to yell at you. also, involve your brother in any plans you make regarding your parents. they seem supportive.
emh no i still have to have dinner with them and they were angry about the fact i didnt do that enough.
I've been there. It did get better, first through moving away (higher ed) and then through being able to support myself financially.
A lot of the time there are self-fulfilling prophecies and expectations that are quite mentally asphyxiating. Carve out what you can for yourself, and if you get an opening to work and/or live elsewhere, take it. You're at a stage in life where everything is a learning experience, and with a few exceptions you can't go wrong taking good risks.
