Yesterday morning at 8:30 am local time, beloved fast-food mascot and philanthropist Ronald McDonald was found dead at his villa in Miami, Florida. Preliminary reports suggest he suffered from a heart attack at some time in the early morning. At the time of death he was 34 years old, which in human years corresponds to approximately 80 years of age.

When asked whether eating McDonald's hamburgers could have contributed to his medical condition, his handler was quoted saying: "Oh, it couldn't have, he never touched the stuff."