The only joy in my day at the moment is listening to California Soul by Marlena Shaw or Hit Or Miss by Odetta. Bored of vidya. Bored of chatting to girls. Working out has become a chore. University assignments are a struggle. Life's dull to say the least.
Damn, congrats on powering through the viagra stuff, I imagine that must've been hell.
If it wasn't clear, I'm also a "straight dumb dude bro" haha, hence why I'm not comfortable using makeup.
It's not just scary, it's that I wouldn't date myself, so why would I subject anyone else to it? Finding someone who has an equivalent level of dysfunction would take so long since everyone hides it.
I've been to therapy. My therapist actually made it worse...
Not even! If you do it with confidence and a laugh it's totally fine. Their loss if they don't like getting head. I got myself into this mess, and whilst I'm still in the mess I gotta accept that this is how things are for now. Might as well own it. Going to the pharmacy to get viagra was one of the funniest half hours of my life.
Well, I think that's just a self worth thing - not that you didn't know that already - I'm not really sure how to combat that. I was a total piece of shit for like 17 years of my life, and with my attachment problems (not attaching at all) I suppose I'm a nightmare to date in the end. But I cant get better at attachment if I don't practice it. Shouldn't lock myself out of the game just because they way I am now isn't perfect. I wouldn't date me either - I'm so fuckin annoying sometimes. But some people find it charming. That's who would date you. The person who finds your quirks endearing, or at the very least knows how to handle you at your worst lol.
How'd therapy make it worse? I felt similar about mine - now, post therapy, I second guess everything I do and always wonder which one of my thoughts is real, which thought is a trauma defense, etc etc. It's hell sometimes, but pre therapy I was just worse off in other ways. What happened with yours?
What about you makes you so dysfunctional would you say?
Funniest half hours of your life? How on earth? Tell me more!
You're probably right about self worth and attachment needing practice, but as I said I just feel like I'm being unfair to other people by treating them as some kind of tutors to be discarded on the path to Becoming A Good Person. I was also a massive jerk for a big part of my life.
I was doing exposure therapy at the time, which involved me being delusional about a crush, which the therapist erred on the side of "it's probably just the anxiety speaking" about. The entire thing would have been avoided if I had simply known they were already taken, which I could have found out easily without revealing my crush on them, but that would have required extremely basic social intuitions and skills. Maybe not entirely the therapist's fault, but the whole thing made me realize that I sorely lacked those extremely basic intuitions and skills, which still haunts me, and after that I always second guessed myself even harder, slowly severing the few connections I had. And as I said this wasn't just about dating. Maybe realizing it was necessary but it could have been done in a less damaging way.
Sorry for the incoherent rant, it helps to write it out sometimes.
TLDR I'm a mess and fixing that requires socialization but how the fuck do you socialize when you're a mess
Just the absurdity of it really. Walking up to the counter like a proud moose, asking the man for his finest viagra, him looking shocked that I didn't look ashamed at all, he hands me a form with a bunch of questions made for old people about heart conditions and viagra interactions that just made me laugh even more.
I said that too after I left my last relationship. Thought to myself ok, I won't get into another relationship until therapy has fully fixed me. But that's a classic softboy move, pretending like you're making some great sacrifice for humanity when really it's just an excuse to avoid your problems. Plenty of proper cunts get into relationships. In the grand scheme of things, since we're lefty inclined, we're already gonna make better boyfriends than most guys cos we have the slightest awareness of women's issues. Even the self awareness to say you've been a shithead for ages shows emotional maturity that most people lack. No one's perfect - you end up dating someone who's positives outweigh the negatives. I don't know how old you are, but at my age, it's prime time for testing out relationships. People are aware that these relationships now probably won't last, but you ride em out until it stops being a positive force in your life, and when it ends you realise you learnt a lot about yourself. It's practice for the end game.
You socialize when you're a mess by fucking it up every now and again, and looking back on it and cringing. Being able to cringe at your old self just means you've grown and learnt. Not an easy thing to do by any means, but if you're at rock bottom there's no harm in trying. Probably time to get a new therapist too.