seconding basically everything ideology said

i can't say whether you're trans or not, only you can do that. but i know that i spent years more or less looking for permission to let myself be trans and to let myself transition. once i freed myself of that, and made the decision on my own, i entered the best years of my life. your words are almost identical to the things i said to myself, to the things i've seen other trans people say to themselves, to the point where if you edited the tenses i would just be like "yeah. this is a trans woman reminiscing on how she was before coming out, basically in line with every other one of these."

if you want you can be a woman, or woman adjacent, or something else entirely that still isn't a man. you can just do that