I would like the input of the experienced and wise trans sages of hexbear.
I've been going through a years long process of gender experimentation that has intensified lately. I feel like something just hasn't clicked for me yet.
There are times when I'm perfectly happy to be a non-gender conforming man, and there are other times when I feel the call of the woman very strongly. There are times when I really like having a beard and getting bigger as I increase my muscle mass. I want to clarify that I like these things. It's not just default to me. But there are other times where these same features (mostly the facial hair) fucking kill me. Then there are other in-between times where I don't feel feminine but I wish I did, and I just get sad that I don't feel that way.
I've been going by she/her at home lately, and sometimes it feels good, and other times it doesn't. Most of the time, it just feels fake (I know this is normal).
Sometimes I really want to try HRT, and other times I'm scared of the permanent changes. While the idea of having a vagina seems cool, I actually don't want to get rid of my penis.
I could be experiencing some kind of bigender or gender fluid thing, but honestly, the emotional whiplash is just exhausting. I'm trying my best to just enjoy who I am at the time, regardless of whether it's masculine or feminine, but this makes me feel like I'm using femininity and womanhood like a costume instead an actual gender identity (okay, now that I'm typing this out, I'm seeing similarities to a lot of other trans people).
Am I having a unique experience, or is this just regular dysphoria stuff? Tbh, I feel kind of fraudulent hanging out here sometimes.
This sounds a bit like gender fluidity. Generally the rule of thumb is to transition to fix your lows for gender fluid people. If you feel suicidal over something, it's better to fix that than to feel good about something later, if that makes sense. Suicide is very permanent
But it's really important to measure how you feel when going about hrt for gender fluid and nonbinary people. I would suggest keeping a journal of your thoughts, what you were doing that day, and see if anything triggers the desire to feel one way or the other. Keep doing this, then if you think you've found a pattern,try something new, and then measure that.
Id like to point out that I'm very binary, but this is advice a genderfluid person I know gave to someone else. In general it seems hellish to me, you never really get rid of dysphoria completely if you are gender fluid.
For me as a trans woman, I never really felt good about my masculine characteristics. Muscularity id argue isn't necessarily one, but beards and so on are. Id even argue feeling fine about your penis is common enough for trans women. I could understand when I looked good to other people, but never felt that way myself, it felt like something was just off about it. It felt like my eyes never had any light in them, I couldn't figure out how to smile naturally, I felt like my skull was weird, my skin felt wrong (like it didn't have enough fat under it or something,or the texture was wrong). I felt kinda perpetually disgusted about all the tiny things T does to you
In general it seems hellish to me, you never really get rid of dysphoria completely if you are gender fluid.
Not going to lie, I just kept reading this sentence over and over, and I had to get up and walk around because I felt like I was gonna barf. Because yeah, it kind of feels like that. Anyway, that sudden spike in dysphoria is actually instructive for me. I'll follow the signal and reflect on why I feel that way.
It felt like my eyes never had any light in them, I couldn't figure out how to smile naturally, I felt like my skull was weird, my skin felt wrong (like it didn't have enough fat under it or something,or the texture was wrong). I felt kinda perpetually disgusted about all the tiny things T does to you
I notoriously don't smile. Like, that's a thing about me that people comment on. My wife, unprompted, has said that I just look happier when I'm presenting femme. I smile in the mirror more when I'm femme. Also, random people and friends compliment me when I'm dressed femme. When dressed femme, I get more compliments in a week than I probably ever have in a lifetime of dressing masc. I also just generally feel a wider range of emotions when femme.
I'm also grossed out by a lot of T stuff. My skin, in particular feels wrong. Body hair, etc.
But it's really important to measure how you feel when going about hrt for gender fluid and nonbinary people. I would suggest keeping a journal of your thoughts, what you were doing that day, and see if anything triggers the desire to feel one way or the other. Keep doing this, then if you think you've found a pattern,try something new, and then measure that.
So, I think it's good advice to keep a journal, but I don't see the connection to HRT. Could you explain?
So for some genderfluid people, they can have triggers that cause them to "swap" gender identity. If you measure these things you can find ways to avoid "swapping".
Again, just spit balling here, but measuring your mood, what you did, what seemed to trigger dysphoria, you might figure out if you're that flavor of gender fluid. Your experience is definitely out of the norm for a trans woman, but it could be you have hangups that are cultural too that are confusing it. (Re: muscularity, women with penises) It's possible you could be a lot of things
I think the important thing is to try to measure stuff so you have a more concrete list of things going on. For example I helped a xenogender person irl that seemed to have swaps based on sunlight, turns out the swap was based on vitamin d and taking that helped them stay more towards one identity
Hmm. While I am fully committed to wanting to medically transition now, it actually took me a while to reach that conclusion because I had a period of a few months literally right before my initial "oh shit" gender questioning moment when I had finally begun to feel like maybe I would be happy being a girl. (Needless to say... I did not stay a girl.)
dysphoria talk
I'm not a binary trans person, but I also am pretty set in my non-binary experience of gender, and it very distinctly isn't in any way related to my agab (I get a lot of dysphoria when gendered as a girl/woman.)
However, for a while when I was first questioning, I thought that I didn't experience a lot of physical dysphoria, just social dysphoria. As a result, I thought that maybe I didn't want to medically transition because I, too, was scare of permanent changes. So during this questioning phase, there were times when I quite liked my more "feminine" body, and times when I wished I had different fat distribution. There were times when I liked my boobs and times when I hated how much they gendered me. But the more I got misgendered, the more uncomfortable I got, and I began to solidify both my experience of physical dysphoria and how I wanted to transition. I know some nonbinary people are okay with getting read as their agab, but I really wasn't.
All in all, it took my about two years to fully decide that I wanted to medically transition, which is where I'm at now. There are still some things that I don't really want to change, though. I very much do not want a penis, so I never pack and I have no intention of getting phalloplasty. Top surgery is still somewhat of a toss-up that I've been waffling on for a while, but I think I'm starting to come down on the side of "yeah get these off" (frankly I wish for velcro boobs, but I think that it's easier for me to just fake having boobs when I want them rather than to bind when I don't.) I also do not really want to pass as a cis manly man, I just really want to stop getting gendered as a woman (which all strangers do to me. I do not pass at all.) Really, what I want is to be confusing.
Idk if any of this helps but I thought I would just word vomit a little. It would be really nice if we could just shapeshift at will, lol.
It does. A lot. So many of your thoughts parallel my own perfectly, so it's nice to see it expressed.
I really wish we could just shapeshift.
One major issue for me is I really can't imagine myself as an old woman. I want to be a bearded old dude, so I don't want to get rid of my beard or detransition and have testosterone issues in my old age. Maybe it's just deep brainworms acting up considering how women are treated like garbage the more they age while men are treated like a fine wine idk. Maybe if I take your route, I'll figure out what I actually want. Maybe it wouldn't actually bother me.
But RIGHT NOW, the push to feminize is quite strong. I've still got like 3 decades before I'd consider myself an old man. Do I just take half measures and repress during that time? I don't know.
I would like the input of the experienced and wise trans sages of hexbear.
I've been going through a years long process of gender experimentation that has intensified lately. I feel like something just hasn't clicked for me yet.
There are times when I'm perfectly happy to be a non-gender conforming man, and there are other times when I feel the call of the woman very strongly. There are times when I really like having a beard and getting bigger as I increase my muscle mass. I want to clarify that I like these things. It's not just default to me. But there are other times where these same features (mostly the facial hair) fucking kill me. Then there are other in-between times where I don't feel feminine but I wish I did, and I just get sad that I don't feel that way.
I've been going by she/her at home lately, and sometimes it feels good, and other times it doesn't. Most of the time, it just feels fake (I know this is normal).
Sometimes I really want to try HRT, and other times I'm scared of the permanent changes. While the idea of having a vagina seems cool, I actually don't want to get rid of my penis.
I could be experiencing some kind of bigender or gender fluid thing, but honestly, the emotional whiplash is just exhausting. I'm trying my best to just enjoy who I am at the time, regardless of whether it's masculine or feminine, but this makes me feel like I'm using femininity and womanhood like a costume instead an actual gender identity (okay, now that I'm typing this out, I'm seeing similarities to a lot of other trans people).
Am I having a unique experience, or is this just regular dysphoria stuff? Tbh, I feel kind of fraudulent hanging out here sometimes.
Also being scared of the unknown, permanent changes is very common.
Cw discussion of dysphoria
spoiler
This sounds a bit like gender fluidity. Generally the rule of thumb is to transition to fix your lows for gender fluid people. If you feel suicidal over something, it's better to fix that than to feel good about something later, if that makes sense. Suicide is very permanent
But it's really important to measure how you feel when going about hrt for gender fluid and nonbinary people. I would suggest keeping a journal of your thoughts, what you were doing that day, and see if anything triggers the desire to feel one way or the other. Keep doing this, then if you think you've found a pattern,try something new, and then measure that.
Id like to point out that I'm very binary, but this is advice a genderfluid person I know gave to someone else. In general it seems hellish to me, you never really get rid of dysphoria completely if you are gender fluid.
For me as a trans woman, I never really felt good about my masculine characteristics. Muscularity id argue isn't necessarily one, but beards and so on are. Id even argue feeling fine about your penis is common enough for trans women. I could understand when I looked good to other people, but never felt that way myself, it felt like something was just off about it. It felt like my eyes never had any light in them, I couldn't figure out how to smile naturally, I felt like my skull was weird, my skin felt wrong (like it didn't have enough fat under it or something,or the texture was wrong). I felt kinda perpetually disgusted about all the tiny things T does to you
Thank you for your insight, as always
dysphoria
Not going to lie, I just kept reading this sentence over and over, and I had to get up and walk around because I felt like I was gonna barf. Because yeah, it kind of feels like that. Anyway, that sudden spike in dysphoria is actually instructive for me. I'll follow the signal and reflect on why I feel that way.
I notoriously don't smile. Like, that's a thing about me that people comment on. My wife, unprompted, has said that I just look happier when I'm presenting femme. I smile in the mirror more when I'm femme. Also, random people and friends compliment me when I'm dressed femme. When dressed femme, I get more compliments in a week than I probably ever have in a lifetime of dressing masc. I also just generally feel a wider range of emotions when femme.
I'm also grossed out by a lot of T stuff. My skin, in particular feels wrong. Body hair, etc.
So, I think it's good advice to keep a journal, but I don't see the connection to HRT. Could you explain?
So for some genderfluid people, they can have triggers that cause them to "swap" gender identity. If you measure these things you can find ways to avoid "swapping".
Again, just spit balling here, but measuring your mood, what you did, what seemed to trigger dysphoria, you might figure out if you're that flavor of gender fluid. Your experience is definitely out of the norm for a trans woman, but it could be you have hangups that are cultural too that are confusing it. (Re: muscularity, women with penises) It's possible you could be a lot of things
I think the important thing is to try to measure stuff so you have a more concrete list of things going on. For example I helped a xenogender person irl that seemed to have swaps based on sunlight, turns out the swap was based on vitamin d and taking that helped them stay more towards one identity
That's fucking wild
I don't want to avoid swapping all together because I like the expression, but having more control would be helpful.
Thank you so much
Hmm. While I am fully committed to wanting to medically transition now, it actually took me a while to reach that conclusion because I had a period of a few months literally right before my initial "oh shit" gender questioning moment when I had finally begun to feel like maybe I would be happy being a girl. (Needless to say... I did not stay a girl.)
dysphoria talk
I'm not a binary trans person, but I also am pretty set in my non-binary experience of gender, and it very distinctly isn't in any way related to my agab (I get a lot of dysphoria when gendered as a girl/woman.)
However, for a while when I was first questioning, I thought that I didn't experience a lot of physical dysphoria, just social dysphoria. As a result, I thought that maybe I didn't want to medically transition because I, too, was scare of permanent changes. So during this questioning phase, there were times when I quite liked my more "feminine" body, and times when I wished I had different fat distribution. There were times when I liked my boobs and times when I hated how much they gendered me. But the more I got misgendered, the more uncomfortable I got, and I began to solidify both my experience of physical dysphoria and how I wanted to transition. I know some nonbinary people are okay with getting read as their agab, but I really wasn't.
All in all, it took my about two years to fully decide that I wanted to medically transition, which is where I'm at now. There are still some things that I don't really want to change, though. I very much do not want a penis, so I never pack and I have no intention of getting phalloplasty. Top surgery is still somewhat of a toss-up that I've been waffling on for a while, but I think I'm starting to come down on the side of "yeah get these off" (frankly I wish for velcro boobs, but I think that it's easier for me to just fake having boobs when I want them rather than to bind when I don't.) I also do not really want to pass as a cis manly man, I just really want to stop getting gendered as a woman (which all strangers do to me. I do not pass at all.) Really, what I want is to be confusing.
Idk if any of this helps but I thought I would just word vomit a little. It would be really nice if we could just shapeshift at will, lol.
It does. A lot. So many of your thoughts parallel my own perfectly, so it's nice to see it expressed.
I really wish we could just shapeshift.
One major issue for me is I really can't imagine myself as an old woman. I want to be a bearded old dude, so I don't want to get rid of my beard or detransition and have testosterone issues in my old age. Maybe it's just deep brainworms acting up considering how women are treated like garbage the more they age while men are treated like a fine wine idk. Maybe if I take your route, I'll figure out what I actually want. Maybe it wouldn't actually bother me.
But RIGHT NOW, the push to feminize is quite strong. I've still got like 3 decades before I'd consider myself an old man. Do I just take half measures and repress during that time? I don't know.