Altogether I feel just like a delusional cis man, and while the book is extremely good for giving a framework of describing trans issues so far, it feels sort of heart wrenching. It’s like not a single person in existence is able to relate to my experience or even provide a framework for how it makes sense.
Personally, I relate at least somewhat to a lot of binary trans woman tropes (not that I always knew my gender - I still don't know that, but I've known I've been jealous of women for their bottom parts for a decade before having any clue I might not be cis and would have no hesitation to magically swap those parts). But I still feel like a fake for not caring about the social stuff and I'm not sure what I want (maybe the latter is just because of depersonalization? Either way, it sometimes feels like I'm just doing it because so many trans women seem excited by it). Like, using my birthname as my preferred name during my appointment to start HRT made me feel uncomfortable and judged, but I don't have any intentions on changing it unless it just starts being too awkward (99.99% of people with my name are men). I don't really care about pronouns that much, some gendered terms don't bother me (although some do).
While I don’t necessarily think I could tolerate growing old as a man, I could live in my current body for a pretty long period.
Maybe I would be fine forever? Idk. Been fine the last couple years. Mostly just wanted to save up more money in case HRT got in the way of my ability to make money (which I'd figured would take about 5-10 years). The reason I decided to suddenly make the change was because I thought my savings goals were possibly being delayed by many years and because my sister announced she was pregnant and I found out I didn't like the idea of being an "uncle" (even though I'm perfectly fine with being my siblings' brother). But it wasn't like I suddenly felt like I needed to do it, but seemed like a good time. I still wonder if I should be taking HRT at all each time I take it and wonder why I'm taking it without any real answer. Yet I still haven't missed a dose (not a trivial feat for me).
Now I have to deal with figuring out how to tell my family (including my slightly transphobic mom) that I decided to try out HRT for what basically feels like a whim and that I don't really get the whole gender thing, but I do have some arbitrary terms I would like them to not use. Ultimately, what does it matter what my gender is or what my AGAB is.
TLDR: imposter syndrome might be one of the most common trans experiences and we can have very different reasons for feeling it. All those arbitrary rules/expectations just keep us down for no good reason.
Hey yo I also didn't "Know my sex was wrong". What I knew (speaking when i was a child) was that
I was a boy because I had a penis, therefore I could never be a girl and I lost the coin flip
I wished I could have been a girl but that was just a fantasy so I had to get over it
Since i have to be a boy I was gonna be hetero-cisnormative because I didn't want to stand out
The want to be a woman was always a desire for me. Pretty strong desire, but ultimately that. I would daydream about waking up suddenly and being transformed into a girl, or having shape-shifting powers that would let me turn into a girl. I was so jealous of shapeshifters in media.
Certainly I know some people who could be described as the stereotypical trans woman. And I 100% totally understand how you feel invalid bexuase you don't conform to those stereotypes. It's pretty Painful comparing yourself to others who you perceive as more femme or as more valid than you. I get misgendered a lot and I think it's because I don't fall into these stereotypes. I don't really wanna get bottom surgery (that being said I do want a vagina but I don't really hate my dick either so it's like w/e not worth the surgery).
Frankly, if you feel like this is hurting you, reading this book. Just stop. It's not for people like us. I could say that I'm a bit more "in the middle" than a lot of trans women. I'm bi, I'm not like super super femme. I like my muscles and am keeping them. I like topping. But like that's also OK.
I'm very happy to hear you out and keep talking about this btw
Wait wait. I had those same things as a kid. I had no idea transition is possible. I was quite cisnormative as a kid too. I thought it was disgusting that amab people would present in any way that wasn't cisnormative. It took me a very long time to get to where I was. My mindset was "Oh, I would have liked to been born a woman but I wasnt so I can't do that and I don't want to". I never cross dressed, and if you asked me to as a kid or even a young adult I wouldn't have ever done it. For a long time trans people didn't make me jealous. They made me embarrassed. Like "Oh my god you're really doing that? How are you doing that don't you know that's wrong?" Kind of thoughts. Ironically I also did respect pronouns all the time but it was scary for me. Even 2 years ago I don't think you could havw gotten me into a dress if you tried.
It wasn't until I recognized in myself that I've always wanted to be a woman in my thoughts and that if I could, I would choose to do a perfect gender transition where I didn't have to deal with any societal issues. Then I worked backwards and realized that I could try all this stuff... and I did. And I loved it. And it was better than I ever could have imagined. But yes, the road was very very confusing for me too.
Yeah and honestly I'm trans and queer as fuck so yeah lol (I do feel invalid a lot because of these experiences as a kid and often have thoughts about whether I'm tricking myself into being trans)
Idk how old you are but like I think you need to be a bit gentle with yourself because at past for me, gender was an "immutable trait" when I was a kid and the idea of being trans was completely absent from my childhood. If you're over 25 likely it was the same for you. You were raised in a society .
That being said, I definitely feel invalid because I never played with barbies, I was never really super close friends with women, I'm not really all that femme.... but like I'm pretty sure I'm trans? I don't think I'm faking it? But sometimes it feels like it.
I guess, I also just wanna say that like every trans person deals with this feeling. I do.
But the real issue is that calling what I experience an “inclination” seems right at first, but it really feels more like a desire? I do not experience constant feelings of body incongruity, nor do I constantly feel “phantom limbs” or pain at missing or having body parts. It’s more so that being a feminine, to the point of “passing” as a woman in cis society, and the secondary sexual characteristics (especially such as wider hips or a more androgynous face) associated with that, seem extremely desirable to me.
It’s less that I feel I’m missing those things, and more that I want them. I have an inclination towards them, but I do not actually know my own “subconscious sex”- I’m simply inclined towards them because they seem significantly cooler than my current body, presentation, and identity. That seems… somewhat toxic, but I don’t know if I can properly convey that it is a stronger desire than that implies. The idea of being a femboy that “passes” as a woman, or just a straight up woman, is appealing to me in a way that I have always felt conflicted about, because it always felt fundamentally stronger than many “grass is greener” sort of desires and similar to what people describe as gender envy, but I also significantly lack those important telltale signs, or even the presence at all, of a “incongruity of sex”. While I don’t necessarily think I could tolerate growing old as a man, I could live in my current body for a pretty long period.
I don’t think I have any serious qualms or complaints about it- It’s just fundamentally mediocre to me, minus the parts that are aligned with my “gender desire”, which I like, but it doesn’t really feel like I like enough for it to be indicative of my identity being valid. I also have never had these gender thoughts until the concepts of cross dressing and being a femboy were introduced to me. I never had the thoughts of “knowing my sex was wrong” that the author or numerous other trans people describe- Only ever a feeling of “gender desire” that began once it dawned on me that changing my presentation was possible.
Altogether I feel just like a delusional cis man,
So... This is so dead on for me. So much so that I feel like I could have written it myself, but could I ask... Is any of this really a bad thing?
You and I are having a unique gender experience, and we're feeling desire to break out of a rigidly gendered society. What if we're "just" crossdressers? Okay, that still makes us gender outlaws. What if we're trans women who are experiencing that journey in a different way? What if we're somewhere in between on the gender spectrum?
I think the fact that we WANT to present ourselves as something but constantly need to validate it is proof enough that we're having a valid experience.
It’s like not a single person in existence is able to relate to my experience or even provide a framework for how it makes sense.
I feel it. I'm sorry, I don't have the framework for you either because I'm still figuring it out myself. But fuck anyone who says your experience isn't unique and beautiful just because it's not lining up with what other people have written about. You're not delusional.
We want what we want. We don't need to justify it. Let's get there together.
Sorry this is not a sufficiently long enough response but the fact you relate so much is big to me
Hah, I got so impassioned because I'm used to giving myself negative self talk that looks exactly like yours, and I feel like it's normal to talk to myself that way. But when I see someone else saying it about themselves, I guess it triggers a "DO NOT SAY THAT ABOUT MY FRIEND" response.
Honestly all this makes me wish I could say I want to go on HRT so I look like Reggie the Rat and not make people look at me like I grew a third arm
Go be rat gendered. Then you can write a book called Whipping Rat, and it will help all the future Reggie-Eggs (Reggs).
I do want to say I often have the thought that I want to also be called a girl, and actually BE a girl
You can experiment with that any time you'd like. Changing your pronouns on this site is an easy, low impact way to see how you feel about it. As a long time "any" pronoun user, I can tell you that you'll be surprised every time you post and see "she/her". People here will also be happy to treat you the way you want to be treated.
It's very nice to see others with much the same thoughts. It makes days/weeks like these, where the "I'm not trans" (etc.) thoughts are out, much.. better.
i wish i could give a more comprehensive response to this rn but i've been on HRT for 20 (holy shit) months and i tried to read whipping girl while questioning and i felt a lot of the same things that you're describing
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Personally, I relate at least somewhat to a lot of binary trans woman tropes (not that I always knew my gender - I still don't know that, but I've known I've been jealous of women for their bottom parts for a decade before having any clue I might not be cis and would have no hesitation to magically swap those parts). But I still feel like a fake for not caring about the social stuff and I'm not sure what I want (maybe the latter is just because of depersonalization? Either way, it sometimes feels like I'm just doing it because so many trans women seem excited by it). Like, using my birthname as my preferred name during my appointment to start HRT made me feel uncomfortable and judged, but I don't have any intentions on changing it unless it just starts being too awkward (99.99% of people with my name are men). I don't really care about pronouns that much, some gendered terms don't bother me (although some do).
Maybe I would be fine forever? Idk. Been fine the last couple years. Mostly just wanted to save up more money in case HRT got in the way of my ability to make money (which I'd figured would take about 5-10 years). The reason I decided to suddenly make the change was because I thought my savings goals were possibly being delayed by many years and because my sister announced she was pregnant and I found out I didn't like the idea of being an "uncle" (even though I'm perfectly fine with being my siblings' brother). But it wasn't like I suddenly felt like I needed to do it, but seemed like a good time. I still wonder if I should be taking HRT at all each time I take it and wonder why I'm taking it without any real answer. Yet I still haven't missed a dose (not a trivial feat for me).
Now I have to deal with figuring out how to tell my family (including my slightly transphobic mom) that I decided to try out HRT for what basically feels like a whim and that I don't really get the whole gender thing, but I do have some arbitrary terms I would like them to not use. Ultimately, what does it matter what my gender is or what my AGAB is.
TLDR: imposter syndrome might be one of the most common trans experiences and we can have very different reasons for feeling it. All those arbitrary rules/expectations just keep us down for no good reason.
Another very familiar experience to me. My focus has always been more physical than social.
But... I've been having some fun with the social stuff, too, lately.
I hope you post here more in the future. I'd like to hear about how HRT works for you.
Hey yo I also didn't "Know my sex was wrong". What I knew (speaking when i was a child) was that
I was a boy because I had a penis, therefore I could never be a girl and I lost the coin flip
I wished I could have been a girl but that was just a fantasy so I had to get over it
Since i have to be a boy I was gonna be hetero-cisnormative because I didn't want to stand out
The want to be a woman was always a desire for me. Pretty strong desire, but ultimately that. I would daydream about waking up suddenly and being transformed into a girl, or having shape-shifting powers that would let me turn into a girl. I was so jealous of shapeshifters in media.
Certainly I know some people who could be described as the stereotypical trans woman. And I 100% totally understand how you feel invalid bexuase you don't conform to those stereotypes. It's pretty Painful comparing yourself to others who you perceive as more femme or as more valid than you. I get misgendered a lot and I think it's because I don't fall into these stereotypes. I don't really wanna get bottom surgery (that being said I do want a vagina but I don't really hate my dick either so it's like w/e not worth the surgery).
Frankly, if you feel like this is hurting you, reading this book. Just stop. It's not for people like us. I could say that I'm a bit more "in the middle" than a lot of trans women. I'm bi, I'm not like super super femme. I like my muscles and am keeping them. I like topping. But like that's also OK.
I'm very happy to hear you out and keep talking about this btw
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Wait wait. I had those same things as a kid. I had no idea transition is possible. I was quite cisnormative as a kid too. I thought it was disgusting that amab people would present in any way that wasn't cisnormative. It took me a very long time to get to where I was. My mindset was "Oh, I would have liked to been born a woman but I wasnt so I can't do that and I don't want to". I never cross dressed, and if you asked me to as a kid or even a young adult I wouldn't have ever done it. For a long time trans people didn't make me jealous. They made me embarrassed. Like "Oh my god you're really doing that? How are you doing that don't you know that's wrong?" Kind of thoughts. Ironically I also did respect pronouns all the time but it was scary for me. Even 2 years ago I don't think you could havw gotten me into a dress if you tried.
It wasn't until I recognized in myself that I've always wanted to be a woman in my thoughts and that if I could, I would choose to do a perfect gender transition where I didn't have to deal with any societal issues. Then I worked backwards and realized that I could try all this stuff... and I did. And I loved it. And it was better than I ever could have imagined. But yes, the road was very very confusing for me too.
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Yeah and honestly I'm trans and queer as fuck so yeah lol (I do feel invalid a lot because of these experiences as a kid and often have thoughts about whether I'm tricking myself into being trans)
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Idk how old you are but like I think you need to be a bit gentle with yourself because at past for me, gender was an "immutable trait" when I was a kid and the idea of being trans was completely absent from my childhood. If you're over 25 likely it was the same for you. You were raised in a society
.
That being said, I definitely feel invalid because I never played with barbies, I was never really super close friends with women, I'm not really all that femme.... but like I'm pretty sure I'm trans? I don't think I'm faking it? But sometimes it feels like it.
I guess, I also just wanna say that like every trans person deals with this feeling. I do.
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spoiler
So... This is so dead on for me. So much so that I feel like I could have written it myself, but could I ask... Is any of this really a bad thing?
You and I are having a unique gender experience, and we're feeling desire to break out of a rigidly gendered society. What if we're "just" crossdressers? Okay, that still makes us gender outlaws. What if we're trans women who are experiencing that journey in a different way? What if we're somewhere in between on the gender spectrum?
I think the fact that we WANT to present ourselves as something but constantly need to validate it is proof enough that we're having a valid experience.
I feel it. I'm sorry, I don't have the framework for you either because I'm still figuring it out myself. But fuck anyone who says your experience isn't unique and beautiful just because it's not lining up with what other people have written about. You're not delusional.
We want what we want. We don't need to justify it. Let's get there together.
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Hah, I got so impassioned because I'm used to giving myself negative self talk that looks exactly like yours, and I feel like it's normal to talk to myself that way. But when I see someone else saying it about themselves, I guess it triggers a "DO NOT SAY THAT ABOUT MY FRIEND" response.
Go be rat gendered. Then you can write a book called Whipping Rat, and it will help all the future Reggie-Eggs (Reggs).
it's not
You can experiment with that any time you'd like. Changing your pronouns on this site is an easy, low impact way to see how you feel about it. As a long time "any" pronoun user, I can tell you that you'll be surprised every time you post and see "she/her". People here will also be happy to treat you the way you want to be treated.
It's very nice to see others with much the same thoughts. It makes days/weeks like these, where the "I'm not trans" (etc.) thoughts are out, much.. better.
i wish i could give a more comprehensive response to this rn but i've been on HRT for 20 (holy shit) months and i tried to read whipping girl while questioning and i felt a lot of the same things that you're describing