you never had a crush on her. that emotion was the most wildly unchecked gender envy you could have possibly felt, and you were far, far too emotionally stunted to understand that. you tried dating her instead because it was the closest thing to being her that you could get and she just wasn't interested in you, and frankly, you weren't terribly interested in dating her either. you desperately wanted to be her and never had the words to understand that