WE BEAT THE NEWS MEGA
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dysphoria, boy mode, depression
Daily body aches and pains are especially bad today and have been pretty horrible all week.
Financial stress hit me hard this morning. Boy mode/manager part is trying to do it's thing.
Two days until clinic appointment. Feeling anxious. Hopeful.
And overwhelmed generally.
Hiding in bed because I'm afraid I'll be cranky with my very sweet girlfriend. Eating edibles and melatonin and prescription adrenaline blockers I take for nightmares.
Listening to the trainspotting playlist on InnerTune.
Neck is tight as fuck. Self harming thoughts not too bad. No SI. Occasional urges towards self harm but they seem pretty controlled by the medication.
Right now giving myself permission to just ride out these last few days in a depressive little bubble. I did some chores this morning and tried to take care of things. I feel good about that.
Napped after, slept bad and woke up in more pain than when I went to sleep. It is starting to feel like a pattern and I feel really sad and not very much hope for my body to ever stop hurting me all the time.
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I think I put boy mode to bed. Neck is still tight. But I'm breathing again.
trauma, anger that's not 'boy mode'
Abusive father lied in court to get custody of me as a child. Spent my entire adult life living in that shadow.
I've found myself.
Women can be mad too and fuck that asshole for stealing my childhood. Fuck the patriarchy. And fuck my dad's last name. I'm dropping it like a bad habit. And sooner rather than later.
That's good. I have always hated that feeling.
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I've never dealt with anything like that, but I'm sorry
you deserve(d) better.
Absolutely, and I hope you are able to change the name out soon.
Thanks :)
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