Weirdly, despite the fact I stopped having rejection-sensitivity-fueled breakdowns about A Novels, I find Paul is still giving me psychic damage, maybe more now than before. Not in an obvious way, but to where it fucks with my mental state and makes me wobbly and weird and anxious and worried.

Literally I think what's happening is that, to an extent, some certain depictions of sex acts between men will fucking freak me out. My ex and I were both ostensibly sad little gay boys when we met, so uh there was a lot of that, and a lot of that did not stop when transition started, which is where the trauma mixes in. The only memories I have of "male sexuality" (as in ostensibly being a guy during sex) and the associated terms and acts are horrible and traumatising. I guess it's to the point where when similar things show up in a weirdbook, psychic damage.

This makes sense since I have not really read gay-dude sex before, this is kind of the first time, Paul is a lovely complicated little weird thing. But it's kind of fucking lame and I don't really love the idea that certain kinds of sex just EXISTING will trigger my fucking trauma, that really distresses me. I guess that's reality though? So here's to not reading about dudes having sex I guess...

I hate this, this is terrible, I've been feeling really good about all the sex stuff recently, but I guess it makes sense I would stumble into "damage" at some point. Blegh...