I'm back in the city I left my ex in, just visiting other friends. It's been weirdly hard, it's been over a year but every once in a while I go back to a place or drive by somewhere we used to go or I used to hang out. I had a dream last night that we met up and hit it off for a few hours - the passing train interrupted me lol - it was nice in the dream but awake I dunno if I'd really want that. I guess it was nice to remember that feeling of very deep connection, like you've become one person and share a mind, that you had someone you could always count on and who always had your back (wasn't true for me but it felt like it). I'm not even sure if they're still here or nor but I feel haunted.

When I think back on what it was really like, it wasn't nice or wholesome which is why I broke it off after months of hemming and hawing and them being unwilling to change anything even when they knew our relationship was at stake. I read someone's own journey a few months ago with a very similar story to mine and it was like being slapped in the face again - the dirty cat litter, the clothes everywhere, the mess, them not working, not looking, not trying to get onto disability, not doing anything for years. I remember the fights over "you need to get some income, I can't support us, I have loans and a scholarship" and how POOR we were because of it. Or when I was in charge of doctor appointments and psych appointments the fights to going to them... it wasn't like having a partner, it was like having a really obstinate kid. Or when we moved cause the house got shot, I was the person looking and the only house they agreed to was the most expensive fucking one!!! It was really hard.

But there's so much tenderness wrapped in that, the further I get from the pain and how hard it was the more those shine through. I remember how badly I treated them when they tried to show affection, ignoring being talked to or being held, I was going through so much shit that I was just not emotionally present and hadn't been for years. So I also get this fun house mirror style view where I was the asshole all the time in my memories on background as I forget what made it so hard and why I broke it off.