I've been increasingly aware lately that I feel like a lot of the substance issues I've had over my life were unconsciously attempts at self medding to mask better

When I was a teen, it was heavy caffeine and nicotine use as uppers to try to force myself to have energy because I was severely depressed

Then it was booze in my late teens/twenties to numb myself and lower my inhibitions enough to have some amount of a social life and cope with feeling grotesque and magnetically repelled by existing in public

Now it's kratom as a pseudo-opiate to mellow out my panicky impulses and general anxiety

I'm in a better place than I used to be and healthier being dry, but I really think part of my neurodivergence is having Addict Brain even when I'm clean, and part of me needs some external chemical help to function at a basic level and I don't really know what to do about that or how to contextualize that

Like, conceptually I'd like to be Normal and straight edge if I could, but at the same time it's like, "well if you can't make the hormones you need to work right internally, store bought is fine too, right? Why not neuroactive chemicals too?" idk

Fwiw, I'm doing better today and have been better overall with no booze and kratom instead of my old Rx for anxiety meds that didn't interact great with me, it's just still really rough sometimes

I know I probably look closer to Zizek than I'd like to ideally

I mean I am clean shaven and less disheveled looking generally but still

I can never tell why I get quizzical glances from people in public? Is it that I'm anxious and socially awkward looking and they're concerned for me? Is it that I'm malefailing in boymode kinda and my tits are kinda visible under my hoodie and it looks weird on someone of my height/build? Is it that I look like a really big butch bitch without any makeup or femme signifiers? Fuck if I know, but I know my brain will screech at itself the entire time trying to figure that out unsuccessfully

My cool(ish) queer relative I went with is sweet and supportive overall but I still get a mix of name/deadname and a random D3 roll on pronouns of he/they/she and it's maddening sometimes

It's like they're just humoring me out of pity or going along with it when they get it right and it's like a kindness they get to graciously bestow upon me sometimes when they bother to remember, and when they don't it's "well I've known you as (deadname) since you were a baby!"

I've been out to you for like half a fucking decade

I'm sure they (cis) and their also queer spouse (cis) wouldn't like if I misgendered them offhandedly randomly either or called them by a masculine version of their names

I'm so sick of feeling like a basic fundamental part of my identity is like a fun little quirk that's fine to fuck up and it's not a big deal to some of the only family that I'm out to and is 'supportive'

(Part of it is that they're boomers, and part of it is that they're libs, but they love being One Of The Good Ones and it can be exhausting not blowing up on them and alienating myself from some of the only IRL support I have)